Sexual Assault in Relationships: Recognizing Abuse & Finding Support
Trigger Warning: This article discusses sexual assault and abuse in relationships, which may be distressing for some readers. Please take care of your well-being as you engage with this content.
April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month
April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, intended to increase awareness and provide education around sexual violence as well as support survivors. Conversations about sexual assault often focus on attacks by strangers, but this does not reflect most survivors' experiences. It is estimated that 80-90% of women know their perpetrator, with more than half of sexual assaults perpetrated by a current or former partner. Sexual abuse within relationships is an issue that often goes unrecognized or unspoken.
In my former role as a therapist in a domestic violence and sexual assault agency, I saw firsthand how common this was, and also the confusion survivors faced when asked about sexual assault within their relationships. Survivors often struggled to understand their experiences, largely because sexual abuse in relationships does not always fit the stereotypical image of sexual violence. It’s rarely a dramatic, overtly violent act. In the context of abusive relationships, sexual violence is a tool of control, coercion, and manipulation. Many survivors experience mixed emotions—grappling with their beliefs about intimacy, cultural and societal expectations, feelings of betrayal or disbelief, and deep internal conflict about being harmed by someone they love.
Forms of Sexual Abuse in Relationships
Sexual abuse within relationships can take many forms. Even if it doesn’t involve physical violence, it can still be coercive, violating, and deeply harmful. Some common ways this abuse appears include:
1. Pressure for Sex
Persistent begging, guilt-tripping, or making a partner feel guilty for saying no.
Using phrases like, "If you loved me, you would..." or "You owe me."
Acting withdrawn, sulking, or becoming angry when a partner refuses sex.
2. Forced Sexual Contact
Non-consensual touching, groping, or other physical contact.
Engaging in sexual acts while a partner is asleep, intoxicated, or otherwise unable to consent.
Ignoring a partner’s attempts to stop or pull away.
3. Emotional Manipulation & Coercion
Using guilt, shame, or fear to get a partner to comply.
Making threats like, "If you don’t, I’ll cheat on you," or "I’ll leave you."
Tying sexual compliance to affection, love, or safety in the relationship.
4. Using Sex as Punishment or Control
Withholding affection or sex as a way to manipulate or punish.
Insisting on unwanted or degrading sexual acts as a form of power and humiliation.
Using sex to assert dominance, especially after an argument or as an act of "making up" under duress.
Understanding Sexual Assault and Consent in Relationships
Sexual assault in a relationship is complicated by love, attachment, and social expectations around what sex "should" look like in a partnership. Many survivors struggle with questions like:
Was it really assault if I didn’t fight back?
I didn’t say no, but I also didn’t say yes—does that count?
Isn’t it normal for couples to have sex even when one person isn’t in the mood?
If I agreed in the past, does that mean I have to say yes every time?
Society often reinforces the idea that sex is an obligation in relationships. When violence has happened in the past or has been threatened, it becomes harder to say no. Unfortunately, many adults were never taught clear consent. While awareness is improving, many still struggle to understand what true enthusiastic consent looks like.
Consent should be:
Freely given – without pressure, manipulation, or guilt.
Enthusiastic – a clear, enthusiastic "yes" rather than the absence of "no."
Ongoing – just because you consented before doesn’t mean it’s automatic every time.
Many survivors of domestic violence have, over time, had their consent disregarded and their feelings dismissed. This can heighten feelings of powerlessness and confusion. Media often portrays sexual assault as only involving physical violence or strangers, making it harder for survivors to recognize their experiences as valid.
The Emotional Impact of Sexual Assault in Relationships
Experiencing sexual abuse within a relationship can have profound psychological and emotional consequences. It is rarely a one-time occurrence and often happens repeatedly throughout the relationship. Survivors may struggle with:
Feeling responsible for what happened or believing they should have fought harder.
Internalizing messages that minimize their pain, such as, “At least they didn’t hit me.”
Struggling to define what happened as assault because it doesn’t fit traditional narratives.
Feeling pressured to stay silent because the perpetrator is a partner or spouse.
Anxiety, depression, and PTSD-like symptoms.
Detachment or dissociation from one’s body.
Difficulty with intimacy and future relationships.
Survivors are often met with dismissive responses from loved ones, law enforcement, or even therapists who fail to recognize sexual abuse in relationships. This lack of validation can deepen feelings of isolation and self-doubt.
Seeking Support: How Therapy Can Help
Navigating the emotional toll of sexual abuse in a relationship is incredibly complex. However, recognizing, talking about, and processing your experience can help with healing. Speaking with a therapist can provide survivors with:
1. A Safe Space to Process Trauma
Therapy allows survivors to discuss their experiences without fear of judgment. A therapist specializing in abusive dynamics can help you feel validated and heard.
2. Clarity on Consent & Boundaries
Survivors often struggle to define what happened to them. Therapy helps in understanding consent and recognizing abusive patterns. Naming what happened for what it truly is can help in healing and self-protection.
3. Tools for Reclaiming Autonomy & Self-Worth
Abuse erodes a survivor’s sense of control and agency. Therapy helps rebuild confidence and trust in yourself, empowering you to set healthy boundaries in future relationships.
Know that:
Your pain is real, and your experience is valid.
You do not have to fit a specific mold to be a survivor.
Support is available, and you deserve healing.
To book a free consultation to process your experience, you can schedule at a time that suits you here.
Resources for Survivors
In addition to therapy, there are many free resources available for education and support. Consider reaching out to:
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) – RAINN.org
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 – thehotline.org
Local crisis, sexual assault, or domestic violence centers