Should I Be In Counseling (Even If I’m Not in Crisis)?

You’re not falling apart. You’re not spiraling. You’re not having panic attacks. You’re not depressed. You’re not riddled with anxiety. You have healthy relationships. Honestly? You’re doing okay. But lately you’ve been wondering: Is this it?

Maybe you’ve done therapy before, maybe years ago, maybe recently. You got something out of it. You learned skills, processed the old pain, felt stronger, and that things were resolved. But now you feel something is still ‘off’ - a little bit stuck, a little bit disconnected.

So… should you go back to therapy?

The short answer: maybe, if you’re feeling the pull. Therapy isn’t just for getting through the worst times—it’s also for clarity, evolving, growing, strengthening, and reconnection with yourself.

Everything’s Fine - You Don’t Have to Be in Crisis to Start Therapy

There’s a huge misconception that therapy is only for the moments when everything is breaking down. You go to the doctor when you’re sick. So, counseling must be the same. You need a problem or some symptoms to take with you, and then hope that they get fixed. But what about Well Woman visits? What about screenings and PAP smears and vaccination boosters? What about your annual physical?

Sometimes the most valuable work can be done in therapy when you are feeling things are stable. Stability and calm allows us to see you for who you truly are, without all the distraction from crisis. That’s when you’re able to really turn inward. To look at the deeper patterns that shape your identity. To ask, Who am I now that I’ve survived? And who do I want to become? You have peace and finally, perhaps, time to reflect and to put your own needs first.

This is the work I love to do with people who are ready to go deeper, seeking a stronger sense of identity and self.

Why You Might Feel “Fine” But Still Not Finished

Feeling that going back to counseling might be good, does not mean something is wrong with you. It’s a sign of growth and self awareness. You know that you have something that needs attention.

You might be asking:

• Why do I still attract the same kinds of relationships?

• Why do I feel disconnected from who I am outside of work, parenthood, or my achievements?

• Why does something still feel unresolved - even when nothing is wrong?

It isn’t backsliding - it’s evolution. And it’s a sign that it may be time to return to therapy and do the deeper work with a new focus, not because you’re broken, but because you are ready.

Growth Creates Opportunity

You might be doing well, managing your responsibilities, maybe even thriving in some areas. But if something feels off - if you’re disconnected from yourself, if you’re tired of patterns you can’t seem to change - trauma therapy might be the missing piece.

Some people come to therapy after a life changing event leaves them with more questions than answers - a failed relationship, a death in the family, a diagnosis, a birth, a move. These shifts give a moment to look inward and notice that something doesn’t feel quite right. Who are you and why are you this way?

This isn’t just about healing the past. It’s about understanding and accepting and then going onto thriving. You want to be authentic and increase your capacity for connection, creativity, and genuine feeling. It’s also about self-exploration and identity work - rediscovering who you are underneath the coping mechanisms.

If that’s something you’re curious about, you can learn more about my approach to identity work here.

Should I Start Fresh with a New Therapist?

You may have outgrown the version of yourself that old therapy supported. The coping skills that helped you survive aren’t the same skills you need to fully live. As we grow and change, so does our needs. What worked then may not work now. That does not mean your previous experience in counseling were not valuable or treasured, but you have grown.

Starting fresh with someone new is a chance to build a new relationship, and to be seen as the person who shows up today, not the person you were then. You get to bring your full self into the therapeutic relationship and build from that. A new therapist can challenge you in different ways, can provide new insights, try new styles of therapy, and help you dive into a type of work that goes beyond what you experienced in the past.

It is so important to find a counselor that is right for you, particularly when you are going back after a break. Explore your options, read some webpages, search on Psychology Today, set up some consultation calls. If you are interested in working with me you can click on the below link and we can find a time to speak. This is your journey!

No Timeline for Healing: How Therapy Supports Survivors of Sexual Assault

Trigger Warning : This article discusses sexual assault and healing, which may be distressing to some readers. Please take care of yourself while reading.

Understanding the Aftermath of Sexual Assault

Sexual assault impacts each survivor differently, but most commonly, your sense of self and safety is shaken. Many people struggle with a deep sense of shock in the immediate aftermath, sometimes even disbelief. In my previous role, I served as an advocate attending SANE exams, helping people in the immediate aftermath of sexual assaults. Some people cried, some people laughed, some people just wanted to talk about the weather. Your body and mind struggle to process what happened, sometimes leaving you feeling numb or disconnected, or powering on through, as if nothing happened, acting like everything is fine. There is no one ‘right’ way to respond, and trust me I have seen it all.

Alongside PTSD, in the clinical world we often talk about Rape Trauma Syndrome (RTS) to help describe the stages survivors may move through after an assault. This is not a universal experience, but I do think it can be helpful in normalizing many peoples’ experience. It includes an initial acute phase - characterized by fear, shock, denial, or panic - and then a longer-term reorganization phase where survivors may struggle with anxiety, depression, flashbacks, and shifts in relationships or self-image.

This model helps normalize that trauma isn’t linear. Some people seek help immediately. Others go years before even naming what happened to them. Your timeline is yours alone.

The Days and Weeks After an Assault

In that early period after an assault, the focus is often just on survival. You may be asking yourself: Am I safe? Do I tell someone? What just happened to me? It can be a time of confusing and mixed emotions, as your body and mind try to categorize your experience and make sense of it.

Many people struggle with things such as:

• Trouble sleeping or eating

• Hypervigilance (being hyper aware of your surroundings) and jumpiness

• A sense of disbelief or numbness

• Avoidance of people, places, or reminders

• Shame, guilt, or self-blame

All of this is a typical response, though it feels far from normal. If you seek therapy at this time, we would be focusing on stabilization and normalization. We don’t need to talk about what happened. You also may or may not have chosen to report to law enforcement. You might want to go over what happened as part of the making sense. Your choice is valid. Early therapy might involve grounding techniques, safety planning, and simply having a place to be believed and heard.

And it’s fine if you’re not ready for therapy in those first days or weeks. You might just want to push on, and see if you can get through this stage alone. Many people do. I think it is important to know that there are emergency resources available - crisis lines, support groups, advocates, and drop-in services can offer care while you gather strength to explore longer-term support. Many of these resources are free. Sometimes just knowing that there are options can be enough.

When It Resurfaces Later: Trauma Isn't Always Immediate

Sometimes, the full impact of trauma doesn’t hit until much later. Some people go months, years, or even decades before memories resurface or the effects are felt. Sometimes something so innocent can cause a flashback and the memories to flood back. This too is normal.

Sexual trauma can lie dormant for many reasons - our body and mind work to protect us. For some, this means that you never fully felt the grief or emotional pain, or because you didn’t have the language, or because you minimized it as “not that bad.” Something triggering - intimacy, therapy, pregnancy, parenting, a news story, or even a sight or smell - can bring old wounds to the surface.

We are also constantly learning, and it’s not uncommon for survivors to look back at experiences from adolescence or early adulthood and realize, years later, that what happened wasn’t consensual. Therapy at this stage becomes a space to explore those realizations safely. Exploring these questions, finding answers, and making sense of your experience can all help with healing.

The Power of Naming Your Experience

One of the most transformative steps in healing is being able to name what happened to you. Understanding it, naming it, and finding a way to acknowledge how it made you feel can be a huge emotional turning point.

Maybe you never called it rape because there was no force. Maybe the perpetrator is someone you love and who claims to love you. Perhaps you don’t remember fully what happened. Or maybe you convinced yourself it wasn’t “that bad.” Therapy can help unpack all of this, examining your beliefs around sexual assault, and how you have interpreted your experience up to this point. We can also challenge what society or people around you or law enforcement or even what you say to yourself about what it is and is not. We will aim to bring clarity and validation.

Naming your experience doesn’t mean drowning in it. You don’t have to sink into it and put yourself back there. But you can, if you think it would be helpful. Sometimes being in a safe place with someone who is holding that door for you can allow you to examine what happened, and for many people this is a useful tool in processing trauma. We can use EMDR, a therapy that targets memory and how it is stored in the body, to help release you from flashbacks, nightmares, or the pain of your experience. We can work on letting go of silence and shame. It means shifting from “something that happened” to “something that affected me.”

You are allowed to call it what it was. And you are allowed to go through a journey of healing at your own pace.

What Therapy Looks Like at Different Stages in Your Healing

This is not a linear process. The things you may need from a counselor in the immediate aftermath of an assault may be very different from what you need twenty plus years later. And what you need in one session may be different from the next. In the early stages, therapy often focuses on:

• Establishing safety and stability

• Coping strategies for intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, or anxiety

• Creating a sense of control and emotional regulation

Later, therapy might look more like:

• Processing specific memories or unresolved emotions

• Exploring how trauma has shaped relationships, identity, or sexuality

• Reconnecting with your body and building self-trust

I can work with you wherever you are on your journey. Some people come to counseling because they feel too much (flashbacks, unwanted memories, impacts on current relationships) and some because they feel too little (numbness, gaps in memory, issues with intimacy). Wherever you are and whatever you are facing, there’s no wrong time to begin.

Common Barriers to Seeking Therapy

Many survivors delay or avoid therapy - not because they don’t want to heal, but because the idea of opening up feels terrifying.

Some common barriers include:

• Fear of not being believed or being dismissed

• Concern that talking about it will make things worse

• Worry about “making a big deal out of nothing”

• Shame about the past or how you responded in the moment

• Limitations on the availability of trauma-informed specialist therapists in your area

A good trauma informed counselor understands that therapy isn’t about reliving the trauma. It’s about building safety around it. It’s about identifying the sticking points in the healing journey and working towards goals in counseling that make sense for you. And you get to decide how much to share, how fast to go, and whether it’s the right time. The pace is yours.

How Therapy Can Help You Rebuild Your Relationship With Yourself

Sexual trauma can create a deep disconnection - from your body, your sense of safety, even your own instincts. Over time, therapy can help rebuild what was fractured.

This might look like:

• Feeling safe in your body again

• Trusting your gut and recognizing red flags

• Releasing self-blame and reclaiming compassion

• Reconnecting to emotions and physical sensations

Therapy doesn’t change what happened, but it can change how you live with it. You begin to feel more whole—not because you forget, but because you’re no longer carrying it alone.

Sex, Intimacy, and Healing in the Aftermath

For many survivors, sex becomes complicated after assault. You might feel disconnected, fearful, anxious, or numb. You might avoid intimacy entirely - or go through the motions, disconnected from your own desire. Some people cope by becoming hypersexual or engaging in compulsive sexual behaviors - perhaps trying to reclaim control or force their body to accept what happened.

Whatever the impact it’s important to remember that trauma disrupts the body’s ability to feel safe, and that can show up in all manner of ways.

Therapy can help you:

• Identify what intimacy means to you now

• Explore boundaries, preferences, and communication

• Reclaim a sense of agency and pleasure in your body

• Explore what, if any, of your sexual trauma you want to disclose to sexual partners

This part of healing is deeply personal. It’s not about “getting back to normal,” but about finding what’s right for you, now. Healing your sexual self is possible—and you get to define what that looks like.

How to Find the Right Therapist After Sexual Assault

I would love to help you. This work is my passion. But I may not be right for you. I can only help survivors in Oklahoma. I only do telehealth. I do not accept insurance. I realize these are barriers for many people.

Healing flows from the relationship you build with your therapist and not every therapist will be a good fit for you. Some people need someone calming, some people need someone who challenges and pushes them. If you are starting a healing journey, I encourage you not to limit yourself to the first person you find. Seek out consultations, specialists, and meet with them to see if they pass the ‘vibe’ check. Not every therapist is the right fit—and that’s okay. Finding someone you feel safe with can take time, but it’s a crucial part of healing.

I suggest you look for a therapist who:

• Identifies as trauma-informed or specializes in trauma

• Understands sexual assault dynamics without judgment

• Prioritizes consent and pacing in every session

• Gives you choice and voice in the therapeutic process

During an initial consultation, it’s okay to ask:

• What’s your experience working with survivors?

• How do you ensure safety and prevent retraumatization?

• Can I move at my own pace?

You deserve a therapist who meets you where you are, not one who rushes or pressures you.

How Do I Know if I Need Therapy?

Whether the assault happened last week or years ago, whether you’re clear about what happened or just starting to question it, you deserve support. Some people want support because they are choosing to report their assault. Some people want support because they are working towards a trial. Some people have just grown tired of living with this pain. If anything still lingers - if it’s affecting your life, your relationships, or your sense of self - then it’s enough.

Therapy doesn’t require a tidy story. You don’t need to have it all figured out. You don’t even need the right words.

You can start with:

• A feeling that something’s wrong

• A memory that won’t leave you alone

• A sense of disconnection from your body or emotions

Therapists trained in trauma understand that stories unfold slowly—and sometimes nonverbally. You are never required to tell more than you’re ready to. Healing is about building connection and safety, not proving your pain.

Healing doesn’t have a deadline. There is no “too late.” It’s about finding a place where you can be fully seen—without pressure, shame, or fear.

When you’re ready, that place exists. If you are interested in exploring working with me on sexual assault, whether recent or far in the past, you can schedule a free consultation. Below I also provide some resources in Oklahoma and beyond.

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month : I have written a series of blogs through the month which may interest you.

Not Quite Assault, But Still Not Okay: Everyday Sexual Violations That Add Up
This blog dives into the subtle, often-overlooked ways women experience boundary violations—unwanted comments, pressure, and manipulation. It’s a call to name what we’re taught to dismiss and to recognize the long-term impact.

Sexual Abuse in Relationships: Why It’s So Hard to Name
Many survivors don’t recognize sexual abuse within a relationship right away. This post explores the confusion, pressure, and power dynamics that make it difficult to identify - and how healing begins with validation.

Oklahoma Resources

• Oklahoma Safeline (24/7 Confidential Hotline):
  1-800-522-SAFE (7233) — Help for sexual assault, domestic violence, and stalking

• DVIS – Domestic Violence Intervention Services (Tulsa):
  www.dvis.org | (918) 743-5763
  Free and confidential services including counseling, shelter, and legal advocacy

• YWCA Oklahoma City Sexual Assault Services (Oklahoma City):
  www.ywcaokc.org | (405) 943-7273
  Offers sexual assault exams, advocacy, therapy, and shelter

• New Directions (Lawton, OK):
  www.marie-detty.org/new-directions | (580) 357-2500
  Provides advocacy, shelter, and counseling for survivors of domestic and sexual violence

National Resources

• National Sexual Assault Hotline (RAINN):
  1-800-656-HOPE (4673) | www.rainn.org
  24/7 free, confidential support from trained counselors

• StrongHearts Native Helpline:
  1-844-762-8483 | www.strongheartshelpline.org
  Culturally-aligned support for Native American and Alaska Native survivors

Why Would I Need a Trauma Therapist? (I don’t have PTSD!)

When people hear the word “trauma,” they usually imagine something big—an accident, abuse, a natural disaster, or some kind of dramatic, life-altering event. I understand that the word ‘trauma’ is too big for some people to relate to, it feels like it should be reserved for people who have suffered ‘real pain’. But what is real pain?

The pain of being bullied? The pain of feeling like you could never live up to your parents’ expectations? The pain of being hurt by those you love? The pain of not knowing how to exist as yourself in the world? From never feeling like your emotions were safe or welcome? From being overlooked, manipulated, or made to feel small in your closest relationships? From always putting other peoples’ needs first?

Many people have bottled up their troubles, pushed past their discomfort, and tried to build themselves a life worth living. And maybe they succeed. For a while. But that doesn’t mean the experience hasn’t deeply affected them - how they think of themselves, how they communicate, how they show up as a partner, as a parent, as a friend or colleague.

And here’s the thing: trauma doesn’t always look like a crisis. It can be the very tools you’ve used to push past your experiences.

What is Relational Trauma (Even If You Don’t Call It That)

Trauma isn’t just about what happened to you—it’s also about how your body and nervous system responded to what happened. You don’t need a diagnosis of PTSD to be carrying trauma. It doesn’t have to be flashbacks and nightmares. Trauma is anything that has overwhelmed your nervous system and very often comes from relationships. Those relationships we have that determine how safe, supported, heard or loved we felt. It can come from :

• Being parented by someone emotionally unavaiable, critical, or unpredictable

• Having to earn love and affection, having it being conditional on your behavior, performance, achievements, or looks

• Being bullied, excluded or belittled in adolescence

• Feeling trapped or invisible in intimate relationships

Relational trauma is these wounds that occur in childhood, in your family system, in friendships, or in intimate partnerships. They might not feel traumatic in the moment, but their impact runs deep. And they don’t go away just because you’ve “moved on.”

Hidden Signs of Trauma

Trauma doesn’t just live in our memory, it lives in our patterns. Relational trauma in particular can show up in ways that aren’t dramatic. But it can quietly shape the way you move through the world, how you see yourself, others, assess danger or comfort in relationships, and communicate. Common signs are

• Chronic self-doubt or low self-worth, feeling like you are never good enough

• Difficulty trusting others or feeling close

• Feeling emotionally numb or disconnected, shutting down when faced with conflict or disagreement

• A relentless inner critic, perfectionism and setting unacheivably high standards for yourself

• People-pleasing or difficulty saying no, ignoring your needs to meet the needs of those around you

• Anxiety that seems to come out of nowhere

• Repeating patterns in relationships, even when you know better, somehow always dating the same type of person, or always finding yourself in the same situation

But these trauma patterns run deeper, and trauma therapy might help you get to the root of them—not just cope with the symptoms.

Why Talk Therapy Isn’t Always Enough

Many clients come to me after doing years of talk therapy. They’ve had great therapists. Perhaps they have struggled with depression or anxiety. They’ve learned all the right tools. Perhaps they are on medication. But they still feel stuck.

That’s because trauma doesn’t just live in your thoughts. It lives in your body. When the nervous system is still on high alert or frozen in self-protection mode, no amount of talking can fully shift how you feel. Trauma therapy goes beyond this. Some types of therapy, like EMDR and somatic work, help you reprocess old memories and regulate your nervous system, so you’re not just thinking differently—you’re feeling differently.

If talking hasn’t been enough, perhaps it’s time to try something new.

Let’s Explore the Patterns

You don’t have to meet some definition of ‘traumatized’ to benefit from trauma therapy. You just have to be ready to explore, to question, and to heal on a deeper level. If you’re wondering whether trauma might be part of your story—even if you’ve never called it that—I invite you to reach out.

Not Quite Assault, But Still Not Okay: Everyday Sexual Violations That Add Up

Trigger Warning: This piece discusses sexual boundaries, pressure, early sexualization, and subtle consent violations. While it doesn’t include graphic content, it names experiences that may bring up discomfort or memories. Please take care of yourself as you read.

What Are Everyday Sexual Violations?

There’s a whole category of sexual experiences that many women have - unwanted, uncomfortable, confusing - that we often just brush aside. They’re the moments we second-guess, think about late at night, or just try to forget. The comments we tell ourselves were just “jokes.” The looks, the touches, the pressure that didn’t feel great but didn’t feel “bad enough” to call out.

And what would happen if we did call it out? If we called it all out? How exhausting. Better just move on.

But we still carry these everyday violations with us, not because they’re traumatic in the way we recognize, but because they slowly wear us down. It’s a burden that makes our back stoop. They teach us to silence ourselves. To question our instincts. To normalize being just a little uncomfortable, a little used, a little invisible. And definitely not to talk about it.

They rarely show up in police reports. But they show up in how we relate to our bodies, to sex, and to what we think we’re allowed to say no to.

The Early Sexualization of Girls

For a lot of women, this starts way too early.

It’s the feeling of being looked at in a certain way by adult men when you’re still a kid. You might not have had the words to describe it, or understood what it meant, but most women I have spoken to know the feeling. Realizing that people are starting to look at you differently. The sideways comments about your body. Being told to “cover up” because someone else might look at you the wrong way—as if that look is your responsibility.

Before we even understand what sex is, many girls have learned what it means to be sexualized. We learn that attention—wanted or not—might be coming, and it’s on us to manage it.

This early awareness isn’t empowering. It’s confusing. It pulls girls out of their own experience of their bodies and teaches them to look at themselves from the outside. This is how disconnection begins. And that disconnection makes it harder, later on, to know what we want—or what we’re allowed to want, or to say no to.

Unwanted Attention: Looks, Comments, and "Jokes"

Sometimes, it’s not even what’s done to us, it’s what’s said about us. Or said to us, piling on self-consciousness, pressure, uneasiness.

“You’d be prettier if you smiled.”
“Don’t dress like that if you don’t want attention.”
“Relax, it’s just a compliment.”

These comments aren’t harmless. They are a constant reminder that apparently our bodies are open for judgment, that our wants or needs aren’t important, and that being uncomfortable is something we should just accept to avoid being “too sensitive.”

Even when physical boundaries are not crossed, our emotional and psychological boundaries often are. There are so many examples, and sure, they are small, but it adds up. A joke at your expense. A comment on your body from a teacher, a coach, a friend's dad. That feeling of being watched, even in your safest spaces. And over time, you start to wonder if this is just what being a girl—or a woman—means.

The Blurred Lines of Consent in Young Adulthood

By the time we reach our teens or early twenties, many of us have already internalized the idea that our bodies aren't entirely ours. That sex is something we give, not something we share. That saying “yes” is expected—even if it’s not what we really want.

In the early stages of sexual experience, the lines around consent can get blurry, not necessarily because we don’t know how we feel and what we want, but because we’ve been conditioned not to trust those feelings. We've learned to interpret discomfort as a problem with ourselves, not with the situation.

It shows up in moments like these:

• Feeling like you owe someone sex because they bought you dinner.

• Saying “yes” to avoid making things awkward.

• Having sex because they were getting annoyed, and it felt easier to just go along with it.

• Thinking, Well, we’ve already started, even when you want to stop.

This isn’t “enthusiastic consent.” This is social pressure, conditioning, and emotional manipulation doing exactly what they’re designed to do. Leaving usdoubting ourselves long enough to surrender. And make us feel bad about the situation and ourselves at the same time.

Why It Still Matters—Even If It’s Not a Crime

A lot of women struggle to talk about these experiences because they don’t feel “serious enough.” Maybe there was no force, no yelling, no obvious violation. But that doesn’t mean there was consent in any real, meaningful way. We’ve been taught to think of sexual harm in legal terms: Was it assault? Was there violence? Did I fight back? But the law’s definition of harm is not the only one that matters.

• There’s emotional harm in saying yes when everything in you wanted to say no.

• There’s psychological harm in being made to feel responsible for someone else’s experience

• There’s spiritual harm in learning to ignore your own warning signals to avoid conflict.

This can leave confusion, shame, and silence.

The Connection Between “Small” Violations and Future Victimization

When a person’s boundaries are consistently ignored, minimized, or pushed away, it makes them more vulnerable to future harm. This isn’t about blaming the victim, but understanding a pattern.

When a girl learns to ignore her discomfort at sexualized looks at twelve, when she learns to keep silent about ‘a joke’ at fifteen, when she says yes out of guilt at twenty - she becomes less likely to recognize similar or more dangerous situations. Not because she’s weak but because this process has trained her to doubt herself.

Over time, the line between what’s okay and what’s not becomes blurred—not because she doesn't care about her boundaries, but because her boundaries have never been respected consistently enough to feel real.

And that’s how these “small” violations add up.

Sexual Autonomy and the Right to Say No

Let’s be clear: sexual autonomy isn’t about saying “no” all the time. It’s about knowing you have the right to—without guilt, without pressure, without fear of backlash or shame.

It also means having the freedom to say “yes” from a place of desire, not obligation.

But for so many women, that clarity has been blurred. Years of socialization, early violations, and internalized expectations have taught us to second-guess ourselves. To prioritize being liked, being wanted, being "cool"—over being honest about what we actually want or don’t want.

Reclaiming sexual autonomy means checking in with yourself.

• Do I want this, or do I just not want to disappoint someone?

• Am I choosing this, or avoiding conflict?

• Am I connected to my body right now, or am I numbing out?

Autonomy means you don’t owe anyone access to your body—not because you're in a relationship, not because you've done it before, not because they’re “nice.” Your body, your choice. Every time.

Untangling Sex Positivity from Sexual Pressures

We don’t grow up in a vacuum. We’re constantly being fed messages about what sex should look like—especially now, with porn, OnlyFans, and hypersexualized content just a tap away and accessible at ever younger ages. (Anyone over the age of 30 probably remembers sneaky glances at dirty magazines, I’m not even sure people buy them anymore?)

Let’s be clear - I support sex workers and this is a sex positive space - many of the people I work with are or have been sex workers.

But let’s not pretend this topic is not without nuance. If the dominant cultural script shows women performing pleasure rather than feeling it, submitting rather than choosing, existing to arouse rather than connect—then of course we end up confused. Of course we internalize those roles.

Many young women enter their sexual lives feeling like they need to be “good at sex” before they even know what they like. They perform pleasure. They fake orgasms. They try things they don’t actually enjoy—because they think they’re supposed to. And when we don't feel entitled to real desire, to slowness, to safety, we start to believe that discomfort is just part of the deal. That “being good at sex” means being available, flexible, and low-maintenance. Not empowered, clear, and self-aware.

Being sex-positive also means challenging a culture where many people learn to perform sex before they learn to enjoy it, and where internalized expectations from media don’t reflect actual desires. Let’s encourage more conscious, consensual, connected sex. All consensual sex is valid and valuable - casual, kinky, romantic, solo, queer, paid, etc. Let’s allow people to define what’s right for them, free from pressure, shame, or performance.

Healing From Sexual Microaggressions and Reclaiming Your Sexuality

Healing from negative sexual experiences - especially the subtle ones, the ones that never got named, the ones you were told to brush off - is incredibly complex. There’s often no clear story to tell, no obvious villain. Just moments that linger. Feelings you can’t quite shake. A growing disconnection from your body and your own instincts. It’s easy to lose sight of what you actually want, need, or deserve.

This kind of healing is about rebuilding a connection to your body, your instincts, and your inner voice. It’s also about reclaiming your sexuality - taking back what is rightfully yours. Not the version shaped by shame or performance or someone else's desire, but the one that is rooted in your pleasure, your curiosity, your timing, and your truth.

Therapy can help you make sense of what you’ve internalized, challenge what no longer fits, and rediscover what desire, safety, and boundaries mean for you - on your terms. You are allowed to feel confused, angry, violated, or shut down about these things no one else noticed. These things you’ve maybe never talked about or the things you haven’t wanted to think about. You are allowed to want more from your sexual experiences. You are allowed to heal, even if no one ever said you were hurt.

Early Morning Therapy: The Power of Starting Your Day with Healing

We never get a chance to slow down, to take a breath, to find time for ourselves. This is particularly true with emotional healing. That can often feel like a luxury not for busy people like us. But what if you didn’t have to fight with your schedule? What if therapy could be something to start your daily flow rather than interrupting it? Early morning therapy can be a powerful and practical way to prioritize your mental health without sacrificing the other important things. Whether you’re a shift worker, a busy parent, or simply someone who thrives in the quiet of early hours, morning counseling may be for you.

Beyond this convenience, there’s real therapeutic value in beginning your day grounded, supported, and seen.

The Rise of Morning Therapy: A Quiet Revolution

Early morning therapy isn’t always widely available. Most counseling offices work on a traditional work day schedule, or cater to those who do - only offering limited after 5pm or weekend spots. This leaves many people - especially those with particularly demanding jobs or unconventional schedules - unable to access the mental health care they need.

Increasingly, and in a large part driven by the rise of telehealth, more and more therapists are offering early morning sessions. The early appointments meet the needs of:

• Healthcare professionals with 12-hour shifts

• Shift workers who work overnight

• Parents who want support before their children wake

• Remote workers or entrepreneurs seeking emotional clarity before diving into a busy day

Morning therapy is more than a scheduling convenience—it’s an intentional act of self-care at a time when the world is still quiet, and your mind is less cluttered. It's a subtle revolution in how we care for ourselves.

The Science Behind Early Morning Counseling

There is a biological and psychological basis for why morning therapy can be particularly impactful. For many people, our brains tend to be more alert and emotionally regulated in the early hours, due to a natural spike in cortisol (your body’s “get-up-and-go” hormone). This heightened alertness can help you:

• Process emotions with more clarity

• Integrate insights more effectively

• Feel more motivated to act on what you discussed

In fact, studies show that problem-solving and emotional processing can be sharper in the morning, especially after a good night’s sleep. With fewer distractions and mental fatigue, early morning sessions may offer more focused and meaningful work than end-of-day therapy, when many people are emotionally spent. This allows you to get into therapy and challenge yourself, make change and do something rather than just sit sleepily through another afternoon session feeling like you are stuck.

Also important is that starting your day with intentional reflection, grounding, and support can shift your entire mindset. It is a signal to your body and mind that you are prioritizing your self care. Therapy is not just a place to dump your troubles but a dedicated and intentional launchpad for the rest of your day.

Who Is Morning Therapy Actually For?

The truth is: early morning therapy should just be for “morning people.” It’s for anyone who wants their healing work to fit into their life instead of always competing with it. Let’s be honest, most of us aren’t living out the traditional 9-to-5 schedule. We all have different and competing priorities, and spend a lot of time juggling responsibilities. Some people are up long before sunrise. Others don’t have the luxury of taking time out during their workday. Morning counseling meets you where you are, with your real-world responsibilities in mind.

It’s especially helpful for:

• Healthcare workers — You spend your day caring for others. A 5 a.m. therapy session lets you care for yourself before your shift even begins.

• Shift workers & overnight employees — Your schedule doesn’t fit the norm. Why should your mental health care have to?

• Parents — Mornings are often the only quiet time in the house. Early therapy gives you space before the chaos of parenting begins.

• Entrepreneurs and creatives — Morning therapy can become a grounding ritual before you start making decisions, solving problems, or creating things all day.

• People with anxiety or trauma — The early hours tend to be more emotionally regulated, the time when your body and mind is best able to process and do the work. Starting your day with a session can be an antidote to overwhelm before it even begins.

This isn’t about being a “morning person.” It’s about having access to care at a time that aligns with your life—not the other way around.

Why Telehealth Makes Morning Therapy Possible (and Powerful)

Let’s be honest : few people are going to drive across time in the dark for a 6am therapy appointment. That’s where telehealth comes in. With secure, private online sessions, you can wake up, make your coffee, and hop on a video call with your therapist with no drama. There’s no commute. No waiting room. You don’t need to to your hair or makeup (but please do put clothes on!). You just get support, right when you need it.

Telehealth creates a level of flexibility that makes early morning therapy actually doable—especially for people with tight or unpredictable schedules. And for those dealing with trauma, anxiety, or burnout, there’s definitely a comfort in being in your own space. You don’t have to leave your safe zone to get the help you need. You just show up—exactly as you are.

Reframing Therapy: From Crisis to Self-Care

A lot of people end up in therapy because something is wrong. Waiting until their symptoms ate unbreasble, until they are at the end of their rope, and feeling in crisis. But mental wellbeing is something we should nurture every day before we get to crisis point.

Morning therapy helps with this reframing, because it isn’t just about managing symptoms—it’s about investing in your mental health the way you would invest in exercise, hydration, or sleep. It’s part of your self-care toolkit, not a last resort.

Starting the day in this way sets the tone for the day ahead. You are sending the messages that: “I’m worthy of time. My wellbeing matters. I don’t have to push myself to the edge before I ask for support.” When therapy becomes a morning ritual, it’s not a chore—it’s a moment of intention and self compassion. It’s a way of giving to yourself before the rest of the world starts to take.

Making Space for Yourself in the Morning

You don’t have to overhaul your entire life to prioritize your mental health. It can start with a single, quiet hour—before the rest of the day even begins. Morning therapy is one way to carve out that space.

Morning therapy isn’t for everyone—but it might be for you. If you’re constantly putting yourself last, juggling caregiving, shift work, or creative projects, and finding it impossible to make time for your mental health… maybe it’s time to try something new.

The early hours offer more than just quiet—they offer possibility. Clarity. Momentum.

If you’re ready to see what a 5 a.m. counseling session feels like (spoiler: it’s more peaceful than you think), you don’t have to wait. You can start by booking a free consultation call or simply reach out with questions. No pressure. Just a place to explore if this might be right for you.

Because your healing shouldn’t have to wait until everything else is done.

Sexual Assault in Relationships: Recognizing Abuse & Finding Support

Trigger Warning: This article discusses sexual assault and abuse in relationships, which may be distressing for some readers. Please take care of your well-being as you engage with this content.

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, intended to increase awareness and provide education around sexual violence as well as support survivors. Conversations about sexual assault often focus on attacks by strangers, but this does not reflect most survivors' experiences. It is estimated that 80-90% of women know their perpetrator, with more than half of sexual assaults perpetrated by a current or former partner. Sexual abuse within relationships is an issue that often goes unrecognized or unspoken.

In my former role as a therapist in a domestic violence and sexual assault agency, I saw firsthand how common this was, and also the confusion survivors faced when asked about sexual assault within their relationships. Survivors often struggled to understand their experiences, largely because sexual abuse in relationships does not always fit the stereotypical image of sexual violence. It’s rarely a dramatic, overtly violent act. In the context of abusive relationships, sexual violence is a tool of control, coercion, and manipulation. Many survivors experience mixed emotions—grappling with their beliefs about intimacy, cultural and societal expectations, feelings of betrayal or disbelief, and deep internal conflict about being harmed by someone they love.

Forms of Sexual Abuse in Relationships

Sexual abuse within relationships can take many forms. Even if it doesn’t involve physical violence, it can still be coercive, violating, and deeply harmful. Some common ways this abuse appears include:

1. Pressure for Sex

• Persistent begging, guilt-tripping, or making a partner feel guilty for saying no.

• Using phrases like, "If you loved me, you would..." or "You owe me."

• Acting withdrawn, sulking, or becoming angry when a partner refuses sex.

2. Forced Sexual Contact

• Non-consensual touching, groping, or other physical contact.

• Engaging in sexual acts while a partner is asleep, intoxicated, or otherwise unable to consent.

• Ignoring a partner’s attempts to stop or pull away.

3. Emotional Manipulation & Coercion

• Using guilt, shame, or fear to get a partner to comply.

• Making threats like, "If you don’t, I’ll cheat on you," or "I’ll leave you."

• Tying sexual compliance to affection, love, or safety in the relationship.

4. Using Sex as Punishment or Control

• Withholding affection or sex as a way to manipulate or punish.

• Insisting on unwanted or degrading sexual acts as a form of power and humiliation.

• Using sex to assert dominance, especially after an argument or as an act of "making up" under duress.

Understanding Sexual Assault and Consent in Relationships

Sexual assault in a relationship is complicated by love, attachment, and social expectations around what sex "should" look like in a partnership. Many survivors struggle with questions like:

• Was it really assault if I didn’t fight back?

• I didn’t say no, but I also didn’t say yes—does that count?

• Isn’t it normal for couples to have sex even when one person isn’t in the mood?

• If I agreed in the past, does that mean I have to say yes every time?

Society often reinforces the idea that sex is an obligation in relationships. When violence has happened in the past or has been threatened, it becomes harder to say no. Unfortunately, many adults were never taught clear consent. While awareness is improving, many still struggle to understand what true enthusiastic consent looks like.

Consent should be:

• Freely given – without pressure, manipulation, or guilt.

• Enthusiastic – a clear, enthusiastic "yes" rather than the absence of "no."

• Ongoing – just because you consented before doesn’t mean it’s automatic every time.

Many survivors of domestic violence have, over time, had their consent disregarded and their feelings dismissed. This can heighten feelings of powerlessness and confusion. Media often portrays sexual assault as only involving physical violence or strangers, making it harder for survivors to recognize their experiences as valid.

The Emotional Impact of Sexual Assault in Relationships

Experiencing sexual abuse within a relationship can have profound psychological and emotional consequences. It is rarely a one-time occurrence and often happens repeatedly throughout the relationship. Survivors may struggle with:

• Feeling responsible for what happened or believing they should have fought harder.

• Internalizing messages that minimize their pain, such as, “At least they didn’t hit me.”

• Struggling to define what happened as assault because it doesn’t fit traditional narratives.

• Feeling pressured to stay silent because the perpetrator is a partner or spouse.

• Anxiety, depression, and PTSD-like symptoms.

• Detachment or dissociation from one’s body.

• Difficulty with intimacy and future relationships.

Survivors are often met with dismissive responses from loved ones, law enforcement, or even therapists who fail to recognize sexual abuse in relationships. This lack of validation can deepen feelings of isolation and self-doubt.

Seeking Support: How Therapy Can Help

Navigating the emotional toll of sexual abuse in a relationship is incredibly complex. However, recognizing, talking about, and processing your experience can help with healing. Speaking with a therapist can provide survivors with:

1. A Safe Space to Process Trauma

Therapy allows survivors to discuss their experiences without fear of judgment. A therapist specializing in abusive dynamics can help you feel validated and heard.

2. Clarity on Consent & Boundaries

Survivors often struggle to define what happened to them. Therapy helps in understanding consent and recognizing abusive patterns. Naming what happened for what it truly is can help in healing and self-protection.

3. Tools for Reclaiming Autonomy & Self-Worth

Abuse erodes a survivor’s sense of control and agency. Therapy helps rebuild confidence and trust in yourself, empowering you to set healthy boundaries in future relationships.

Know that:

• Your pain is real, and your experience is valid.

• You do not have to fit a specific mold to be a survivor.

• Support is available, and you deserve healing.

To book a free consultation to process your experience, you can schedule at a time that suits you here.

Resources for Survivors

In addition to therapy, there are many free resources available for education and support. Consider reaching out to:

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) – RAINN.org
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 – thehotline.org
Local crisis, sexual assault, or domestic violence centers

Post-Traumatic Growth: Healing, Identity, and Self-Compassion After Trauma

The Work That Comes After Trauma

Healing from trauma is not just about moving past pain—it’s about transformation. It isn’t just about moving forward—it’s about making sense of who you are after everything you’ve been through.While trauma can leave deep wounds, the process of working through it can also reveal profound strength, resilience, and self-awareness. This process is called post-traumatic growth —the idea that through healing, we can emerge stronger, more self-aware, and more deeply connected to ourselves and others.

But growth doesn’t happen simply by pushing past pain. It requires us to slow down, look inward, and build a compassionate relationship with all parts of ourselves—including the aspects that cause us trouble or we wish would just disappear.

Many survivors struggle with self-compassion, dismissing it as something nice in theory but impossible in practice. Clients often say:

• “I know I should be kinder to myself, but I don’t know how.”

• “I know my inner critic is harsh, but it’s the only thing keeping me accountable.”

• “I don’t want to just ‘accept’ myself—I want to change.”

The gap between knowing something intellectually and feeling it emotionally can be the hardest part of healing. Self-compassion is not just about accepting who you are—it’s about understanding why you are the way you are.

Instead of seeing yourself as permanently stuck in patterns shaped by trauma, what if you could approach yourself with curiosity? What if the things you struggle with—your inner critic, your anxious tendencies, your difficulty trusting—weren’t signs of personal failure but instead adaptive responses to past pain?

Self-compassion is not about ignoring flaws or accepting harmful behaviors. It’s about understanding why we think, feel, and react the way we do—and recognizing that even our harshest self-judgments come from parts of us that are trying to protect us in some way.

Post-Traumatic Growth: Strength Through Healing

Trauma changes us, but it does not have to define us. Post-traumatic growth is the idea that through working with trauma—rather than avoiding or suppressing it—we can develop:

• A deeper sense of personal strength (“If I survived that, I can survive anything.”)

• A greater appreciation for life (“I don’t take the small joys for granted anymore.”)

• Stronger, more meaningful relationships (“I now know what real safety and connection feel like.”)

• A clearer sense of purpose (“My experiences have shaped me, and I want to use them to help others.”)

• New possibilities for the future (“I am not limited to what happened to me.”)

But to reach this stage of growth, we must first tend to the parts of ourselves that are still holding onto survival patterns.

Understanding Your Inner Landscape

Our past experiences don’t just shape our behaviors; they also shape the different parts of ourselves that try to protect us. These protective instincts often stem from survival mechanisms developed in response to childhood trauma, emotional neglect, or relational abuse. We all have different inner voices and patterns that influence how we respond to the world. These might include:

• The Inner Critic – The voice that constantly points out flaws, often as a way to prevent failure or rejection.

• The Protector – The part that keeps us guarded, avoiding intimacy or vulnerability to prevent further pain.

• The Overachiever – The part that believes working harder will prove our worth or prevent abandonment.

• The Wounded Inner Child – The part that carries the raw pain of past neglect, betrayal, or unmet needs.

These parts exist for a reason. They developed in response to past experiences, trying to keep us safe—even if their methods now cause more harm than good. Instead of rejecting these parts, healing means getting curious about them.

For example:

• Your inner critic may be trying to protect you from external criticism by keeping you “in line.”

• Your anxiety may be a survival response, keeping you hyper-aware of potential danger.

• Your avoidance of conflict may be rooted in a past where speaking up led to harm.

When we shift from self-judgment to curiosity, we start to see ourselves differently. We recognize that even our most frustrating patterns are adaptations—strategies our mind created to protect us at some point in our lives. Rather than trying to silence or fight these reactions, what if you listened to them instead? By approaching these parts of yourself with understanding instead of judgment, you can begin to heal each part of yourself.

Rebuilding Identity After Trauma through Compassion

Trauma often distorts our sense of self, leaving us feeling disconnected or lost. Many survivors experience a crisis of identity, asking:

• Do I even know who I am outside of this trauma?

• Am I just the person who “gets through” hard things?

• How do I figure out what I actually want from life?

We can rebuild our sense of self, and enjoy the benefits of post-traumatic growth through dedicated and continual self-compassion. This does not come easy to many trauma survivors. Self-compassion isn’t just about thinking kinder thoughts—it’s about actively working with ourselves in a way that fosters change.

1. Notice and Name Your Inner Patterns

• When you feel overwhelmed, pause and ask: What part of me is speaking right now?

• Label it gently: “This is my critic,” or “This is my protector stepping in.”

• Naming your patterns creates a bit of space between you and your reactions.

2. Get Curious Instead of Critical

• Instead of saying, “I hate that I’m so anxious,” try: “What is this anxiety trying to protect me from?”

• Instead of saying, “I need to stop being so sensitive,” try: “What does this sensitive part of me need right now?”

• Curiosity shifts us from judgment to understanding.

3. Offer Your Parts What They Need

• If your inner critic is trying to keep you safe, reassure it that you are capable of handling challenges without self-punishment.

• If your protector part is keeping you from vulnerability, show it that safety is possible in relationships built on trust.

• If your wounded inner child needs comfort, give yourself the kindness you never received.

Healing and Growth Are Not Opposites

Many survivors worry that accepting themselves as they are means they’ll stop growing. In reality, self-compassion is what allows for deeper transformation.

Post-traumatic growth isn’t about “getting over” trauma—it’s about integrating what you’ve been through into a stronger, wiser, more self-aware version of yourself. It’s about recognizing that all of your responses—your anxiety, your fear, your inner criticism—are rooted in survival. And that survival was necessary.

But you are not in survival mode anymore.

With curiosity and self-compassion, you can move from just getting by to truly thriving.

In therapy, we work to reconnect with your authentic self—the version of you that exists beyond survival mode. Together, we explore:

• How your past has shaped your identity—without letting it define you.

• The values that truly matter to you, not just the ones you were conditioned to hold

• Incorporating daily accountability, in identifying and breaking harmful patterns

• Building internal and external sources of encouragement, on those days when it just feels hard and as you learn to trust yourself

• How to make meaning from your experiences and build a life aligned with who you want to be.

Click here to read more about the work we can do with identity exploration in the aftermath.

Click here to book a free consultation to discuss your options.

How Complex Trauma Shapes Your Relationships: Breaking Free from Unhealthy Patterns

Why Trauma Survivors Struggle in Relationships

I have written in the past about complex trauma (C-PTSD), it’s relationship to neurodivergence, steps to healing and its causes. I thought it worth to deep dive a little more into how complex trauma can make you more vulnerable to further abusive or toxic relationships.

Those who experience C-PTSD often find that their relationships feel like a battlefield, just hard. They are filled with cycles of emotional pain, confusion, and self-doubt. People find themselves drawn to toxic relationship patterns without fully understanding why. If you've struggled with abusive relationships, difficulty setting boundaries, or repeating painful relationship dynamics, your history of trauma may hold the key to understanding these challenges.

Recognizing complex trauma is such an important step towards healing. Through deeper awareness, self-compassion, and support, you can first recognize, then break free from unhealthy patterns and build relationships that are safe, fulfilling, and aligned with your values.

What Is Complex PTSD (C-PTSD)? How It Differs from PTSD

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) typically develops after a single traumatic event, such as a car accident, natural disaster, or assault. PTSD is often associated with flashbacks, nightmares, and hypervigilance, all tied to a specific, time-limited trauma.

Complex PTSD (C-PTSD), on the other hand, results from prolonged, repeated trauma, often occurring in childhood or within relationships. This can include:

• Emotional, physical, or sexual abuse

• Chronic neglect or invalidation

• Growing up in an unpredictable, high-conflict home

• Long-term exposure to abusive relationships or domestic violence

How Domestic Violence Can Lead to C-PTSD

C-PTSD doesn’t just develop from childhood trauma—it can also result from abusive adult relationships, particularly in cases of domestic violence. Survivors of long-term emotional, physical, or psychological abuse often experience:

• A constant state of fear and hypervigilance, never knowing when the next outburst or attack will happen

• Gaslighting and manipulation, which erodes self-trust and distorts reality

• Repeated cycles of abuse and "honeymoon phases", making it harder to leave

• A loss of personal identity, as the survivor’s needs, emotions, and autonomy are systematically erased

Domestic violence can create the same deep, lasting wounds as childhood trauma, making it difficult for survivors to feel safe, trust others, or set healthy boundaries even after leaving the abusive relationship.

Experiencing domestic violence can cause C-PTSD. But having C-PTSD (whether from childhood abuse or DV) may make your more vulnerable to abusive and toxic relationships later in life. Because C-PTSD is so deeply tied to relationships, it often shapes how we engage all our relationships.

Common Relational Struggles Linked to Complex Trauma

• Fear of abandonment - this may keep you trapped in unhealthy relationships. You may be more likely to overlook problems, you may blame yourself when things are difficiult, you may feel unlovable

• Struggles with boundaries—either being too rigid or too porous, or both. This means that you pull people too close, enmeshing yourself with them and their lives. Alternatively, you may throw up walls, making it hard to connect to you. Many people who have C-PTSD have a disorganized attachment style, that is, switching between too close and too distant in reaction to their relationships

• Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions - when you are exposed to abuse in childhood, it is incredibly common to internalize the abuse. You begin to feel responsible for the happiness of the people around you so have learnt to silence your own needs, people-please and avoid conflict at all costs

• Hypervigilance - experiencing dangerous relationships can leave you on edge. You are left constantly scanning for signs of rejection or danger in relationships

• Being drawn to relationships that replicate past wounds - Freud called this the ‘repetition compulsion’ - we are often drawn to relationships that mirror previous experiences, even when they cause pain. This can be because of familiarity or an attempt at ‘closing the loop’ and achieving a different outcome.

Complex trauma doesn’t just shape how you think about relationships—it affects your nervous system, self-worth, and ability to trust others.

Why Complex Trauma Can Lead to Toxic Relationships

If you've experienced emotionally abusive relationships, you may wonder: Why did I stay? Why didn’t I see the signs? The truth is, complex trauma makes it incredibly difficult to recognize and leave unhealthy relationships because of the impact it has.

1. Trauma Bonding: Why Leaving Feels Impossible

A trauma bond forms when intense emotional highs and lows keep you attached to someone, even when they hurt you. This is especially common in narcissistic or emotionally abusive relationships, where the cycle of love-bombing, devaluation, and intermittent reinforcement mirrors childhood experiences of unstable affection. The highs and lows that are so painful and harmful are also almost addictive.

Humans have an immense capacity for adaptation to our environment, whether healthy or unhealthy. Many people who move onto healthy relationships struggle at first, finding the lack of conflict, drama, and emotional yo-yoing ‘boring’. Healthy relationships are rarely dramatic.

2. Attachment Wounds: Why You Might Attract Emotionally Unavailable Partners

Complex trauma often disrupts attachment patterns, making emotionally unavailable or abusive partners feel familiar. If you had to earn love as a child, you might unconsciously repeat that cycle in adulthood. This might look like starting relationships with people who are emotionally unavaiable or challenging, believing that if you just try hard enough, you’ll be redeemed and receive the love and validation you deserve. Emotionally abusive relationships can harm your self-esteem to such an extent that you expose yourself to further emotional harm in an attempt to ‘make up’ for the past failures. Not only does this expose you to further pain, but it also places the responsibility for the relationship and any conflict to you. This allows abusers to take advantage of your vulnerabilities, since your default would be to blame yourself.

Signs of Attachment Wounds in Relationships:

• Anxious Attachment – Feeling desperate for reassurance, fearing abandonment, and over-explaining yourself

• Avoidant Attachment – Shutting down emotionally, struggling with intimacy, and pushing people away when they get too close

• Disorganized Attachment – Swinging between craving closeness and fearing it, often feeling conflicted in relationships

3. People-Pleasing and Fawning in Abusive Relationships

When conflict feels unsafe (as it often does for trauma survivors), you may develop fawning behaviors—prioritizing keeping the peace over your own needs. This is particularly common with people who were exposed to abuse in childhood. Rather than facing the horrifying truth that the caregiver that you rely on is unsafe, you take responsibility for their mood and actions. It is often safer emotionally for a child to blame themselves than recognize abuse from a caregiver. This shows up later in life as a sense of responsibility for the mood of the people around you, so you silence your own needs, people-please, and avoid conflict at all costs

This can look like:

• Ignoring red flags because you don’t want to be “too sensitive”

• Apologizing for things that weren’t your fault to prevent conflict

• Over-functioning in relationships, taking responsibility for the abuser’s emotions

These behaviors may have helped you survive childhood, but in adulthood, they keep you trapped in one-sided, unhealthy relationships.

Breaking Free: Healing From Complex Trauma in Relationships

The good news? You can unlearn these patterns. By no means is this an easy process. It is very often painful and difficult to explore the impact of painful and abusive relationships, take stock of how people may have let you down, and then recognize the ways in which this has changed the way that you show up in your relationships. Healing means reclaiming your sense of self, recognizing harmful dynamics, and building relationships based on mutual respect.

1. Build Awareness: Understanding the Patterns

The first step is to identify the ways trauma has shaped your relationships. Ask yourself:

• Do I feel safe expressing my needs in relationships?

• Do I over-function and take responsibility for others’ feelings?

• Do I ignore red flags in the hope things will get better?

• Do I struggle to set (and enforce) boundaries?

Recognizing these patterns allows you to step out of autopilot and make different choices.

2. Rewire Your Nervous System: Safety Comes First

Trauma lives in the body, not just the mind. Healing involves teaching your nervous system that safety and stability are possible. Some ways to do this:

• EMDR - challenging the negative beliefs about yourself that live in your body

• Somatic work - getting in touch with your body, through breathwork, grounding techniques, movement

• Developing self-compassion—talk to yourself the way you’d talk to a loved one

• Mindfulness and nervous system regulation to break patterns of hypervigilance

3. Practice Healthy Boundaries: Saying No Without Guilt

Boundaries are a form of self-care. They protect your energy, emotional well-being, and sense of self. They are also nuanced and delicate. Many of those dealing with the aftermath of abuse will respond by throwing up rigid boundaries, becoming almost unapproachable and shutting themselves off from others. This can be helpful as you heal within yourself, but in the long-run rarely reflects that values and connection that most people have. We learn to connect with healthy people and developing healthy boundaries can start with :

• Identifying your non-negotiables in relationships

• Learning to tolerate discomfort when enforcing boundaries

• Recognizing that saying no doesn’t make you “mean” or “selfish”

4. Seek Support: Therapy Can Help Rewire Relationship Patterns

Healing from relationship trauma is rarely a solo journey. Relational trauma is healed through healthy relationships. Therapy can provide:

• Validation—helping you see your experiences clearly, without self-blame

• A roadmap for breaking patterns and creating healthier relational dynamics

• Practical tools for healing attachment wounds and emotional triggers

If complex trauma has shaped your relationships, working with a trauma-informed therapist can help you untangle false beliefs about love, self-worth, and attachment—allowing you to build connections rooted in safety and mutual respect. Having just one healthy relationship can allow you the safety and practise ground for healing.

Final Thoughts: You Are Not Broken, and Healing Is Possible

Complex trauma may have shaped your past relationships, but it does not define your future. By understanding its impact, building self-awareness, and practicing new relational skills, you can break free from unhealthy patterns and create relationships that align with your worth.

You deserve safety, respect, and love that does not come at the cost of your well-being.

If you're ready to start your healing journey, therapy can provide the guidance and support you need.

Learn more about my work with those grappling with C-PTSD here

Executive Dysfunction and Emotional Healing: Why Healing Feels Harder Sometimes

Why Does Healing Feel So Difficult?

Healing from trauma is never a straightforward journey, but for those who struggle with executive dysfunction, it can feel even more overwhelming. Whether due to ADHD, autism, Complex PTSD (C-PTSD), depression, or prolonged emotional stress, executive dysfunction can make it harder to stay organized, regulate emotions, and follow through on healing strategies.

This isn’t about willpower or motivation—it’s a neurological challenge that can add an extra layer of frustration to an already difficult process. If you’ve ever felt stuck in your healing journey, struggling to stay consistent, or frustrated by setbacks, you’re not alone.

What Is Executive Dysfunction?

Executive function refers to the brain's ability to plan, organize, regulate emotions, and follow through on tasks. When someone experiences executive dysfunction, they may struggle with:

• Starting tasks, even ones they want to do

• Maintaining focus on recovery work like journaling, therapy homework, or self-care

• Regulating emotions, leading to overwhelm or shutdowns

• Remembering important coping strategies and insights from therapy

• Managing time effectively, making consistency difficult

These challenges often show up in people with ADHD, autism, trauma-related disorders, and depression. When it comes to emotional healing, executive dysfunction can make progress feel frustratingly slow.

How Trauma Impacts Executive Function

Trauma fundamentally changes brain function, especially in areas responsible for memory, emotional regulation, and decision-making. When someone has experienced prolonged stress or abuse, the brain stays in survival mode, prioritizing fight, flight, freeze, or fawn over long-term thinking.

This heightened stress state affects the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for executive functioning. As a result, trauma survivors may experience:

• Impulsivity and difficulty planning

• Emotional overwhelm and shutdowns

• Disorganization and forgetfulness

• Difficulty initiating or completing healing work

This neurological impact explains why even highly motivated survivors can feel stuck or inconsistent in their recovery.

How Executive Dysfunction Affects the Healing Process

Healing often involves tasks that require planning, emotional regulation, and follow-through—things that executive dysfunction makes challenging. Common struggles include:

• Struggling to Start Healing Work

You may know what you need to do (journaling, setting boundaries, researching trauma recovery), but when it’s time to start, you feel completely stuck.

• Inconsistent Progress

Some weeks, therapy and self-care feel manageable. Other times, exhaustion, avoidance, or distraction take over, leading to guilt and frustration.

• Emotional Paralysis

You feel overwhelmed with emotions but struggle to process them in a structured way, leading to shutdowns instead of active healing.

• Forgetting What Works

Even after learning helpful coping strategies, it’s easy to forget or abandon them during stressful moments, making it feel like you’re "starting over" repeatedly.

Making Healing More Accessible

If executive dysfunction is making healing harder, the problem isn’t you—it’s the approach. Here’s how to work with your brain rather than against it:

• Lower the Barrier to Entry – Instead of setting big, overwhelming healing goals, try smaller, more achievable ones. (Example: If journaling feels impossible, try voice-memo reflections instead.)

• Use External Reminders – Sticky notes, alarms, or therapy-friendly apps can help reinforce what you’re learning.

• Allow for Imperfect Progress – Healing isn’t linear, and consistency looks different for everyone. Celebrate any forward movement.

• Focus on One Small Change at a Time – Instead of overhauling your entire healing routine, focus on just one manageable shift.

• Have a “Reset Plan” – Instead of feeling defeated when you lose momentum, create a simple plan to help yourself get back on track.

How Therapy Can Help with Trauma and Executive Dysfunction

While self-help tools can be invaluable, healing doesn’t have to be a solo effort. Therapy provides a structured, supportive space to navigate the challenges of trauma recovery and executive dysfunction.

What Therapy Can Offer:

• Accountability & Gentle Guidance – When executive dysfunction makes it hard to follow through, having someone to check in with can help maintain momentum.

• Breaking Down Overwhelming Steps – A therapist can break the healing process into smaller, more manageable pieces, making it feel less daunting.

• Encouragement & Emotional Support – Healing is difficult, and self-criticism can be a huge barrier. A therapist helps reframe setbacks as part of the process and offers compassion along the way.

• Tools for Emotional Regulation – Learning coping strategies tailored to both trauma and executive dysfunction can make emotional processing feel more accessible.

• A Safe Place to Process Trauma – Therapy provides a space where survivors can work through their experiences without judgment or pressure.

Many people with executive dysfunction blame themselves for struggling with healing, but having trouble doesn’t mean you’re failing—it means you may need a different approach. Therapy can be a lifeline, offering the structure and encouragement needed to move forward, even when progress feels slow.

Final Thoughts: Healing at Your Own Pace

If you struggle with executive dysfunction while healing from trauma, it’s not a reflection of your commitment to healing—it’s a reflection of how your brain has learned to survive. But healing is possible, especially with the right support.

You are not lazy or unmotivated.
You don’t have to “fix” yourself overnight.
Healing works best when it aligns with how your brain functions.

With therapy, self-compassion, and practical strategies, you can move forward in a way that works for you. You don’t have to do this alone.

Breaking Free from Self-Blame After Emotional or Narcissistic Abuse

Self-blame is one of the deepest and most complicated wounds left by an abusive relationship. It represent one of the biggest ways in which abusive relationships change you, and one of the hardest wounds to heal. Even after the abuse ends, it can shape how you see yourself, making healing feel like an uphill battle. But self-blame isn’t failure—it’s a survival response. Understanding where it comes from and why can help you break free and reclaim your self-worth.

Why Do Abuse Survivors Blame Themselves? Understanding the Psychology of Self-Blame

The Legacy of Childhood Abuse: Why We Internalize Blame

For those who grew up with narcissistic, emotionally unavailable, or abusive caregivers, self-blame often begins in childhood. As children, we cannot emotionally or physically separate from our parents—we need them for survival. Because of this, we develop an idealized image of them, convincing ourselves that they are good, loving, and capable of meeting our needs.

It is more dangerous for us to recognize abuse for what it is than it is to mould our version of them to maintain the relationship. When caregivers are neglectful or abusive, it creates a painful conflict:

• If they are the problem, our sense of safety is at risk.

• To maintain the bond, we shift blame inward.

When caregivers behave in ways that are neglectful, cruel, or abusive, it creates a devastating conflict: if they are the problem, then our sense of safety and attachment are at risk. The only way to maintain the bond is to shift the blame inward. “If I were better, they would love me more.” “If I didn’t make mistakes, they wouldn’t get so angry.” This pattern of self-blame as self-preservation can follow us into adulthood, priming us to accept mistreatment in relationships and is one of the defining features of those who feel like they are perpetually trapped in abusive relationships.

Why Self-Blame Feels Safer in Abusive Relationships

In toxic relationships, accepting blame can feel like a survival strategy. Abusers are often rigid in their worldview, believing they are always right. They rewrite reality through gaslighting, manipulation, and emotional coercion. Over time, you may find it easier to accept their version of events rather than fight an exhausting, unwinnable battle.

Self-blame becomes a way to minimize conflict, but it comes at a cost:

• Losing trust in your own perception

• Silencing your needs

• Feeling constantly at fault

The Illusion of Control: How Self-Blame Keeps you Stuck

Living through emotional abuse is unpredictable and deeply destabilizing. It’s hard to know what to believe - about your abuser, yourself, or the relationship. Those caught in these dynamics often search for something solid—something they can control to make things better. Self-blame becomes that anchor.

If you believe that you are the problem, then you also believe that you hold the power to fix it. In a world of chaos, this illusion can feel like a lifeline. But the illusion of control keeps you striving, overworking, and constantly adjusting to prevent the next explosion. You tell yourself:

• “If I just communicate better, they won’t get so upset.”

• “If I don’t bring up my feelings, things will stay peaceful.”

• “If I try harder to meet their needs, they will finally see my worth.”

But no matter how much effort you put in, the goalposts keep moving. The real issue is not you—it’s the abuser’s unwillingness to take responsibility.

When Self-Blame Becomes Shame: Gaslighting Yourself

Self-blame doesn’t just stay internal. Over time, it manifests outwardly as shame—the belief that you are inherently broken, unworthy, or unlovable. This shame keeps survivors stuck in silence, afraid to reach out, feeling like they somehow “allowed” the abuse to happen.

This is one of the biggest tasks in the therapy journey: untangling what was never yours to carry. It’s difficult enough to be gaslighted by someone else, but when self-blame and shame take over, you begin gaslighting yourself. Your mind replays past events with regret, guilt, and self-criticism, asking:

• “Why didn’t I leave sooner?”

• “Why didn’t I see the red flags?”

• “Why did I keep trying to make it work?”

Healing means shifting from self-punishment to self-compassion. Instead of being stuck in what you "should have done," you can choose to move forward by living a life aligned with your values—not controlled by past abuse. The goal isn’t just to escape blame but to place responsibility where it actually belongs. Instead of punishing yourself for the past, focus on reclaiming your future.

Moving Forward and Reclaim Yourself

5 Powerful Ways to Stop Self-Blame and Heal from Abuse

1. Recognize the Pattern

Self-blame isn’t a reflection of truth—it’s a learned response. Start noticing when these thoughts arise and remind yourself that blame belongs to the abuser, not you. This takes practice and dedication, journaling, catching yourself, workign through the cascade of feelings can all help you recognize (and ultimately stop) the pattern.

2. Practice Self-Compassion

Instead of criticizing yourself for what you should have done, acknowledge the strength it took to survive. Speak to yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend.

3. Challenge the Illusion of Control

Remind yourself that no amount of effort or perfection could have changed someone unwilling to change themselves. This can mirror the work done with friends, caregivers, and loved ones of addicts - no amount of effort, reasoning, or love can force an addict to get sober—that decision must come from them. Similarly, in abusive relationships, survivors often believe that if they just say the right thing, act a certain way, or avoid conflict, they can "fix" the situation. In both abusive relationships and codependent dynamics with addicts, the first step toward healing is realizing that you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it.

4. Seek Support

Shame and self blame flourish in the darkness. Finding a supportive space where you can share your experiences, bring light to the darkness, or just get a ‘reality check’ from a trusted person when needed can be critical in the healing journey. Healing doesn’t happen in isolation. Therapy can be a powerful space to unpack internalized self-blame and rebuild self-trust.

5. Reclaim Your Narrative

You are more than your past. There is a grief that comes with letting go and grieving is a process. t’s painful to acknowledge that no amount of effort could have changed the past, that the love or fairness you longed for may never come from the person who harmed you. But while grief is necessary, staying stuck in regret isn’t.

At some point, we must choose to move forward—not because the past doesn’t matter, but because our future does. Healing means shifting focus from what was lost to what is still possible. You still have time to reclaim your voice, build self-trust, and create a life that aligns with your values. The story isn’t over—you get to write the next chapter.

Healing from Abuse: Releasing Self-Blame and Rebuilding Confidence

Healing means moving beyond the regret of the past and choosing to live in a way that honors your truth, your boundaries, and your worth. It’s about letting go of blame and stepping into self-trust.

Therapy can provide the support and guidance you deserve. If you're ready to start this journey, reach out. You don’t have to navigate this alone.If you are struggling with self-blame after abuse, you are not alone—and you are not at fault.

Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Therapy-Based Approach to Recovery

Breaking Free and Rebuilding Your Life

Healing from narcissistic abuse is complicated and a deeply personal journey. Living with a narcissist is like living in a house of mirrors, and the healing journey can feel just as disturbing. The aftereffects of this type of abuse show up often when you least expect it, in big ways and small, and very often feel like a burden that you can’t shake off. Survivors live with self-doubt, shame, and confusion after living through the manipulation and invalidation of narcissism.

To heal often means picking apart your experiences to piece yourself back together. What was it that happened to me? How did it affect me? How can I move forward? And how do I make sure it doesn’t happen again?

While the process takes time, with the right tools and support, survivors can rebuild, reconnect with their values, and come out even stronger. Healing isn’t just about moving on—it’s about stepping into who you truly are and creating a life that finally feels like your own.

Step 1: Accepting the Reality of the Abuse

The hardest part is often just fully accepting that it happened. Relationships (even when healthy!) are messy, and the cognitive dissonance of reconciling someone you felt love and connection with to the harm, cruelty, and manipulation you endured is hard to come to terms with.

This difficulty is amplified by many of the tactics of narcissistic abuse, in particular:

• Gaslighting Effects – The abuser distorts reality so often that it becomes hard to trust your true experiences.

• Blame – Narcissistic abusers love to shift blame, and many victims are made to feel too sensitive or as if they provoked abuse. As abuse wears you down, it becomes easier to believe that you are the problem.

• Emotional Rollercoaster – Due to the cycle of abuse, its push and pull, survivors often recall the best moments of the relationship, feel a close connection to their abuser, and maintain a hope for change.

Recognizing that narcissistic abuse is a deliberate pattern of control—not a misunderstanding or personal failing—is the first step toward healing.

Step 2: Educating Yourself on Narcissistic Abuse

Knowledge is power. Understanding what you experienced is a critical step in helping you to reframe your experiences, dismantle self-blame, and recognize where the fault for abuse lies. It can also be incredibly validating.

Many people try to skip this step, especially if the relationship with the narcissist has ended, because they don’t want to relive the pain. Dissecting narcissistic abuse is difficult—it’s messy, uncomfortable, and emotionally draining. It’s completely understandable to want to move on without revisiting it.

But understanding what happened isn’t about dwelling on the past—it’s about learning from it, building resilience, and protecting yourself moving forward.

By recognizing these patterns, survivors gain clarity and validation, allowing them to move forward with a stronger sense of self and a healthier outlook on future relationships.

Step 3: Developing Protective Strategies

Once you can recognize the patterns of narcissistic abuse, you can begin to develop protective strategies to limit further emotional harm. This is particularly important if you choose to continue the relationship. Sometimes we can’t avoid co-parenting with a narcissist or do not feel able to cut ties completely.

Protective Strategies Include:

• Setting Boundaries – Firm, non-negotiable boundaries are essential when dealing with a narcissist. This may include limiting conversations, refusing to engage in arguments, or establishing clear emotional and physical space.

• Gray Rock Method – If no contact isn’t possible, the gray rock technique—remaining emotionally unresponsive and uninteresting to the abuser—can help minimize their control.

• Going No Contact (If Possible) – Cutting off all communication is often the most effective way to break free from a narcissist’s influence. This can be challenging but is sometimes necessary for true healing.

• Recognizing Hoovering Attempts – Abusers often try to regain control through false apologies, guilt trips, or love-bombing. Understanding these tactics helps you stay firm in your boundaries.

Step 4: Processing the Impact of Abuse

Narcissistic abuse doesn’t just affect relationships—it deeply impacts a survivor’s sense of self-worth, emotional regulation, and ability to trust others. Therapy can help survivors unpack the trauma and rebuild their confidence.

Areas of Focus in Therapy May Include:

• Rebuilding Self-Trust – Learning to trust one’s perceptions and emotions again after prolonged gaslighting.

• Addressing C-PTSD Symptoms – Managing emotional flashbacks, hypervigilance, and self-doubt.

• Challenging Negative Self-Beliefs – Shifting from internalized shame to self-compassion.

• Breaking Toxic Relational Patterns – Understanding and healing attachment wounds that may have made the survivor susceptible to narcissistic abuse.

Step 5: Reclaiming Identity and Personal Power

The final stage of healing is about more than just moving on—it’s about reclaiming who you are beyond the abuse.

When we are immersed in a relationship with a narcissist, we often feel we have lost so much time managing the abuser’s emotions and expectations that we have lost touch with our own needs, desires, and dreams.

Ways to Rebuild Identity Include:

• Rediscovering Personal Interests and Passions

• Building a Supportive Community – Surrounding oneself with safe, validating relationships.

• Practicing Self-Compassion and Self-Care – Developing routines that reinforce self-worth.

• Empowering Oneself Through Boundaries and Self-Advocacy

Healing from narcissistic abuse isn’t about returning to who you were before—it’s about emerging stronger, wiser, and more aligned with your authentic self.

Taking the Next Step in Your Healing Journey

Recovery from narcissistic abuse is not linear, and healing takes time. If you're ready to gain clarity, rebuild your confidence, and break free from toxic patterns, I offer guidance and support tailored to survivors.

Read the first article in this series: Identifying Narcissistic Abuse – Signs, Cycles, and How to Break Free

Read the second article: Who Do Narcissists Target? Understanding Patterns, Attachment Styles, and Emotional Abuse Dynamics

Who Do Narcissists Target? Why Me? Understanding Patterns, Attachment Styles, and Abuse Dynamics

Can Anyone Be a Victim of Narcissistic Abuse?

Narcissistic abuse can happen to anyone. Narcissists are charming, charismatic and master manipulators. We can all fall prey to their allure. Narcissists do, however, often target individuals who are more vulnerable to these dynamics. This is not about blaming the victim, but rather understanding the dynamics that can make someone more susceptible. 

What Makes Someone a Target for a Narcissist?

Narcissists seek out individuals who serve a purpose in their world—people they can control, admire, or exploit. For a narcissist, their victim must hold perceived value, which can come in many forms: beauty, wealth, social status, connections, or unwavering loyalty. Some are drawn to highly empathetic individuals, as their kindness and willingness to give benefit of the doubt make them easier to manipulate. Others prey on those with insecurities or unresolved childhood wounds, instinctively knowing how to push their buttons. 

Understanding these patterns can help survivors break free, set stronger boundaries, and protect themselves from future abuse.

The Charisma and Magnetism of Narcissists 

Narcissists wear masks.They exude confidence, charm, and magnetism - the things we all find attractive. They may be incredibly successful, interesting, or powerful. Or they may have a story or a personality that draws you in. The initial stage of a relationship with a narcissist is exciting and dramatic, the stuff of fairytales. They pull you in quick, leading with a version of themselves to draw you in, and this tactic is all part of the manipulation. 

Narcissists are skilled at mirroring, they will become what you want —adopting your interests, values, and desires to create a sense of deep connection. This makes it so easy to believe you've found a soulmate, someone who truly understands you. This act is unsustainable, and over time the mask will slip. 

Narcissists move fast. They don’t want to give you time to stop and think or to calmly assess them, your dynamics or the relationship. They will love-bomb and bombard, and overwhelm you so that you can barely think straight. Signs of love-bombing include:

• Over-the-top flattery – “I’ve never met anyone like you! You’re perfect!”

• Constant communication – They text or call nonstop, expecting immediate responses.

• Moving too fast – Pushing for deep emotional intimacy, declarations of love, or commitment early on.

• Making you feel like you’re the center of their world – But later, this can turn into control.

Common Traits in Those Drawn into Narcissistic Relationships

Certain personality traits and attachment styles can make someone more vulnerable to narcissistic abuse. This isn’t because they are weak—quite the opposite. Many survivors are deeply empathetic, self-aware, and willing to work hard in relationships. These are all qualities that a narcissist values. 

• Empaths - By sharing the story of how the world has done them wrong, they pull you in emotionally and get buy-in for their version of events.

• People-pleasers - If you prioritize other people’s needs above your own and avoid conflict, the narcissist sees the potential for a symbiotic relationship. You give, they take. 

• Anxious attachment styles - Seeking validation and fearing abandonment, makes it more likely that you will tolerate or not even recognise inconsistent treatment. 

• Childhood trauma or emotional neglect – Growing up in a household where love and affection was conditional or not consistent can make unhealthy dynamics feel familiar.

• Strong sense of responsibility – Taking on the role of “fixer” or believing that love can change someone’s harmful behaviors.

These traits do not make someone responsible for the abuse they experience, but they can make it more difficult to recognize manipulation or walk away from toxic dynamics.

How to Identify a Narcissist - When to Trust Your Gut

If you feel like something is “off” in a relationship but can’t quite put your finger on it, trust that feeling. Very often people who have experienced childhood or relational trauma begin to believe that they are the problem, that they cannot trust their own instincts, or even successfully identify health or unhealthy dynamics. Narcissistic abuse isn’t always obvious, but it thrives on self-doubt. 

Here are some questions you can ask of yourself to clarify : 

• Do they shift blame and refuse to take responsibility for their actions?

• Do I feel like I have to work hard with them, earn their love or approval constantly?

• Do they show empathy and accountability, or do they become defensive and manipulative when confronted?

• Do I feel emotionally drained or anxious around them more often than I feel safe and secure?

• What do others say about them? Do they have healthy relationships with family and friends?

• What do they say about their ex-partners? Do they take any accountability for prior relationships ending?

• Do they make me feel special, only to later make me feel inadequate or unworthy?

• Do they dismiss my feelings or make me feel like I’m “too sensitive” when I express concerns?

What to Do If You Suspect You’re in a Narcissistic Relationship

Recognizing the red flags is the first step. If any of this sounds familiar, here are a few things you can do:

• Be more mindful of behaviors – Keep a mental note of red flags and recurring patterns. This can help you see manipulation tactics more clearly.

• Talk to someone you trust – Hold onto the healthy relationships in your life—a friend, family member, or therapist can offer valuable perspective and support.

• Learn about narcissistic abuse – Understanding common tactics like gaslighting and blame-shifting can help you separate reality from manipulation.

• Set boundaries – Start small, like limiting contact, refusing to engage in arguments, or asserting your needs without guilt.

• Watch for safety issues – If the narcissist becomes aggressive, controlling, or threatens you, take precautions to protect yourself. Create a safety plan and seek help if needed.

• Consider professional support – A therapist familiar with narcissistic abuse can be a crucial ally in your healing process, helping you rebuild confidence and set healthy relationship patterns.

If you’re in a situation that feels unhealthy, know that you don’t have to stay trapped in it. Recognizing the red flags early can help you take back your power and move toward healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

You deserve respect, safety, and love that lifts you up—not love that keeps you walking on eggshells.

Need Support? Take the Next Step Toward Healing

Gaining clarity about who narcissists target is just one piece of the puzzle—understanding the narcissistic abuse cycle can help you recognize manipulative patterns and break free.

Read my previous post on Identifying Narcissistic Abuse: Signs, Cycles, and How to Break Free

For more personalized support:

• Explore my work with survivors here

• Schedule a free consultation today

Is My Abuser a Narcissist? Signs, Cycles, and How to Break Free

The term "narcissism" has become a bit of a buzzword lately—thrown around in pop psychology, social media, and casual conversations. While this increased awareness can be helpful, it also risks diluting the seriousness of what narcissistic abuse really is. Just because the term is overused doesn’t mean the harm it describes isn’t real, devastating, and deeply complex.

What Is Narcissistic Abuse? Understanding Its Harm and Lasting Impact

Narcissistic abuse is a specific form of emotional abuse that falls within a much larger pattern of manipulation, control, and psychological harm. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a leading expert on narcissism, emphasizes that narcissistic abuse is not just about a "difficult" relationship—it is a systematic form of harm that erodes a person’s sense of self. Survivors are left struggling with self-doubt, anxiety, and in some cases, Complex PTSD (C-PTSD) due to the prolonged exposure to gaslighting, emotional invalidation, and control.

Not all narcissists are abusive, and not all abusers are narcissists. In some ways, it is a pointless exercise trying to get in their head and figure out if the abuser meets clinical criteria for narcisstic personality disorder. This isn’t about diagnosing or labeling abusers. Let’s focus on their actions and its consequences. Understanding whether what you experience is narcissistic abuse and recognizing its effects is an important first step in protecting yourself and healing from its harm.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) vs. Narcissistic Traits: What’s the difference?

We do not need to be victimized by a person diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder in order to be a victim of narcissistic abuse. In fact, many abusers may not meet full diagnostic criteria but still engage in deeply harmful behavior. There is a distinction between Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and narcissistic traits:

• Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a diagnosable mental health condition characterized by patterns of grandiosity, lack of empathy, and an excessive need for admiration. However, most narcissists never receive a formal diagnosis because they rarely seek therapy unless forced to do so.

• Narcissistic traits include entitlement, arrogance, or self-centered behavior. Many people can exhibit narcissistic traits at times, but this alone does not make someone abusive. Do all abusers exhibit some narcissistic traits? I think so.

Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse can include a wide range of harmful behaviors — manipulation, control, humiliation, gaslighting. What makes narcissistic abuse unique is the cycle of idealization, devaluation, and discard, often coupled with an intense need for control and self-serving manipulation by the abuser. 

The Narcissistic Abuse Cycle: Why It’s So Hard to Identify

A victim is a source of narcissistic supply to a narcissistic abuser. A key feature of narcissists is, despite appearing to the contrary, they are often deeply insecure and needy. They require people to provide a form of emotional sustenance, on order to maintain their fragile self-esteem and self-worth. This means that the relationships they form are unstable, only good for as long as they are ‘useful’. 

Narcissistic abuse operates within a distinct cycle that makes it difficult to recognize, especially in the early stages. Unlike other types of abuse, narcissistic abuse is often subtle, masked, and manipulative. 

1. Idealization (Love-Bombing)

• The narcissist showers the victim with attention, affection, and admiration.

• They create an intense emotional bond, making the victim feel special and chosen.

• Charm, grand gestures, and excessive flattery are common tactics used to gain control.

2. Devaluation

• The narcissist begins to criticize, belittle, and withdraw emotionally.

• The victim feels like they are walking on eggshells, desperately trying to regain the affection that once felt secure.

• Affection becomes unpredictable, leading to self-doubt, anxiety, and confusion.

3. Intermittent Reinforcement

• Affection and kindness are given sporadically and then withheld, creating an emotional rollercoaster.

• The victim is left in a constant state of distress and uncertainty.

• This push-and-pull dynamic keeps them psychologically tethered to the abuser, making it harder to leave.

4. Discard

• The narcissist abruptly ends the relationship or emotionally abandons the victim.

• The victim feels devastated, confused, and searching for answers.

• Many victims internalize the blame, believing they were at fault for the relationship’s failure.

5. Hoovering (A Manipulative Attempt to Regain Control)

• The narcissist returns with false promises of change, claiming they’ve realized their mistakes.

• They use guilt, nostalgia, or pity to manipulate the victim into staying.

• Once re-engaged, the cycle repeats—often becoming more intense over time.

This toxic cycle—combined with gaslighting—leaves victims questioning reality:
"How can things be bad when they were once so good?"

Recognizing Narcissistic Abuse Tactics

Unlike physical abuse, which is more immediately recognizable, narcissistic abuse, like all emotional abuse, erodes a person’s self-worth and autonomy over time. This is achieved by common tactics such as:

• DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) – A common manipulation tactic where the abuser denies wrongdoing, attacks the victim’s credibility, and claims they are the true victim.

• Gaslighting – Making the victim question their own reality. The narcissist will deny previous conversations, shift blame, or accuse the victim of being overly sensitive or imagining things.

• Silent treatment and emotional withholding – Used to punish the victim and create feelings of insecurity and desperation.

• Triangulation – Bringing in or using other people to manipulate and control the victim - children, family, friends, coworkers.

• Projection and blame-shifting – The narcissist attributes their own negative traits to the victim, making them feel responsible for the abuse.

Because these behaviors do not leave physical evidence, many survivors struggle to articulate their experience or feel their pain is "less valid" than those who experience physical violence. However, the psychological impact of narcissistic abuse is profound and should not be underestimated.

Breaking Free and Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

Recovering from narcissistic abuse involves understanding what happened, reclaiming one’s sense of self, and developing protective strategies. Key steps include:

1. Acknowledging the abuse – Many survivors struggle to accept that they have been abused, especially due to gaslighting. 

2. Education – Learning about narcissistic abuse, emotional manipulation, and its impacts helps survivors gain clarity and break free from self-blame.

3. Protective strategies – Setting firm boundaries, limiting or cutting off contact, and disengaging from manipulative dynamics are crucial for healing.

4. Processing the emotional impact – Therapy can help survivors unpack the effects of long-term emotional abuse, rebuild self-trust, and develop healthier relationship patterns.

Healing is a gradual process, but recognizing the signs of narcissistic abuse is the first step toward regaining autonomy and emotional well-being.

Need Support? Take the Next Step Toward Healing

Recovering from narcissistic abuse can feel isolating and overwhelming, but support and clarity are within reach. I’ll be exploring deeper questions like “Why me?” and “Who do narcissists target?”—examining patterns, attachment styles, and the dynamics of emotional abuse in upcoming articles.

If you're looking for guidance or a space to process your experience, I’m here to help.

Explore my work with survivors here
Schedule a consultation today

Understanding C-PTSD: Symptoms, Triggers, and Healing for Survivors

What Is Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder? Could I have C-PTSD?

Trauma isn’t always about a single, life-altering event like a car crash, natural disaster, or combat. For many, trauma happens repeatedly over time—this is known as chronic trauma. It can take many forms, such as childhood abuse, long-term emotional neglect, or domestic violence. While PTSD is typically linked to a single shocking event, complex PTSD (C-PTSD) develops from prolonged exposure to trauma, particularly in relationships. Over time, it can affect self-worth, emotional regulation, and the way you connect with others.

A lot of people don’t even realize their experiences count as trauma or that they’re still dealing with the effects. You survived—so everything should be fine now, right? But when trauma shapes who you are, it can be tricky to recognize its impact. Unlike PTSD, which can have more obvious signs like flashbacks or nightmares, C-PTSD tends to show up in more subtle but powerful ways:

• People-pleasing behaviors – Constantly prioritizing others' needs over your own.

• Struggles with boundaries – Finding it difficult to say no or recognizing toxic relationships.

• Negative self-talk – Chronic feelings of unworthiness or self-doubt.

• Repeated patterns in relationships – Seeking out or tolerating unhealthy dynamics.

A lot of people with childhood trauma don’t seek help because they don’t want to dig up painful memories. But the truth is, trauma doesn’t always stay in the past—it can pop up at major life moments, like breakups, marriage, or having kids. Major life transitions can be the catalyst that pushes you into recognizing or facing the impact that the past is having on your present. This is the first step towards healing.

PTSD shapes how you react to the world around you; C-PTSD shapes how you see yourself.

The concept of C-PTSD emerged thanks to the groundbreaking work of Dr. Judith Herman, a psychiatrist and trauma researcher. In her 1992 book Trauma and Recovery, she argued that the existing definition of PTSD didn’t fully capture the experiences of individuals who had endured long-term, inescapable trauma—especially trauma that occurred in relationships, such as childhood abuse or domestic violence. Unlike PTSD, which is often rooted in a fear of reliving a single event, C-PTSD profoundly affects a person’s sense of identity, emotional regulation, and relationships.

PTSD vs. C-PTSD: What’s the Difference?

While both PTSD and C-PTSD stem from trauma, C-PTSD is more deeply tied to prolonged, repeated exposure rather than a single traumatic event. Here’s how they differ:

PTSD

• Caused by a single traumatic event (e.g., an accident, natural disaster, or assault).

• Main symptom clusters are :

  • Intrusive memories - include flashbacks, nightmares, unwanted reminders.

  • Avoidance - avoiding people, places or things that may cause an intrusive memory.

  • Hypervigilance - being watchful, on guard, jumpy or easily startled.

  • Negative changes in Mood and Thinking - blaming yourself, sadness, can often look like depression

C-PTSD

• Caused by long-term trauma (e.g., childhood neglect, domestic abuse, repeated emotional abuse).

• Symptoms include all PTSD symptoms plus emotional dysregulation, interpersonal difficulties, and negative self-concept. This can vary between individuals, but may look like :

  • Dysregulation – intense mood swings, overwhelming emotions, or feeling numb.

  • Distorted Self-Perception – chronic shame, guilt, or a feeling of being "broken."

  • Interpersonal Struggles – difficulty trusting others, fear of abandonment, or unhealthy relationship patterns.

  • Dissociation & Memory Gaps – feeling detached from yourself or struggling to recall traumatic events.

  • Negative Beliefs About the Self – feeling unworthy of love, safety, or success.

It's important to remember that PTSD and C-PTSD, although classified as mental health disorders, were ultimately your body’s way of trying to protect you. Your brain adapted to help you survive, whether by heightening your awareness, numbing emotions, or avoiding painful memories. These responses at one time may have been necessary for survival, can become disruptive over time. Recognizing that these patterns were once protective mechanisms, not personal failings, is key to shifting toward healing.

How C-PTSD Changes the Brain

Long-term trauma rewires the brain. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk expanded on these ideas in his book The Body Keeps the Score. He emphasized that trauma isn't just stored as a memory—it physically changes the brain and nervous system. This is why survivors of complex trauma often experience hypervigilance, emotional numbness, or difficulties regulating emotions long after escaping the abusive situation.

Studies show that C-PTSD can cause changes in three key areas:

• Amygdala (Fight-or-Flight Center): Becomes hyperactive, making people more prone to fear responses and emotional reactivity.

• Hippocampus (Memory & Learning): Shrinks in size, making it harder to differentiate past from present trauma.

• Prefrontal Cortex (Logical Thinking & Emotional Regulation): Struggles to keep emotions in check, leading to impulsivity and difficulty managing distress.

This is why healing is more than just "thinking positive"—it involves retraining the brain and nervous system to feel safe again.

Healing from C-PTSD: Steps Toward Recovery

C-PTSD can make it feel like your trauma defines you, but that’s not the case. The effects of long-term abuse and neglect are real—but so is your capacity for resilience and growth. By understanding how prolonged trauma affects the brain you can take steps toward reclaiming your sense of safety, self-worth, and autonomy.

Here’s what can help:

1. Recognizing Your Reactions and That They Make Sense

The first, and for many hardest, step towards recovery is recognizing what the problem is. That means getting deeply familiar with your trauma responses and how your experiences have shaped the way you see yourself and others. By recognizing these responses and how they made sense for you, we can build self-compassion. Self-blame only reinforces the shame that abusers instill.

2. Processing Trauma Safely

• Trauma-Informed Therapy – Survivors need spaces where they feel secure enough to explore painful memories and develop healthier coping strategies. Finding that ‘right fit’ therapist and having a strong foundation of trust allows for deeper emotional processing and the ability to rebuild a sense of safety in the world.

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) – EMDR helps survivors process traumatic memories by using guided eye movements to reduce the intensity of distressing memories. This therapy helps rewire the brain’s response to trauma, allowing individuals to recall past experiences without being overwhelmed by them.

3. Relearning Trust and Boundaries

Many survivors struggle to identify healthy relationships, often feeling drawn to familiar but toxic dynamics. Building self-awareness helps in distinguishing between safe and unsafe relationships, developing self-trust, and making choices that support emotional well-being. Over time, survivors can learn to trust their instincts, set clear boundaries, and cultivate connections that uplift and support them rather than perpetuate cycles of harm.

4. Self-Compassion as a Daily Practice

Healing from trauma isn’t just about processing the past—it’s about learning to extend kindness to yourself in the present. Many survivors carry deep-seated self-criticism and internalized blame, feeling that they should “just get over it” or that they’re somehow flawed for struggling. Practicing self-compassion means recognizing that you are not stuck in the past—you are continuously growing and developing. Just as trauma shaped your responses, healing can reshape them. When you treat yourself with patience and understanding, you create space for new patterns to emerge.

Healing from C-PTSD is possible. By recognizing trauma responses, seeking support, and practicing self-compassion, you can take back control of your life.

If any of this resonates with you and you would like to explore further, you can book a free consultation here.

You can read more about the work I do with people healing from C-PTSD and trauma from relationships here.

ADHD and CPTSD: Trauma, Neurodivergence, and Abusive Relationships (+ Healing Strategies)

Relationships can feel intense, overwhelming, and deeply consuming for women with ADHD. When ADHD-ers find themselves in toxic or abusive relationships, their deep emotional investment, impulsivity, and fear of rejection if often exploited by the abuser. Gaslighting, manipulation, and emotional neglect can be especially damaging when ADHD makes it difficult to recognize unhealthy patterns or set firm boundaries. The result? A painful cycle of trying to "fix" relationships while feeling stuck in blame, leading to exhaustion and shame.

Adding CPTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) to the mix creates even more challenges. Symptoms like emotional dysregulation, hypervigilance, and difficulty trusting others can overlap with ADHD traits. So for those juggling (or suspecting) both diagnoses, it can be hard to tell what stems from trauma and what is part of being neurodivergent. This confusion itself can lead to self-doubt, over-explaining, and staying in harmful relationships longer than is healthy. It’s harder to protect ourselves when we don’t understand ourselves.

If you find yourself caught in cycles of emotional highs and lows, questioning why you stay in relationships that hurt, or wondering whether your intense reactions stem from ADHD or past trauma, it can feel isolating and exhausting. Maybe you replay conversations over and over, trying to figure out if you were overreacting. Maybe you’ve been told you're "too sensitive" or "too much," making you second-guess your instincts. Perhaps you feel drawn to intense relationships but struggle to trust yourself when things start to feel wrong.

These patterns aren’t random—they’re deeply connected to the way ADHD and trauma shape emotional regulation, attachment, and self-perception. By understanding these connections, you can begin to break free from self-blame and build relationships that feel safe, healthy, and aligned with your needs.

Why ADHD Increases Vulnerability to Toxic Relationships

ADHD impacts emotional regulation, attachment styles, and social dynamics, which—when combined with past trauma—can make toxic relationships feel familiar or even "normal." Here’s why:

• Shame & Self-Blame – Many ADHD women grow up hearing they are "too much" or "not enough." This internalized shame can make them more likely to tolerate mistreatment, believing they are the problem.

• Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) & Emotional Intensity – ADHD brains process rejection more intensely, making even minor criticism feel deeply painful. This often leads to people-pleasing, over-apologizing, and tolerating mistreatment in order to avoid rejection.

• Impulsivity & Rushing Into Relationships – ADHD can cause women to dive into intense relationships too quickly, ignoring red flags. This impulsivity can lead to bonding with toxic partners before seeing their true character.

• Hyperfocus on Partners & Codependency – The ADHD brain craves dopamine, and intense relationships can become an all-consuming source of emotional validation. This hyperfocus can make it hard to recognize harmful patterns or set appropriate boundaries.

Additionally, because ADHD in women is often underdiagnosed, many women spend years masking their struggles, doubting their instincts, and feeling misunderstood—making it even harder to recognize when a relationship is unhealthy.

How ADHD & CPTSD Overlap in Emotional Regulation

When ADHD and CPTSD co-exist, the challenges of emotional regulation become even more intense. The two conditions share overlapping traits, making it difficult to separate trauma responses from neurodivergence.

• Hypervigilance & Overanalyzing – CPTSD can cause the brain to be on constant alert for danger, while ADHD amplifies distractibility and emotional awareness, leading to cycles of overthinking and rumination.

• Emotional Flashbacks & Rejection Sensitivity – Past trauma may trigger intense emotional reactions that don’t align with the present situation. ADHD-related RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria) can worsen these reactions, causing spirals of self-doubt and shame.

• Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn Responses – CPTSD heightens survival instincts, which, when mixed with ADHD impulsivity, can lead to self-sabotaging behaviors or staying in harmful situations. Many ADHD women exhibit the fawn response—prioritizing others’ needs at the expense of their own.

• Chronic Overwhelm & Executive Dysfunction – ADHD already makes decision-making and organization challenging. Trauma exacerbates this, making it harder to leave toxic relationships or see healthier alternatives.

By recognizing these patterns, individuals can learn to work with their neurodivergence rather than feeling like it’s something that needs to be "fixed."

Breaking Free: Steps Toward Healing & Self-Empowerment

If you find yourself stuck in unhealthy relationship cycles, the goal isn’t to “heal” ADHD but to understand yourself better and build a life that supports your needs. Here’s how:

• Understand Your ADHD & Trauma Responses – Recognize the difference between impulsive ADHD reactions and trauma-driven behaviors. Learn to slow down these processes and take a breath. Self-awareness is empowering.

• Develop Self-Compassion & Reduce Shame – Reframe internalized beliefs about being "too much" or "not enough." You are not broken. You are worth more than

• Strengthen Boundaries – Practice saying no, recognize when your needs aren’t being met, and set limits in relationships—even if it feels uncomfortable at first.

• Work With Your ADHD Strengths – ADHD brings creativity, hyperfocus, and resilience. Learn to channel these in ways that empower you rather than drain you.

• Find Affirming Support – Seek out therapists or communities that understand neurodiversity and trauma, rather than trying to “fix” you.

With the right strategies, you can build relationships that feel safe, fulfilling, and aligned with your authentic self.

Healing & Moving Forward

Therapy can be incredibly beneficial in helping ADHD individuals with trauma untangle their experiences and regain control over their relationships. Finding the right therapist matters. If you would like to schedule a free consultation here, we can discuss how we can work together, such as by:

• Recognizing how ADHD and trauma interact in your life.

• Developing strategies to manage emotional intensity and impulsivity.

• Learning tools to set and maintain healthy boundaries.

• Rebuilding self-trust after experiencing relational trauma.

ADHD presents challenges, but it also brings creativity, passion, and resilience. You deserve relationships where you feel safe, valued, and understood.

If you’d like to read more about the interactions between neurodivergency and C-PTSD more generally, you can click here.

And you can learn more about the interaction between autism and relational trauma here.

Bottom-Up vs. Top-Down Therapy for Trauma: A Brain-Based Approach to Healing

Trauma therapy has evolved significantly over time, shaped by both psychological theory and advancements in neuroscience. Traditional talk therapy and psychoanalysis, which are top-down approaches, have long been used to help individuals make sense of their trauma through verbal processing. We talk about what happened, we analyze its effects, and make progress through understanding the experience more. However, research has shown that trauma is not just a cognitive experience—it is a full-body event that affects the nervous system, often beyond the reach of rational thought.

Bottom-up therapies work from this understanding, focusing on the body’s response first, rather than relying solely on cognitive processing. Many therapists, myself included, find that blending both top-down and bottom-up techniques creates the most effective healing process.

The Brain Under Trauma: When the Thinking Brain Shuts Down

One big reason cognitive-based therapies sometimes fall short is that trauma literally rewires the brain, making it hard to think clearly when you're in distress. Normally, information enters the brain through the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex (DLPFC), the part of the brain responsible for perspective-taking, problem-solving, decision-making, and impulse control—all the things that help us reflect rationally. But when trauma is triggered, those higher-level functions go offline.

Instead, the brain shifts into more primal survival mode, and thinking becomes way harder. When a traumatic memory or trigger pops up—whether it's from the past or in the present—your body reacts first, and your mind thinks later. As trauma expert Peter Levine puts it, you can't properly process thoughts when your body is telling you that you're standing in front of a tiger.

When trauma activates the body, the amygdala (the brain’s fear center) goes into overdrive, and the autonomic nervous system shifts into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode. This means:

• The prefrontal cortex (our thinking brain) gets suppressed.

• The amygdala (our brain’s alarm system) takes control, making fear and panic stronger.

• The limbic system (emotional brain) dominates, leading to intense emotional and physical reactions.

In the aftermath of trauma, this experience is stored both in our memory and in our body, particularly in sensorimotor patterns—stuff like chronic tension, dissociation, or hypervigilance. This is why sometimes trauma survivors find it hard to control their emotions, feel safe, or think clearly, even when they know they aren’t in danger anymore.

Top-Down Therapy: The Role of Talk Therapy in Trauma Healing

Many of the people I work with want to talk about their trauma. They want to analyze it and understand its impact on them. To be able to move from the sometimes paralyzing impact of trauma to being able to talk about it freely, from a position of strength, is what feels like true trauma recovery for many.

Traditional top-down therapies, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Trauma-Focused CBT (TF-CBT), Psychoanalysis or Narrative Therapy & Written Exposure Therapy can be extremely useful for trauma survivors. These therapies help individuals gain insight, reframe distorted thoughts, and find meaning in their experiences.

These are some of the ways in which these type of therapies work -

• Understanding the Trauma: Top-down approaches typically start by helping the person understand what happened, how it impacts their thinking, and how their perception of the traumatic event may be shaping their current experiences.

• Understanding and Managing Intense Emotions: Trauma often leads to overwhelming emotions, including fear, anger, sadness, or shame. Top-down approaches aim to help individuals identify and process these emotions in a healthy way. This may involve techniques like emotion labeling, mindfulness, and self-compassion.

• Cognitive Restructuring and Cognitive Behavioural Skillbuilding: One of the core components is challenging distorted or unhelpful thoughts that may have developed after trauma (e.g., feelings of guilt, shame, or worthlessness). We can teach specific skills to deal with triggers, stress, and trauma-related thoughts. Techniques like relaxation training, problem-solving, and thought-stopping help people manage their reactions when they are confronted with memories or stressors related to the trauma.

• Exploring Beliefs and Identity: For many trauma survivors, their identity and worldview are altered by their experiences. Top-down treatments help clients process how their sense of self, relationships, and beliefs about the world may have been affected. This can involve exploring themes like trust, safety, power, and self-worth.

• Reframing and Making Meaning of the Trauma: The ultimate goal is often to help create a new narrative around trauma. This means not just acknowledging the pain but also recognizing the strength, resilience, and the ways in which they have learned or grown from the experience. We move the trauma from being the whole story to becoming just part of a person’s life story.

The risk with top-down therapy is that it can sometimes end up as an avoidance strategy instead of a true healing process. Talking about trauma without connecting to the body can create a sense of distance, allowing people to analyze their experiences without fully feeling them. This can lead to emotional detachment, where people focus on understanding the trauma intellectually but avoid facing the deeper pain, fear, or anger that’s still stored in their bodies. By separating the mind from the emotions, the person might discuss the trauma without truly experiencing it. While this can offer clarity, it also prevents the emotional processing needed for real healing, leaving the individual feeling numb or disconnected. Without fully engaging with the emotions involved, the trauma can stay unresolved, hindering true recovery.

Bottom-Up Therapy: Engaging the Body to Heal Trauma

Bottom-up therapies focus on the body's sensations, movement, and nervous system regulation before diving into cognitive processing. These approaches understand that trauma is often stored in the body, particularly in non-verbal, implicit memories that don’t always surface through traditional talking therapies.

Some of the most effective bottom-up therapies include Somatic Experiencing (SE), which helps individuals release trauma by tuning into the body’s awareness and movement; Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), which uses bilateral stimulation to help the brain reprocess traumatic memories while staying connected to the body; Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, which incorporates body movement and posture into the healing process; and Polyvagal Therapy, which focuses on the autonomic nervous system to restore a sense of safety and connection.

By working from the bottom up, these therapies help regulate the nervous system first, creating a safe foundation that allows the brain to process trauma in a more grounded, logical way.

The Power of Combining EMDR with Talk Therapy

While bottom-up therapies are essential for deep trauma healing, they do not replace the need for cognitive integration. This is why I often combine EMDR with talk therapy:

• Talk therapy helps process trauma verbally, gain perspective, and understand patterns.

• EMDR and somatic work help release trauma stored in the nervous system.

However, what’s most important when starting therapy, is to go with what feels most natural. Every person’s trauma response is unique—and this means we may start in different places. Some people may feel ready to dive straight into EMDR, and we might very well end up with deep analysis along the way. Conversely, others may start with traditional talking therapy, only to discover as they progress that talking is only getting them so far, and they want to explore EMDR or other somatic therapies to release it. There’s no "right" order, and therapy doesn’t have to be rigid.

Finding the Right Approach for You

Here are some questions to consider before embarking on therapy for trauma -

When I imagine a successful therapy session, what is happening?

Do I want or feel the need to talk about happening? Would that feel like a relief?

Have I, in the past, analyzed or intellectualized my experiences to avoid feeling?

Do I notice any physical symptoms of trauma, such as tension, disassociation or panic? Are there any hidden symptoms?

Have I felt stuck in talk therapy before, like its just not working?

The key is to work with a therapist who listens deeply to your needs, assesses your comfort level, and supports you through the process. A skilled therapist will know when to gently push you outside your comfort zone, but they will always maintain a sense of safety. I believe therapy should sometimes be a little hard, because that’s where the healing happens. But that challenge needs to occur within a trusting, sensitive relationship that has a strong foundation of safety and mutual respect. Therapy should feel like a partnership, not something that feels fixed or trapped. The goal is to find a path that works best for you and to honor where you’re at in your healing journey.

We can discuss this further and you can see if we are a good fit for therapy by scheduling a free consultation here.

If you would like to learn more about how I like to integrate EMDR and talk therapy you can read more here.

Healing is not just about understanding trauma—it’s about experiencing safety again, in both the brain and body.

Autism and CPTSD: Toxic Relationships, Trauma, and Neurodivergency

Being autistic in a world that often misunderstands and invalidates you is already challenging—but when you add relational trauma or domestic violence into the mix, things become even more complex. Many autistic women experience deep, confusing pain in relationships, often not realizing until much later that they were in unhealthy or abusive dynamics.

For those with Complex PTSD (CPTSD), the symptoms can look strikingly similar to autism—emotional dysregulation, sensory overwhelm, social struggles, dissociation. Some people are autistic, some have CPTSD, and some have both. Untangling what comes from where is complicated, especially for those newly diagnosed.

Looking back on past relationships, you might wonder: Did I struggle because I was autistic? Because I was traumatized? Did my trauma make my autistic traits more pronounced? These questions can feel overwhelming, but they are an important part of self-discovery. Understanding the interplay between autism and CPTSD can help you make sense of your past, recognize patterns in relationships, and begin the process of healing.

Why Are Autistic Women More Vulnerable to Intimate Partner Violence?

Many autistic women find themselves in toxic or abusive relationships without fully recognizing how or why. It’s important to recognise that everyone is vulnerable to abuse in relationships in some way, that is why it is so common. But there are traits within autism that may increase this vulnerability and make abuse harder to recognize. In my practice these are the themes that I have seen across many clients:

• Intense Emotional Investment in Relationships: Autistic individuals often form deep emotional bonds, particular where there have been challenges in forming and maintaining relationships in the past. Like everyone, we are looking for connection, and when that is offered we tend to jump in wholeheartedly and earnestly. But this may then lead to struggles to recognize when a relationship has turned unhealthy or unsafe.

• Challenges with Recognizing Manipulation: Difficulty interpreting social cues can make it harder to detect subtle forms of coercion, emotional abuse, or gaslighting. When the whole world feels like it’s operating on a different rulebook, how can we pick apart the ‘relationship’ rulebook?

• Sensory and Emotional Overwhelm: Heightened sensitivity can make it harder to navigate conflict, leading to shutdowns or enduring mistreatment just to maintain stability. Meltdowns are weaponized - abusers pushing you to the edge of your comfort for their own gain, then turning your reactions against you because it was you who overreacted.

• Difficulty Enforcing Boundaries: Fear of confrontation, misunderstanding social expectations, or a history of rejection can make setting and maintaining boundaries more difficult.

When Trauma Mimics Autism: The Overlap Between CPTSD and Neurodivergence

One of the most confusing parts of navigating autism and CPTSD is that trauma symptoms can look a lot like autistic traits. Some overlapping experiences include:

• Sensory Sensitivities: CPTSD can heighten the nervous system’s response to stimuli, making sounds, lights, and touch feel overwhelming—something that many autistic individuals already struggle with.

• Emotional Dysregulation: Both autism and CPTSD can cause intense emotional reactions, difficulty self-soothing, and an increased fight/flight/freeze response.

• Social Withdrawal: Many trauma survivors become more isolated over time, avoiding social interactions due to hypervigilance, distrust, or overwhelm—similar to autistic shutdowns and social exhaustion.

• Dissociation and Shutdowns: Autistic individuals and trauma survivors both experience dissociation as a response to stress, often retreating inward or emotionally disconnecting in moments of distress.

Because of these overlaps, many autistic women struggle to understand which parts of their experience are rooted in their neurodivergence and which are responses to trauma. If you have both autism and CPTSD, your reactions may be even more layered and difficult to decipher.

The Interaction Between Autism and CPTSD in Toxic Relationships

The combination of autism and CPTSD can create a cycle that keeps women stuck in unhealthy relationships.

• Masking Trauma Responses: Just as autistic women mask their autistic traits, they may also mask their trauma, convincing themselves that things “aren’t that bad” or that they just need to try harder to be a better partner. If you default to feeling that your reactions are the problem (because that’s what society has taught you) then it may feel reflexive to just doubledown in your efforts to suppress and hide them.

• Hypervigilance and Shutdowns: CPTSD can make someone hyper-aware of potential danger, but autism can cause them to shut down instead of responding actively to red flags. Functional freeze or the freeze/collapse response to trauma may be more common in autistic persons. This can leave them feeling stuck in unhealthy dynamics.

• Struggles with Boundaries: Many autistic women struggle with setting or enforcing boundaries, either because they don’t recognize when they are being violated or because they fear the social consequences of saying no. CPTSD too often shows up as chronic self doubt. Am I right? Am I wrong? What should I do next?

• Attachment and Dependency: Autistic individuals often form deep, intense bonds and struggle with change, making it harder to leave even when a relationship is harmful. Abusers can leverage any vulnerability you show, wanting to serve as ‘the only one who understands you’ or your ‘translator’ for the outside world.

For those who are newly diagnosed or suspect you are autistic, reflecting on past relationships can be both validating and confusing. You may realize that what you once blamed yourself for—being "too sensitive," "too intense," or "too naive"—was actually a result of your neurodivergence or a trauma response. This realization can be painful, but it can also be the first step toward healing and self-compassion.

Breaking the Cycle: Healing and Finding Yourself Again after Abuse

In the aftermath of an unhealthy relationship, we find ourselves with two tasks - first, is safety, we want to find ways to to protect ourselves from it happening again, and synthesizing lessons learnt. Secondly, is the existential task of making meaning of our experience, ‘how did it change me? what made me vulnerable? who was I then and who am I now?

Some ways to start this journey include:

• Exploring Your Identity Without Judgment: It’s okay if you don’t know where autism ends and trauma begins. Therapy, self-reflection, and community support can help you explore your authentic self.

• Learning to Recognize and Trust Your Instincts: Rebuilding self-trust after trauma is hard, but small steps—like honoring your feelings and practicing saying no—can make a difference.

• Finding Support That Understands Neurodivergency and Trauma: Not all therapy approaches work for autistic individuals. Seeking neurodivergent-affirming, trauma-informed support can help you process your experiences without forcing you to conform to neurotypical expectations.

Seeking Support?

If you're looking for a therapist who understands the unique challenges of neurodivergent survivors of relational trauma, consider reaching out for support. You can contact me and we can discuss what it would look like to work together here, or schedule a free consultation at the link below.

Why EMDR Intensives Make Sense for Survivors of Domestic Violence and Emotional Abuse

EMDR Intensives: A Fast-Track to Healing from Relational Trauma

Relational trauma—whether from domestic violence, emotional abuse, or other toxic relationship dynamics—can become deeply embedded within us. For many, this leads to symptoms of Complex PTSD (CPTSD) or persistent patterns of distress that impact self-worth, relationships, and daily life. These experiences shape our beliefs about ourselves and the world, often in ways that keep us stuck in cycles of fear, self-doubt, or hypervigilance.

While weekly therapy can be incredibly beneficial, survivors often find themselves 'holding back the tide' of pain, managing daily stressors without ever truly breaking free. EMDR intensives offer an alternative—a way to address deep-rooted trauma in a focused, transformative way, allowing for lasting change rather than just week-to-week coping.

There are also what I call ‘sweet-spots’ in your healing journey - those moments when you have the capacity and the desire to reflect on your experiences. In the aftermath of a relationship, after divorce, break-up, death, or any other natural transition in life, there is a small moment of peace where we can reflect. When we fail to maximize on this time, it gets lost as life sweeps us away. Our negative intrinsic beliefs about ourselves and the patterns we carry kick back into action.

Understanding EMDR and Why a Bottom-Up Approach is Important

Traditional talk therapy often works in a 'top-down' way, engaging logic and reasoning to process emotional wounds. Let’s talk about what happened to understand it. However, relational trauma is deeply stored in the nervous system. Survivors of emotional abuse or domestic violence often know their past experiences were damaging, but that awareness alone doesn’t always stop the trauma from affecting their emotions, relationships, and daily life. Sometimes we can avoid truly healing and feeling our pain by the intellectual exercise of talk therapy.

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a 'bottom-up' therapy, meaning it engages the brain and body in reprocessing traumatic memories at their root. Instead of merely talking about what happened, EMDR helps shift how those experiences feel—reducing distress, altering negative beliefs, and freeing you from patterns that no longer serve you.

EMDR intensives take this a step further by condensing months of healing into just a few days, allowing you to process trauma in a more cohesive and structured way, making the most of that ‘sweet spot’ when you have the time, capacity, and desire to heal.

The Pain of Feeling Stuck—and How EMDR Intensives Help

Many survivors of relational trauma experience therapy as an ongoing battle—feeling like they’re just managing symptoms rather than truly healing. Many find themselves entering into other toxic relationships, as patterns repeat. Common struggles include:

• Feeling stuck in survival mode: Anxiety, hypervigilance, and emotional overwhelm can make it hard to move forward.

• Struggling with negative self-beliefs: Messages learned through trauma ('I’m not good enough,' 'I’m unlovable,' 'I can’t trust anyone') linger long after the relationship ends.

• Coping instead of thriving: Weekly therapy helps, but progress feels slow, and you’re still battling the same pain week after week.

• Wanting change but fearing the process: The idea of confronting trauma can be daunting, leading to hesitancy about investing in deeper work.

An EMDR intensive is designed to break through these roadblocks. Instead of spreading out therapy in small weekly increments, an intensive offers:

• A focused approach to resolving trauma-related beliefs and triggers.

• Deeper reprocessing, addressing not just isolated events but the entire chain of impacts your trauma has had.

• The ability to move beyond 'coping' into actual transformation—increasing self-trust, reducing distress, and gaining clarity on your healing journey.

Why an Intensive? The Investment in Your Healing

One of the biggest concerns people have about EMDR intensives is the cost. There’s no way around it—an intensive is a financial investment. However, when compared to the cost of ongoing weekly therapy, it can actually be a more cost-effective path to healing.

A single EMDR intensive can replicate what might take a year or more of traditional therapy. The focused, uninterrupted nature of intensives allows for more substantial progress, often making it a faster and more efficient way to heal. Many clients find that instead of paying for weekly sessions that keep them managing symptoms or the crisis of the week, an intensive allows them to move past trauma and require less therapy overall.

Who is Not a Good Fit for EMDR Intensives?

EMDR intensives are a powerful healing tool, but they aren’t right for everyone. You may not be a good fit if:

• You are currently in an ongoing crisis or actively experiencing domestic violence.

• You are struggling with severe dissociation, psychosis, addictions, or active suicidal thoughts.

• You are not ready to invest in deep work—EMDR intensives require commitment and emotional resilience.

Intensives work best when you are at a place in your healing journey where you are ready to confront and shift old patterns. If you’re unsure, we can discuss whether an intensive or a different therapeutic approach is best for you.

What to Expect in an EMDR Intensive

An intensive condenses therapy into a shorter period, allowing for structured and effective work. By tackling processing in larger chunks of time, we minimize distractions, and transition time. In normal therapy, those ten minutes you spend getting settled and warming up into a session and the five minutes at the end talking about scheduling add up over time. With an intensive format, we lay the ground work to get in the zone quickly, stay there, and make the most out of the time.

My EMDR intensive programs include:

• Pre-Intensive Prep: A 60-minute consultation to assess your needs, introduce grounding techniques, develop a sense of safety, and set clear goals.

• Intensive Sessions (3 or 5 Days): 10 or 15 hours of one-on-one therapy, using EMDR, somatic practices, and parts work to reprocess trauma.

• Post-Intensive Follow-Up: A 60-minute check-in one week or so later to assess progress and provide additional support.

Making the Choice to Heal

Healing from relational trauma isn’t about just getting through another week—it’s about reclaiming your sense of self, breaking free from painful cycles, and moving forward with confidence.

You can learn more about my EMDR intensive program here. If you’re ready to take the next step, schedule a free consultation to learn more about whether an intensive is right for you.

Unraveling the Past: Neurodivergency and the Complexity of Abuse in Relationships

A late diagnosis of autism or ADHD can feel like a revelation—finally, an explanation for why life has felt different, why certain struggles have persisted, and why relationships have often been confusing or painful. But alongside these answers, new questions emerge. This is particular true for those who have suffered abuse. Looking back, we begin to wonder: Is that neurodivergency, or is that a trauma response? Did my past experiences shape me, or was I always this way? How did neurodivergency play a role in my relationships? How much of myself have I hidden just to survive?

As a survivor learning more about neurodivergency, and complex trauma, more questions are raised. Untangling the impact of past relationships, self-perception, and identity can be incredibly complex.

Why Neurodivergent Women* Are More Vulnerable to Relational Trauma

Many neurodivergent women experience a pattern of difficult, confusing, or even abusive relationships. The reasons for this are layered but often include:

• Masking as Survival – Many autistic and ADHD women learn early on that their natural ways of being—whether that’s intense emotions, sensory sensitivities, or social misunderstandings—are not always welcomed or accepted. They develop the ability to mask, to blend in, to become what others expect. This survival strategy can extend to relationships, leading women to mold themselves to fit a partner’s needs, suppress their own discomfort, and ignore red flags.

• Difficulty Recognizing Red Flags – Many neurodivergent women take people at their word, may struggle with social nuance, or miss the slow, insidious nature of manipulation and control. Everyone is susceptible to an abuser, but gaslighting can be particularly effective against those who have already spent their lives questioning their own reactions and emotions.

• Emotional Dysregulation and Trauma Responses – Emotional intensity, rejection sensitivity, and difficulty self-regulating can create a cycle where small conflicts escalate into deep wounds, making it harder to feel safe in relationships. Feeling unsafe can sometimes be ‘normal’, and for those with a trauma history, hypervigilance can make it difficult to distinguish between a real threat and past wounds resurfacing.

• Attachment Wounds and Fear of Abandonment – Many neurodivergent women have experienced rejection or bullying in childhood. Trauma and shame often runs deep. As adults, they may tolerate unhealthy dynamics out of a deep fear of being alone, believing they must accept what they can get rather than risk isolation. Living a life believing that your experiences are ‘your fault’ creates an opening for an abuser to take advantage.

Looking Back: Was It Abuse, Neurodivergency, or both?

A diagnosis is often a relief. It provides context and clarity and can often explain so much. But a late diagnosis will often prompt a retrospective (and often painful) review of life events. We begin to examine past experiences and relationships with fresh eyes, asking:

• Was I struggling in that relationship because of my neurodivergency, or was it toxic?

• Was I misunderstood, or was I truly at fault?

• How much of my trauma was caused by being neurodivergent in a world that didn’t understand me?

• Have I been in survival mode for so long that I don’t even know who I really am?

Oftentimes there is not a simple answer. And processing them takes time. When we see ourselves clearly—beyond just the trauma, beyond just the diagnosis—we can begin to understand our patterns and break cycles that no longer serve us.

Healing and Reclaiming Identity

If you find yourself untangling these questions, know that it’s okay to not have all the answers yet. Healing is not about immediately resolving every conflict within yourself but rather about allowing space to explore, grieve, and rediscover who you are beneath the layers of trauma and masking.

Here are some ways to begin this journey:

• Give Yourself Permission to Unmask – Learning to recognize your own needs, limits, and sensory preferences is a powerful first step in reclaiming your identity. It allows you to begin to trust yourself, and your instincts, and surround yourself by people you trust.

• Explore Your Relationship Patterns – Understanding past dynamics can help you recognize what is healthy and what is not in current and future relationships.

• Develop Self-Compassion – It’s easy to look back with regret or self-blame, but remembering that you were doing your best with the knowledge and tools you had at the time is essential for healing.

• Seek Support in a Safe Space – Therapy or counseling with a neurodivergent-affirming and trauma-informed approach can provide guidance in this exploration.

What next?

If you’ve recently been diagnosed or suspect you may be neurodivergent, understanding the power of this self-discovery process is important. It is not just about who you are, but how that has impacted your experiences. The intersection of neurodivergency and relational trauma is complex, but in exploring this complexity lies the possibility for healing, growth, and a deeper sense of self-understanding.

If this is something that you would like to explore further, you can schedule a free 15 minute consultation to discuss here.

You can read more about the work I do with identity exploration here and in the space between neurodiversity and domestic violence and other relational trauma here.

I also plan to write more about the overlaps between ADHD, autism, and CPTSD and how to tease them apart, particularly relating to intimate relationships and abuse. Stay tuned!

*A Note on Language:
I use the term "neurodivergent women" in this post because this is where much of my professional experience lies. So many of the experiences I talk about are shaped by the way society treats and conditions women and girls. That said, I know that neurodivergence and gender don’t fit into neat boxes, so even if you don’t connect with the term “woman,” I hope you still find something helpful here.

I also choose to use identity-first language (like “neurodivergent person” instead of “person with neurodivergence”) since many people consider a diagnosis of any form of neurodivergence isn’t just something you have—it’s part of who you are. While some people prefer person-first language, I use the wording that feels most affirming to the community I work with.

Therapy for Abuse Survivors: Breaking Barriers and Finding Healing

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please prioritize safety. Call 911 or your local emergency number. You can also reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit their website at www.thehotline.org. They provide confidential support 24/7 and can help you create a safety plan or find local resources.

Deciding to start therapy or begin a healing journey after surviving abuse or domestic violence is a big step and there are many hurdles along the way. You might wrestle with feelings of shame, guilt, or fear—or wonder even if your experiences “count” as something therapy can help with. It’s easy to feel stuck, especially when these complex emotions cloud your ability to seek help.

Here’s the truth: you’re not alone, and your pain matters. So many survivors feel the same hesitation and doubt about starting therapy, but healing is possible—and therapy can be a powerful tool to help you get there. In this post, we’ll dive into common reasons survivors hesitate to seek therapy and show how therapy can help break down those barriers.

Fear of Not Being Understood in Therapy

Opening up about abuse is deeply personal, and the thought of being judged, doubted, or misunderstood can feel unbearable. You might wonder: Will she really get it? Will she believe me? Perhaps you've shared parts of your story before and been met with skepticism, blame, or outright dismissal (even from loved ones and people who care about us) —responses that subtly communicate that your pain is less valid, less important. Society, culture, and the media, spreading harmful myths and stereotypes, often minimizes or ignores the experiences of survivors, making it harder to trust that your pain is real and worthy of attention.

This fear makes complete sense. Survivors often internalize the dismissiveness they've encountered from people in their lives and from a culture that tends to downplay or make light of the impact of abuse. Over time, that internalized doubt can make it even harder to speak out again.

How Therapy Helps:

A therapist who works specifically with survivors has faced these fears alongside clients before. Unlike everyday conversations where people may not know how to respond or may unintentionally invalidate your experience, therapists are trained to listen with deep empathy and provide a space that’s free of judgment. Opening up about abuse isn’t just about saying what happened—it’s about acknowledging and processing the emotional, psychological, and physical toll it has taken on you.

Facing that fear and slowly beginning to express emotions that may feel too overwhelming or complex to share with others is one of the key tools of healing. Therapy provides you with a space to explore and reframe the internalized beliefs that abuse often leaves behind. A good therapist helps you separate the effects of the abuse from your own sense of self-worth, guiding you through tools and strategies that rebuild your confidence and resilience.

Minimizing Your Abuse: Therapy Can Help You Validate Your Pain

“It wasn’t that bad.”
“Other people have been through worse.”
“Maybe I’m overreacting.”

Sound familiar? Survivors often downplay their experiences as a way to cope or because they’ve been told it’s “not a big deal.” But here’s the thing: abuse is not just about bruises or violence. Emotional manipulation, control, and neglect are all forms of abuse, and they leave lasting scars. The messages from society, family, friends, and even the abuser, often echo in our minds: “It wasn’t that serious.” “You should be stronger.” “Other people have it worse.” These messages can perpetuate the cycle of self-doubt, causing survivors to question the legitimacy of their own pain. But what you experienced—whether it involved physical violence or subtle emotional manipulation—is real, valid, and deserving of care.

Minimization doesn’t just come from the outside world, either. It can come from within, as well. We may convince ourselves that the abuse wasn’t that bad, or that it didn’t really happen, as a way of protecting ourselves from the overwhelming pain. In these moments, we try to create a reality that feels safer, even if it’s distorted. This coping mechanism, though protective in the short term, can ultimately undermine our ability to trust ourselves and our instincts. Over time, minimizing the abuse can make it harder to recognize what we’ve truly endured—and even harder to ask for help.

How Therapy Helps:

Therapy helps you validate your feelings and recognize that your pain is real, no matter the circumstances or the messages you’ve internalized. Acknowledging the hurt and pain other people have caused you is in itself a big step.

In therapy we may gently try to reframe your perspective: “If a friend told you this happened to them, how would you respond?” This simple exercise can be incredibly powerful, allowing you to see your experience from the perspective of compassion and empathy, rather than self-blame. It helps you understand that, if this happened to someone you loved, you would never downplay or invalidate their pain—and the same compassion should be extended to yourself.

Through therapy, you begin to recognize that the story you’ve been telling yourself—about being too sensitive, overreacting, or not deserving of help—was never the truth. By giving yourself permission to feel and acknowledge the full weight of what happened, you can start to heal the emotional scars that have been buried under layers of minimization.

Recognizing your story as valid is the first step toward healing—and therapy provides the tools to get there.

Letting Go of Shame as an Abuse Survivor

Shame is one of the heaviest emotions survivors carry. It can settle deeply in your body and mind, casting a long shadow over your ability to see yourself clearly. Society often perpetuates the harmful idea that victims of abuse are somehow responsible for what happens to them—that they should have known better, acted differently, or “done something” to prevent it. This misconception is rooted in harmful stereotypes and victim-blaming narratives that leave survivors feeling isolated, ashamed, and unworthy of support.

Shame can be paralyzing. It convinces you that seeking help will expose your “flaws” or “failures,” further deepening the belief that you’re unworthy of love, care, or understanding. It keeps you stuck in a cycle of silence and self-judgment, preventing you from asking for the support you need to heal.

How Therapy Helps:
Therapy flips the script on shame. Through compassionate conversations, a therapist can help you untangle the deeply rooted beliefs that keep you locked in a cycle of shame. They will validate your pain and help you recognize that the abuse was the result of the abuser’s choices—not yours.

You are not your abuse. Your worth is not tied to what you have lived through. You are more than your experiences. Therapy also helps you challenge the internalized shame that keeps you feeling “broken” or “weak.” Over time, you’ll begin to see yourself as resilient, not as someone who failed, but as someone who survived—someone who has the strength to heal and rebuild their life on their own terms.

Therapy can help you reclaim your story.

Denial and Repression: How Therapy Helps Uncover Hidden Emotions

When we experience trauma, the brain often steps in to protect us from the overwhelming emotional pain. Sometimes, this protection takes the form of repression, where memories or feelings are pushed deep down, and you may not even realize the extent of what happened because the emotions are buried beneath the surface. Other times, denial plays a more conscious role, convincing yourself that “it wasn’t that bad” or that you're “overreacting” as a way to avoid the emotional weight of the situation.

The tools we use to protect ourselves in the short-term can do lasting damage in the long-term. Over time, these mechanisms can block the healing process, preventing you from fully processing what happened. The more you repress or deny, the more difficult it becomes to acknowledge your pain and start the healing journey.

How Therapy Helps:
Therapy can help you name your experiences. By talking with someone who has experience in the different ways that abuse can show up in a relationship, you can learn to better identify abuse and then work on the ways in which it has impacted you.

Through this process, many survivors discover that facing the truth—though incredibly hard—brings a profound sense of relief and freedom. One of the great psychiatrists and educators of our time, Dan Siegel, uses the phrase “name it to tame it.” Clarity is crucial for healing: recognizing the abuse for what it was helps you to rebuild trust in your instincts and self-worth, rather than questioning or invalidating your experience.

This clarity can be transformative. It allows you to rebuild trust in your instincts and take steps to protect yourself in the future. Therapy isn’t just about looking back—it’s about moving forward with confidence and clarity.

Take Steps Toward Healing

If any of this feels familiar, you’re not alone. Healing from abuse is a journey, and therapy can be a powerful tool to help you navigate it. Whether you’re struggling with shame, guilt, or just figuring out where to start, therapy offers a safe space to explore your feelings.

To support you, schedule a free 15-minute consultation to help you decide if therapy feels right for you. Let’s chat about what you’re looking for and how I can help.

If you’re looking for more resources, you can read more here or these books are a great place to start:

• Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft

• Should I Stay or Should I Go? by Ramani Durvasula

Healing starts with one small step. Whether it’s reaching out for help, reading a book, or scheduling that first therapy session, you’re already moving forward.

You’re stronger than you realize—and you don’t have to do this alone.