Bottom-Up vs. Top-Down Therapy for Trauma: A Brain-Based Approach to Healing
Trauma therapy has evolved significantly over time, shaped by both psychological theory and advancements in neuroscience. Traditional talk therapy and psychoanalysis, which are top-down approaches, have long been used to help individuals make sense of their trauma through verbal processing. We talk about what happened, we analyze its effects, and make progress through understanding the experience more. However, research has shown that trauma is not just a cognitive experience—it is a full-body event that affects the nervous system, often beyond the reach of rational thought.
Bottom-up therapies work from this understanding, focusing on the body’s response first, rather than relying solely on cognitive processing. Many therapists, myself included, find that blending both top-down and bottom-up techniques creates the most effective healing process.
The Brain Under Trauma: When the Thinking Brain Shuts Down
One big reason cognitive-based therapies sometimes fall short is that trauma literally rewires the brain, making it hard to think clearly when you're in distress. Normally, information enters the brain through the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex (DLPFC), the part of the brain responsible for perspective-taking, problem-solving, decision-making, and impulse control—all the things that help us reflect rationally. But when trauma is triggered, those higher-level functions go offline.
Instead, the brain shifts into more primal survival mode, and thinking becomes way harder. When a traumatic memory or trigger pops up—whether it's from the past or in the present—your body reacts first, and your mind thinks later. As trauma expert Peter Levine puts it, you can't properly process thoughts when your body is telling you that you're standing in front of a tiger.
When trauma activates the body, the amygdala (the brain’s fear center) goes into overdrive, and the autonomic nervous system shifts into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode. This means:
The prefrontal cortex (our thinking brain) gets suppressed.
The amygdala (our brain’s alarm system) takes control, making fear and panic stronger.
The limbic system (emotional brain) dominates, leading to intense emotional and physical reactions.
In the aftermath of trauma, this experience is stored both in our memory and in our body, particularly in sensorimotor patterns—stuff like chronic tension, dissociation, or hypervigilance. This is why sometimes trauma survivors find it hard to control their emotions, feel safe, or think clearly, even when they know they aren’t in danger anymore.
Top-Down Therapy: The Role of Talk Therapy in Trauma Healing
Many of the people I work with want to talk about their trauma. They want to analyze it and understand its impact on them. To be able to move from the sometimes paralyzing impact of trauma to being able to talk about it freely, from a position of strength, is what feels like true trauma recovery for many.
Traditional top-down therapies, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Trauma-Focused CBT (TF-CBT), Psychoanalysis or Narrative Therapy & Written Exposure Therapy can be extremely useful for trauma survivors. These therapies help individuals gain insight, reframe distorted thoughts, and find meaning in their experiences.
These are some of the ways in which these type of therapies work -
Understanding the Trauma: Top-down approaches typically start by helping the person understand what happened, how it impacts their thinking, and how their perception of the traumatic event may be shaping their current experiences.
Understanding and Managing Intense Emotions: Trauma often leads to overwhelming emotions, including fear, anger, sadness, or shame. Top-down approaches aim to help individuals identify and process these emotions in a healthy way. This may involve techniques like emotion labeling, mindfulness, and self-compassion.
Cognitive Restructuring and Cognitive Behavioural Skillbuilding: One of the core components is challenging distorted or unhelpful thoughts that may have developed after trauma (e.g., feelings of guilt, shame, or worthlessness). We can teach specific skills to deal with triggers, stress, and trauma-related thoughts. Techniques like relaxation training, problem-solving, and thought-stopping help people manage their reactions when they are confronted with memories or stressors related to the trauma.
Exploring Beliefs and Identity: For many trauma survivors, their identity and worldview are altered by their experiences. Top-down treatments help clients process how their sense of self, relationships, and beliefs about the world may have been affected. This can involve exploring themes like trust, safety, power, and self-worth.
Reframing and Making Meaning of the Trauma: The ultimate goal is often to help create a new narrative around trauma. This means not just acknowledging the pain but also recognizing the strength, resilience, and the ways in which they have learned or grown from the experience. We move the trauma from being the whole story to becoming just part of a person’s life story.
The risk with top-down therapy is that it can sometimes end up as an avoidance strategy instead of a true healing process. Talking about trauma without connecting to the body can create a sense of distance, allowing people to analyze their experiences without fully feeling them. This can lead to emotional detachment, where people focus on understanding the trauma intellectually but avoid facing the deeper pain, fear, or anger that’s still stored in their bodies. By separating the mind from the emotions, the person might discuss the trauma without truly experiencing it. While this can offer clarity, it also prevents the emotional processing needed for real healing, leaving the individual feeling numb or disconnected. Without fully engaging with the emotions involved, the trauma can stay unresolved, hindering true recovery.
Bottom-Up Therapy: Engaging the Body to Heal Trauma
Bottom-up therapies focus on the body's sensations, movement, and nervous system regulation before diving into cognitive processing. These approaches understand that trauma is often stored in the body, particularly in non-verbal, implicit memories that don’t always surface through traditional talking therapies.
Some of the most effective bottom-up therapies include Somatic Experiencing (SE), which helps individuals release trauma by tuning into the body’s awareness and movement; Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), which uses bilateral stimulation to help the brain reprocess traumatic memories while staying connected to the body; Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, which incorporates body movement and posture into the healing process; and Polyvagal Therapy, which focuses on the autonomic nervous system to restore a sense of safety and connection.
By working from the bottom up, these therapies help regulate the nervous system first, creating a safe foundation that allows the brain to process trauma in a more grounded, logical way.
The Power of Combining EMDR with Talk Therapy
While bottom-up therapies are essential for deep trauma healing, they do not replace the need for cognitive integration. This is why I often combine EMDR with talk therapy:
Talk therapy helps process trauma verbally, gain perspective, and understand patterns.
EMDR and somatic work help release trauma stored in the nervous system.
However, what’s most important when starting therapy, is to go with what feels most natural. Every person’s trauma response is unique—and this means we may start in different places. Some people may feel ready to dive straight into EMDR, and we might very well end up with deep analysis along the way. Conversely, others may start with traditional talking therapy, only to discover as they progress that talking is only getting them so far, and they want to explore EMDR or other somatic therapies to release it. There’s no "right" order, and therapy doesn’t have to be rigid.
Finding the Right Approach for You
Here are some questions to consider before embarking on therapy for trauma -
When I imagine a successful therapy session, what is happening?
Do I want or feel the need to talk about happening? Would that feel like a relief?
Have I, in the past, analyzed or intellectualized my experiences to avoid feeling?
Do I notice any physical symptoms of trauma, such as tension, disassociation or panic? Are there any hidden symptoms?
Have I felt stuck in talk therapy before, like its just not working?
The key is to work with a therapist who listens deeply to your needs, assesses your comfort level, and supports you through the process. A skilled therapist will know when to gently push you outside your comfort zone, but they will always maintain a sense of safety. I believe therapy should sometimes be a little hard, because that’s where the healing happens. But that challenge needs to occur within a trusting, sensitive relationship that has a strong foundation of safety and mutual respect. Therapy should feel like a partnership, not something that feels fixed or trapped. The goal is to find a path that works best for you and to honor where you’re at in your healing journey.
We can discuss this further and you can see if we are a good fit for therapy by scheduling a free consultation here.
If you would like to learn more about how I like to integrate EMDR and talk therapy you can read more here.
Healing is not just about understanding trauma—it’s about experiencing safety again, in both the brain and body.
Autism and CPTSD: Toxic Relationships, Trauma, and Neurodivergency
Being autistic in a world that often misunderstands and invalidates you is already challenging—but when you add relational trauma or domestic violence into the mix, things become even more complex. Many autistic women experience deep, confusing pain in relationships, often not realizing until much later that they were in unhealthy or abusive dynamics.
For those with Complex PTSD (CPTSD), the symptoms can look strikingly similar to autism—emotional dysregulation, sensory overwhelm, social struggles, dissociation. Some people are autistic, some have CPTSD, and some have both. Untangling what comes from where is complicated, especially for those newly diagnosed.
Looking back on past relationships, you might wonder: Did I struggle because I was autistic? Because I was traumatized? Did my trauma make my autistic traits more pronounced? These questions can feel overwhelming, but they are an important part of self-discovery. Understanding the interplay between autism and CPTSD can help you make sense of your past, recognize patterns in relationships, and begin the process of healing.
Why Are Autistic Women More Vulnerable to Intimate Partner Violence?
Many autistic women find themselves in toxic or abusive relationships without fully recognizing how or why. It’s important to recognise that everyone is vulnerable to abuse in relationships in some way, that is why it is so common. But there are traits within autism that may increase this vulnerability and make abuse harder to recognize. In my practice these are the themes that I have seen across many clients:
Intense Emotional Investment in Relationships: Autistic individuals often form deep emotional bonds, particular where there have been challenges in forming and maintaining relationships in the past. Like everyone, we are looking for connection, and when that is offered we tend to jump in wholeheartedly and earnestly. But this may then lead to struggles to recognize when a relationship has turned unhealthy or unsafe.
Challenges with Recognizing Manipulation: Difficulty interpreting social cues can make it harder to detect subtle forms of coercion, emotional abuse, or gaslighting. When the whole world feels like it’s operating on a different rulebook, how can we pick apart the ‘relationship’ rulebook?
Sensory and Emotional Overwhelm: Heightened sensitivity can make it harder to navigate conflict, leading to shutdowns or enduring mistreatment just to maintain stability. Meltdowns are weaponized - abusers pushing you to the edge of your comfort for their own gain, then turning your reactions against you because it was you who overreacted.
Difficulty Enforcing Boundaries: Fear of confrontation, misunderstanding social expectations, or a history of rejection can make setting and maintaining boundaries more difficult.
When Trauma Mimics Autism: The Overlap Between CPTSD and Neurodivergence
One of the most confusing parts of navigating autism and CPTSD is that trauma symptoms can look a lot like autistic traits. Some overlapping experiences include:
Sensory Sensitivities: CPTSD can heighten the nervous system’s response to stimuli, making sounds, lights, and touch feel overwhelming—something that many autistic individuals already struggle with.
Emotional Dysregulation: Both autism and CPTSD can cause intense emotional reactions, difficulty self-soothing, and an increased fight/flight/freeze response.
Social Withdrawal: Many trauma survivors become more isolated over time, avoiding social interactions due to hypervigilance, distrust, or overwhelm—similar to autistic shutdowns and social exhaustion.
Dissociation and Shutdowns: Autistic individuals and trauma survivors both experience dissociation as a response to stress, often retreating inward or emotionally disconnecting in moments of distress.
Because of these overlaps, many autistic women struggle to understand which parts of their experience are rooted in their neurodivergence and which are responses to trauma. If you have both autism and CPTSD, your reactions may be even more layered and difficult to decipher.
The Interaction Between Autism and CPTSD in Toxic Relationships
The combination of autism and CPTSD can create a cycle that keeps women stuck in unhealthy relationships.
Masking Trauma Responses: Just as autistic women mask their autistic traits, they may also mask their trauma, convincing themselves that things “aren’t that bad” or that they just need to try harder to be a better partner. If you default to feeling that your reactions are the problem (because that’s what society has taught you) then it may feel reflexive to just doubledown in your efforts to suppress and hide them.
Hypervigilance and Shutdowns: CPTSD can make someone hyper-aware of potential danger, but autism can cause them to shut down instead of responding actively to red flags. Functional freeze or the freeze/collapse response to trauma may be more common in autistic persons. This can leave them feeling stuck in unhealthy dynamics.
Struggles with Boundaries: Many autistic women struggle with setting or enforcing boundaries, either because they don’t recognize when they are being violated or because they fear the social consequences of saying no. CPTSD too often shows up as chronic self doubt. Am I right? Am I wrong? What should I do next?
Attachment and Dependency: Autistic individuals often form deep, intense bonds and struggle with change, making it harder to leave even when a relationship is harmful. Abusers can leverage any vulnerability you show, wanting to serve as ‘the only one who understands you’ or your ‘translator’ for the outside world.
For those who are newly diagnosed or suspect you are autistic, reflecting on past relationships can be both validating and confusing. You may realize that what you once blamed yourself for—being "too sensitive," "too intense," or "too naive"—was actually a result of your neurodivergence or a trauma response. This realization can be painful, but it can also be the first step toward healing and self-compassion.
Breaking the Cycle: Healing and Finding Yourself Again after Abuse
In the aftermath of an unhealthy relationship, we find ourselves with two tasks - first, is safety, we want to find ways to to protect ourselves from it happening again, and synthesizing lessons learnt. Secondly, is the existential task of making meaning of our experience, ‘how did it change me? what made me vulnerable? who was I then and who am I now?
Some ways to start this journey include:
Exploring Your Identity Without Judgment: It’s okay if you don’t know where autism ends and trauma begins. Therapy, self-reflection, and community support can help you explore your authentic self.
Learning to Recognize and Trust Your Instincts: Rebuilding self-trust after trauma is hard, but small steps—like honoring your feelings and practicing saying no—can make a difference.
Finding Support That Understands Neurodivergency and Trauma: Not all therapy approaches work for autistic individuals. Seeking neurodivergent-affirming, trauma-informed support can help you process your experiences without forcing you to conform to neurotypical expectations.
Seeking Support?
If you're looking for a therapist who understands the unique challenges of neurodivergent survivors of relational trauma, consider reaching out for support. You can contact me and we can discuss what it would look like to work together here, or schedule a free consultation at the link below.
Why EMDR Intensives Make Sense for Survivors of Domestic Violence and Emotional Abuse
EMDR Intensives: A Fast-Track to Healing from Relational Trauma
Relational trauma—whether from domestic violence, emotional abuse, or other toxic relationship dynamics—can become deeply embedded within us. For many, this leads to symptoms of Complex PTSD (CPTSD) or persistent patterns of distress that impact self-worth, relationships, and daily life. These experiences shape our beliefs about ourselves and the world, often in ways that keep us stuck in cycles of fear, self-doubt, or hypervigilance.
While weekly therapy can be incredibly beneficial, survivors often find themselves 'holding back the tide' of pain, managing daily stressors without ever truly breaking free. EMDR intensives offer an alternative—a way to address deep-rooted trauma in a focused, transformative way, allowing for lasting change rather than just week-to-week coping.
There are also what I call ‘sweet-spots’ in your healing journey - those moments when you have the capacity and the desire to reflect on your experiences. In the aftermath of a relationship, after divorce, break-up, death, or any other natural transition in life, there is a small moment of peace where we can reflect. When we fail to maximize on this time, it gets lost as life sweeps us away. Our negative intrinsic beliefs about ourselves and the patterns we carry kick back into action.
Understanding EMDR and Why a Bottom-Up Approach is Important
Traditional talk therapy often works in a 'top-down' way, engaging logic and reasoning to process emotional wounds. Let’s talk about what happened to understand it. However, relational trauma is deeply stored in the nervous system. Survivors of emotional abuse or domestic violence often know their past experiences were damaging, but that awareness alone doesn’t always stop the trauma from affecting their emotions, relationships, and daily life. Sometimes we can avoid truly healing and feeling our pain by the intellectual exercise of talk therapy.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a 'bottom-up' therapy, meaning it engages the brain and body in reprocessing traumatic memories at their root. Instead of merely talking about what happened, EMDR helps shift how those experiences feel—reducing distress, altering negative beliefs, and freeing you from patterns that no longer serve you.
EMDR intensives take this a step further by condensing months of healing into just a few days, allowing you to process trauma in a more cohesive and structured way, making the most of that ‘sweet spot’ when you have the time, capacity, and desire to heal.
The Pain of Feeling Stuck—and How EMDR Intensives Help
Many survivors of relational trauma experience therapy as an ongoing battle—feeling like they’re just managing symptoms rather than truly healing. Many find themselves entering into other toxic relationships, as patterns repeat. Common struggles include:
Feeling stuck in survival mode: Anxiety, hypervigilance, and emotional overwhelm can make it hard to move forward.
Struggling with negative self-beliefs: Messages learned through trauma ('I’m not good enough,' 'I’m unlovable,' 'I can’t trust anyone') linger long after the relationship ends.
Coping instead of thriving: Weekly therapy helps, but progress feels slow, and you’re still battling the same pain week after week.
Wanting change but fearing the process: The idea of confronting trauma can be daunting, leading to hesitancy about investing in deeper work.
An EMDR intensive is designed to break through these roadblocks. Instead of spreading out therapy in small weekly increments, an intensive offers:
A focused approach to resolving trauma-related beliefs and triggers.
Deeper reprocessing, addressing not just isolated events but the entire chain of impacts your trauma has had.
The ability to move beyond 'coping' into actual transformation—increasing self-trust, reducing distress, and gaining clarity on your healing journey.
Why an Intensive? The Investment in Your Healing
One of the biggest concerns people have about EMDR intensives is the cost. There’s no way around it—an intensive is a financial investment. However, when compared to the cost of ongoing weekly therapy, it can actually be a more cost-effective path to healing.
A single EMDR intensive can replicate what might take a year or more of traditional therapy. The focused, uninterrupted nature of intensives allows for more substantial progress, often making it a faster and more efficient way to heal. Many clients find that instead of paying for weekly sessions that keep them managing symptoms or the crisis of the week, an intensive allows them to move past trauma and require less therapy overall.
Who is Not a Good Fit for EMDR Intensives?
EMDR intensives are a powerful healing tool, but they aren’t right for everyone. You may not be a good fit if:
You are currently in an ongoing crisis or actively experiencing domestic violence.
You are struggling with severe dissociation, psychosis, addictions, or active suicidal thoughts.
You are not ready to invest in deep work—EMDR intensives require commitment and emotional resilience.
Intensives work best when you are at a place in your healing journey where you are ready to confront and shift old patterns. If you’re unsure, we can discuss whether an intensive or a different therapeutic approach is best for you.
What to Expect in an EMDR Intensive
An intensive condenses therapy into a shorter period, allowing for structured and effective work. By tackling processing in larger chunks of time, we minimize distractions, and transition time. In normal therapy, those ten minutes you spend getting settled and warming up into a session and the five minutes at the end talking about scheduling add up over time. With an intensive format, we lay the ground work to get in the zone quickly, stay there, and make the most out of the time.
My EMDR intensive programs include:
Pre-Intensive Prep: A 60-minute consultation to assess your needs, introduce grounding techniques, develop a sense of safety, and set clear goals.
Intensive Sessions (3 or 5 Days): 10 or 15 hours of one-on-one therapy, using EMDR, somatic practices, and parts work to reprocess trauma.
Post-Intensive Follow-Up: A 60-minute check-in one week or so later to assess progress and provide additional support.
Making the Choice to Heal
Healing from relational trauma isn’t about just getting through another week—it’s about reclaiming your sense of self, breaking free from painful cycles, and moving forward with confidence.
You can learn more about my EMDR intensive program here. If you’re ready to take the next step, schedule a free consultation to learn more about whether an intensive is right for you.
Unraveling the Past: Neurodivergency and the Complexity of Abuse in Relationships
A late diagnosis of autism or ADHD can feel like a revelation—finally, an explanation for why life has felt different, why certain struggles have persisted, and why relationships have often been confusing or painful. But alongside these answers, new questions emerge. This is particular true for those who have suffered abuse. Looking back, we begin to wonder: Is that neurodivergency, or is that a trauma response? Did my past experiences shape me, or was I always this way? How did neurodivergency play a role in my relationships? How much of myself have I hidden just to survive?
As a survivor learning more about neurodivergency, and complex trauma, more questions are raised. Untangling the impact of past relationships, self-perception, and identity can be incredibly complex.
Why Neurodivergent Women* Are More Vulnerable to Relational Trauma
Many neurodivergent women experience a pattern of difficult, confusing, or even abusive relationships. The reasons for this are layered but often include:
Masking as Survival – Many autistic and ADHD women learn early on that their natural ways of being—whether that’s intense emotions, sensory sensitivities, or social misunderstandings—are not always welcomed or accepted. They develop the ability to mask, to blend in, to become what others expect. This survival strategy can extend to relationships, leading women to mold themselves to fit a partner’s needs, suppress their own discomfort, and ignore red flags.
Difficulty Recognizing Red Flags – Many neurodivergent women take people at their word, may struggle with social nuance, or miss the slow, insidious nature of manipulation and control. Everyone is susceptible to an abuser, but gaslighting can be particularly effective against those who have already spent their lives questioning their own reactions and emotions.
Emotional Dysregulation and Trauma Responses – Emotional intensity, rejection sensitivity, and difficulty self-regulating can create a cycle where small conflicts escalate into deep wounds, making it harder to feel safe in relationships. Feeling unsafe can sometimes be ‘normal’, and for those with a trauma history, hypervigilance can make it difficult to distinguish between a real threat and past wounds resurfacing.
Attachment Wounds and Fear of Abandonment – Many neurodivergent women have experienced rejection or bullying in childhood. Trauma and shame often runs deep. As adults, they may tolerate unhealthy dynamics out of a deep fear of being alone, believing they must accept what they can get rather than risk isolation. Living a life believing that your experiences are ‘your fault’ creates an opening for an abuser to take advantage.
Looking Back: Was It Abuse, Neurodivergency, or both?
A diagnosis is often a relief. It provides context and clarity and can often explain so much. But a late diagnosis will often prompt a retrospective (and often painful) review of life events. We begin to examine past experiences and relationships with fresh eyes, asking:
Was I struggling in that relationship because of my neurodivergency, or was it toxic?
Was I misunderstood, or was I truly at fault?
How much of my trauma was caused by being neurodivergent in a world that didn’t understand me?
Have I been in survival mode for so long that I don’t even know who I really am?
Oftentimes there is not a simple answer. And processing them takes time. When we see ourselves clearly—beyond just the trauma, beyond just the diagnosis—we can begin to understand our patterns and break cycles that no longer serve us.
Healing and Reclaiming Identity
If you find yourself untangling these questions, know that it’s okay to not have all the answers yet. Healing is not about immediately resolving every conflict within yourself but rather about allowing space to explore, grieve, and rediscover who you are beneath the layers of trauma and masking.
Here are some ways to begin this journey:
Give Yourself Permission to Unmask – Learning to recognize your own needs, limits, and sensory preferences is a powerful first step in reclaiming your identity. It allows you to begin to trust yourself, and your instincts, and surround yourself by people you trust.
Explore Your Relationship Patterns – Understanding past dynamics can help you recognize what is healthy and what is not in current and future relationships.
Develop Self-Compassion – It’s easy to look back with regret or self-blame, but remembering that you were doing your best with the knowledge and tools you had at the time is essential for healing.
Seek Support in a Safe Space – Therapy or counseling with a neurodivergent-affirming and trauma-informed approach can provide guidance in this exploration.
What next?
If you’ve recently been diagnosed or suspect you may be neurodivergent, understanding the power of this self-discovery process is important. It is not just about who you are, but how that has impacted your experiences. The intersection of neurodivergency and relational trauma is complex, but in exploring this complexity lies the possibility for healing, growth, and a deeper sense of self-understanding.
If this is something that you would like to explore further, you can schedule a free 15 minute consultation to discuss here.
You can read more about the work I do with identity exploration here and in the space between neurodiversity and domestic violence and other relational trauma here.
I also plan to write more about the overlaps between ADHD, autism, and CPTSD and how to tease them apart, particularly relating to intimate relationships and abuse. Stay tuned!
*A Note on Language:
I use the term "neurodivergent women" in this post because this is where much of my professional experience lies. So many of the experiences I talk about are shaped by the way society treats and conditions women and girls. That said, I know that neurodivergence and gender don’t fit into neat boxes, so even if you don’t connect with the term “woman,” I hope you still find something helpful here.
I also choose to use identity-first language (like “neurodivergent person” instead of “person with neurodivergence”) since many people consider a diagnosis of any form of neurodivergence isn’t just something you have—it’s part of who you are. While some people prefer person-first language, I use the wording that feels most affirming to the community I work with.
Therapy for Abuse Survivors: Breaking Barriers and Finding Healing
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please prioritize safety. Call 911 or your local emergency number. You can also reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit their website at www.thehotline.org. They provide confidential support 24/7 and can help you create a safety plan or find local resources.
Deciding to start therapy or begin a healing journey after surviving abuse or domestic violence is a big step and there are many hurdles along the way. You might wrestle with feelings of shame, guilt, or fear—or wonder even if your experiences “count” as something therapy can help with. It’s easy to feel stuck, especially when these complex emotions cloud your ability to seek help.
Here’s the truth: you’re not alone, and your pain matters. So many survivors feel the same hesitation and doubt about starting therapy, but healing is possible—and therapy can be a powerful tool to help you get there. In this post, we’ll dive into common reasons survivors hesitate to seek therapy and show how therapy can help break down those barriers.
Fear of Not Being Understood in Therapy
Opening up about abuse is deeply personal, and the thought of being judged, doubted, or misunderstood can feel unbearable. You might wonder: Will she really get it? Will she believe me? Perhaps you've shared parts of your story before and been met with skepticism, blame, or outright dismissal (even from loved ones and people who care about us) —responses that subtly communicate that your pain is less valid, less important. Society, culture, and the media, spreading harmful myths and stereotypes, often minimizes or ignores the experiences of survivors, making it harder to trust that your pain is real and worthy of attention.
This fear makes complete sense. Survivors often internalize the dismissiveness they've encountered from people in their lives and from a culture that tends to downplay or make light of the impact of abuse. Over time, that internalized doubt can make it even harder to speak out again.
How Therapy Helps:
A therapist who works specifically with survivors has faced these fears alongside clients before. Unlike everyday conversations where people may not know how to respond or may unintentionally invalidate your experience, therapists are trained to listen with deep empathy and provide a space that’s free of judgment. Opening up about abuse isn’t just about saying what happened—it’s about acknowledging and processing the emotional, psychological, and physical toll it has taken on you.
Facing that fear and slowly beginning to express emotions that may feel too overwhelming or complex to share with others is one of the key tools of healing. Therapy provides you with a space to explore and reframe the internalized beliefs that abuse often leaves behind. A good therapist helps you separate the effects of the abuse from your own sense of self-worth, guiding you through tools and strategies that rebuild your confidence and resilience.
Minimizing Your Abuse: Therapy Can Help You Validate Your Pain
“It wasn’t that bad.”
“Other people have been through worse.”
“Maybe I’m overreacting.”
Sound familiar? Survivors often downplay their experiences as a way to cope or because they’ve been told it’s “not a big deal.” But here’s the thing: abuse is not just about bruises or violence. Emotional manipulation, control, and neglect are all forms of abuse, and they leave lasting scars. The messages from society, family, friends, and even the abuser, often echo in our minds: “It wasn’t that serious.” “You should be stronger.” “Other people have it worse.” These messages can perpetuate the cycle of self-doubt, causing survivors to question the legitimacy of their own pain. But what you experienced—whether it involved physical violence or subtle emotional manipulation—is real, valid, and deserving of care.
Minimization doesn’t just come from the outside world, either. It can come from within, as well. We may convince ourselves that the abuse wasn’t that bad, or that it didn’t really happen, as a way of protecting ourselves from the overwhelming pain. In these moments, we try to create a reality that feels safer, even if it’s distorted. This coping mechanism, though protective in the short term, can ultimately undermine our ability to trust ourselves and our instincts. Over time, minimizing the abuse can make it harder to recognize what we’ve truly endured—and even harder to ask for help.
How Therapy Helps:
Therapy helps you validate your feelings and recognize that your pain is real, no matter the circumstances or the messages you’ve internalized. Acknowledging the hurt and pain other people have caused you is in itself a big step.
In therapy we may gently try to reframe your perspective: “If a friend told you this happened to them, how would you respond?” This simple exercise can be incredibly powerful, allowing you to see your experience from the perspective of compassion and empathy, rather than self-blame. It helps you understand that, if this happened to someone you loved, you would never downplay or invalidate their pain—and the same compassion should be extended to yourself.
Through therapy, you begin to recognize that the story you’ve been telling yourself—about being too sensitive, overreacting, or not deserving of help—was never the truth. By giving yourself permission to feel and acknowledge the full weight of what happened, you can start to heal the emotional scars that have been buried under layers of minimization.
Recognizing your story as valid is the first step toward healing—and therapy provides the tools to get there.
Letting Go of Shame as an Abuse Survivor
Shame is one of the heaviest emotions survivors carry. It can settle deeply in your body and mind, casting a long shadow over your ability to see yourself clearly. Society often perpetuates the harmful idea that victims of abuse are somehow responsible for what happens to them—that they should have known better, acted differently, or “done something” to prevent it. This misconception is rooted in harmful stereotypes and victim-blaming narratives that leave survivors feeling isolated, ashamed, and unworthy of support.
Shame can be paralyzing. It convinces you that seeking help will expose your “flaws” or “failures,” further deepening the belief that you’re unworthy of love, care, or understanding. It keeps you stuck in a cycle of silence and self-judgment, preventing you from asking for the support you need to heal.
How Therapy Helps:
Therapy flips the script on shame. Through compassionate conversations, a therapist can help you untangle the deeply rooted beliefs that keep you locked in a cycle of shame. They will validate your pain and help you recognize that the abuse was the result of the abuser’s choices—not yours.
You are not your abuse. Your worth is not tied to what you have lived through. You are more than your experiences. Therapy also helps you challenge the internalized shame that keeps you feeling “broken” or “weak.” Over time, you’ll begin to see yourself as resilient, not as someone who failed, but as someone who survived—someone who has the strength to heal and rebuild their life on their own terms.
Therapy can help you reclaim your story.
Denial and Repression: How Therapy Helps Uncover Hidden Emotions
When we experience trauma, the brain often steps in to protect us from the overwhelming emotional pain. Sometimes, this protection takes the form of repression, where memories or feelings are pushed deep down, and you may not even realize the extent of what happened because the emotions are buried beneath the surface. Other times, denial plays a more conscious role, convincing yourself that “it wasn’t that bad” or that you're “overreacting” as a way to avoid the emotional weight of the situation.
The tools we use to protect ourselves in the short-term can do lasting damage in the long-term. Over time, these mechanisms can block the healing process, preventing you from fully processing what happened. The more you repress or deny, the more difficult it becomes to acknowledge your pain and start the healing journey.
How Therapy Helps:
Therapy can help you name your experiences. By talking with someone who has experience in the different ways that abuse can show up in a relationship, you can learn to better identify abuse and then work on the ways in which it has impacted you.
Through this process, many survivors discover that facing the truth—though incredibly hard—brings a profound sense of relief and freedom. One of the great psychiatrists and educators of our time, Dan Siegel, uses the phrase “name it to tame it.” Clarity is crucial for healing: recognizing the abuse for what it was helps you to rebuild trust in your instincts and self-worth, rather than questioning or invalidating your experience.
This clarity can be transformative. It allows you to rebuild trust in your instincts and take steps to protect yourself in the future. Therapy isn’t just about looking back—it’s about moving forward with confidence and clarity.
Take Steps Toward Healing
If any of this feels familiar, you’re not alone. Healing from abuse is a journey, and therapy can be a powerful tool to help you navigate it. Whether you’re struggling with shame, guilt, or just figuring out where to start, therapy offers a safe space to explore your feelings.
To support you, schedule a free 15-minute consultation to help you decide if therapy feels right for you. Let’s chat about what you’re looking for and how I can help.
If you’re looking for more resources, you can read more here or these books are a great place to start:
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
Should I Stay or Should I Go? by Ramani Durvasula
Healing starts with one small step. Whether it’s reaching out for help, reading a book, or scheduling that first therapy session, you’re already moving forward.
You’re stronger than you realize—and you don’t have to do this alone.
The Problem with The Let Them Theory – And When Letting Go Is Actually Helpful
Introduction: The Power and the Problem with “Let Them”
Mel Robbins’ The Let Them Theory has resonated with millions, offering a simple but profound idea: instead of trying to control others, just let them do what they’re going to do. The concept aligns with powerful psychological principles like radical acceptance, the serenity prayer, and the idea of an internal locus of control.
But there’s a problem.
The phrase “Let them” was originally written by poet Cassie Phillips, whose work has not been credited in Robbins’ promotion of the theory. While Robbins has undoubtedly brought the idea to a larger audience, failing to acknowledge its original creator raises ethical concerns about intellectual property and fair recognition.
Beyond this issue, there’s also an important conversation to be had about when “letting them” is helpful—and when it’s potentially harmful. While letting go is a powerful practice in many situations, it’s not a universal solution, especially in cases of abuse, neglect, or when boundaries need to be enforced.
The Psychology Behind Letting Go: Why It Resonates
At its best, The Let Them Theory echoes core psychological and spiritual principles that help people find peace in an uncontrollable world.
The Serenity Prayer
The famous Serenity Prayer, written (probably) in the 1930s and popularized in popular culture by AA, states:
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."
This idea is central to The Let Them Theory. Acceptance. We often waste energy trying to control others—whether it’s partners, family members, or colleagues—only to end up frustrated when they don’t behave as we want. Letting go of what we can’t control can free us from stress, anxiety, and unnecessary conflict.
Radical Acceptance
Radical acceptance, a concept from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), similarly encourages us in fully acknowledging reality as it is—without fighting it, denying it, or wishing it were different. This doesn’t mean approving of or liking a situation. Instead, it’s about recognizing that resisting reality often causes more suffering than the reality itself.
Imagine you’re in a painful situation—someone you care about has ended a relationship with you, a family member is emotionally distant, or a friend keeps disappointing you. The natural reaction might be to think:
“This isn’t fair.”
“I wish things were different.”
“They shouldn’t act this way.”
These thoughts keep you stuck in frustration, sadness, or resentment. Radical acceptance, on the other hand, shifts your focus to what is happening rather than what “should” be happening. It’s about saying:
“This situation hurts, but I can’t control how this person behaves.”
“I don’t like this, but I accept that this is my current reality.”
“Now that I’ve accepted it, I can focus on how to take care of myself.”
By accepting the reality of a situation—without judgment or resistance—you stop wasting energy on things you can’t change and start focusing on what you can change (like your response, your next steps, or your boundaries).
Locus of Control: Focusing on What You Can Change
Therapists often talk about locus of control, the idea that people fall somewhere on a spectrum between believing:
External control (“Everything happens to me.”)
Internal control (“I create my own outcomes.”)
Shifting toward an internal locus of control means understanding that you can’t always control others—but you can control how you respond. Instead of chasing validation, forcing relationships, or stressing over someone else’s actions, you shift your focus to what you can do.
When applied correctly, The Let Them Theory aligns with these healthy psychological shifts. But there are times when “letting them” is absolutely the wrong approach.
When “Letting Them” Becomes Dangerous
While letting go is freeing, it’s not a blanket solution for every situation. Some people may misinterpret The Let Them Theory in ways that enable harm or silence their own needs.
1. Abuse, Neglect, and Safety Concerns
You cannot “let them” continue abusing you and expect to heal. If someone is causing harm—whether it’s physical, emotional, or financial—taking action is necessary. Letting go is not an alternative to protecting yourself.
Instead of letting them, consider:
Recognizing red flags and setting boundaries
Seeking support from trusted people or professionals
Understanding that abusers often thrive on passivity—speaking up is an act of self-protection
2. People-Pleasing and Boundary Issues
For people-pleasers, The Let Them Theory can sound like another excuse to stay silent rather than advocate for themselves. If someone mistreats you, saying “Let them” might feel like avoiding confrontation—but in reality, it could mean neglecting your own needs.
Instead of passively letting go, ask yourself:
✅ Have I communicated my boundaries?
✅ Am I avoiding discomfort at the expense of my self-respect?
✅ Is “letting them” a way of shrinking myself instead of standing up for what I deserve?
3. Avoiding Accountability and Communication
Relationships—whether romantic, platonic, or professional—require effort. If we dismiss every conflict with “Let them”, we risk:
Failing to hold people accountable for hurtful behavior
Not giving relationships a chance to grow through communication
Missing opportunities to deepen understanding and connection
Letting go is not the same as shutting down. There’s a difference between releasing toxic people and avoiding difficult but necessary conversations.
The Ethics of Credit: Recognizing Cassie Phillips
One of the most important discussions surrounding The Let Them Theory is its origins. The phrase "Let them." comes from a poem by Cassie Phillips, a writer and poet who originally published the piece online. Despite its viral success, her work has not been credited in Mel Robbins’ promotion of the concept.
This raises a larger issue about how women—particularly independent artists—often see their work repackaged by larger brands without acknowledgment. Giving credit isn’t just ethical—it’s necessary.
Cassie Phillips deserves recognition for her work. The poem is beautiful. Below is the original poem in its entirety.
Cassie Phillips’ Original Poem: “Let Them”
"Just let them."
"If they want to choose something or someone else, let them."
"If they want to walk out of your life, let them."
"If they don’t see your worth, let them."
"If they don’t want to treat you with love and respect, let them."
"If they aren’t ready to show up for you, let them."
"If they want to shut you out, let them."
"You cannot control them. But you can control you. Let go, and let yourself move forward."
📸 Follow Cassie on Instagram: @cassiephillipswrites
Final Thoughts: Knowing When to Let Go—And When to Act
The Let Them Theory has real value in helping us release control and focus on what we can change. But it’s not a one-size-fits-all solution. True empowerment comes from knowing when to let go—and when to take action.
If you struggle with boundaries, toxic relationships, or healing from past emotional wounds, therapy can help. I’m offering a free 15-minute consultation to explore how we can work together on:
✅ Building self-worth and confidence
✅ Learning when to set boundaries vs. let go
✅ Healing from past trauma and emotional neglect
Click here to schedule your free consultation today.
Let’s celebrate the power of words—and make sure credit is given where it’s due.
10 Years of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: Why This Book Is Still Essential Reading
It’s been (almost!) 10 years since Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson’s Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents was published, and its relevance remains as strong as ever. For those who have experienced dysfunctional family dynamics, found themselves stuck in unhealthy relationships, or struggled to co-parent with someone who lacks emotional maturity, this book continues to provide clarity, hope, and tools for healing.
But the book’s insights go far beyond parent-child relationships. Dr. Gibson also explores how emotional neglect and immature behavior ripple out into every aspect of life. Whether you’re healing from toxic family dynamics, working through the effects of emotional neglect, or breaking free from unhealthy patterns in your own relationships, the lessons in this book are as powerful today as they were a decade ago.
What Does “Emotionally Immature” Really Mean?
One of the foundational ideas in Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents is the concept of emotional immaturity. Dr. Gibson describes emotionally immature parents - “they have an oversimplified approach to life, narrowing situations down to fit their rigid coping skills. Having such a limited sense of self makes them egocentric and undermines their ability to be sensitive to other people’s needs and feelings.” These parents often lack empathy, emotional awareness, and the ability to provide consistent emotional support.
It’s important to note that emotional immaturity isn’t necessarily synonymous with narcissism or a personality disorder, though some emotionally immature parents may exhibit these traits. What matters most is the impact on the child.
For children of emotionally immature parents, the experience often involves feeling unseen, unworthy, or even burdened by the responsibility of managing their parent’s emotional state. Unfortunately, these dynamics don’t disappear once childhood ends. Instead, they tend to follow us into adulthood, influencing the way we see ourselves, relate to others, and even parent our own children.
How Emotional Neglect Shapes Future Relationships
One of the most powerful insights from Dr. Gibson’s book is the connection between childhood emotional neglect and difficulties in adult relationships. If you grew up with emotionally immature parents, you may unknowingly carry unresolved wounds into your adult life. Dr. Gibson explains this phenomenon succinctly: “People who lacked emotional engagement in childhood, men and women alike, often can’t believe that someone would want to have a relationship with them just because of who they are. They believe that if they want closeness, they must play a role that always puts the other person first.”
Many clients I have worked with have asked why childhood abuse may have left them vulnerable to toxic and abusive relationships later in life. Why does history repeat itself? Why do we tolerate abuse?
Familiarity: If chaos, manipulation, or neglect were constants in your childhood, you might unconsciously seek out similar dynamics in adulthood because they feel familiar—even if they’re harmful.
Low self-worth: Without emotional validation growing up, you may struggle to believe you deserve healthy, respectful relationships. This can leave you vulnerable to toxic or one-sided partnerships.
People-pleasing tendencies: Many children of emotionally immature parents learn to earn love through over-functioning or meeting others’ needs at the expense of their own. Unfortunately, this can make them easy targets for manipulative partners.
The good news is that recognizing these patterns can be a critical first step to breaking free from them.
Tools for Building Healthier Relationships
While Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents primarily addresses family dynamics, the tools Dr. Gibson provides are deeply applicable to all types of relationships, including romantic partnerships. Here are a few important strategies from the book:
Establishing Emotional Boundaries
Dr. Gibson emphasizes the importance of emotional boundaries, explaining that “action on your own behalf is the antidote to traumatic feelings of helplessness.” The freedom boundaries create helps you to protect your emotional energy and avoid being drawn into manipulative or toxic dynamics.Practicing Self-Validation
Instead of seeking constant approval from others, Dr. Gibson encourages readers to validate their own feelings and experiences. Learning to ‘wake up’ and truly experience your feelings, your values and your relationships can all make you less vulnerable to emotionally unhealthy partners.Reclaiming Your True Self
Emotionally immature relationships often erode a person’s sense of self, making us feel as if our true selves aren’t acceptable, which often leads to feelings of shame or self-doubt. By rediscovering who you are and embracing your true identity, you can build healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
Co-Parenting with an Abuser: Breaking the Cycle for Your Children
Co-parenting with an emotionally immature or abusive partner is undeniably challenging, but Dr. Gibson provides a framework for protecting your children from emotional harm while maintaining your own mental well-being.
Some key strategies include:
Modeling emotional maturity: Even if the other parent doesn’t provide validation, you can show your child that their feelings are valid and respected. This not only supports their emotional development but also sets a powerful example of healthy behavior.
Setting boundaries: Protect your child (and yourself) from toxic behaviors by establishing and maintaining firm boundaries and communicating effectively.
Encouraging emotional expression: Help your child name and process their emotions, equipping them with tools to navigate their own experiences.
These steps can help you break the cycle of emotional neglect, mitigate the harm of abuse, and create a healthier environment for your children.
Ready to Begin Your Healing Journey?
If any of what I’ve shared resonates with you, therapy might be the next step in your healing journey. As a mental health professional, I specialize in helping individuals navigate the long-term effects of emotionally immature parenting, abusive relationships, and help people re-find themselves and build healthier patterns in their relationships.
I offer a free 15-minute consultation to discuss your goals and explore how we can work together to achieve them.