Unraveling the Past: Neurodivergency and the Complexity of Abuse in Relationships
A late diagnosis of autism or ADHD can feel like a revelation—finally, an explanation for why life has felt different, why certain struggles have persisted, and why relationships have often been confusing or painful. But alongside these answers, new questions emerge. This is particular true for those who have suffered abuse. Looking back, we begin to wonder: Is that neurodivergency, or is that a trauma response? Did my past experiences shape me, or was I always this way? How did neurodivergency play a role in my relationships? How much of myself have I hidden just to survive?
As a survivor learning more about neurodivergency, and complex trauma, more questions are raised. Untangling the impact of past relationships, self-perception, and identity can be incredibly complex.
Why Neurodivergent Women* Are More Vulnerable to Relational Trauma
Many neurodivergent women experience a pattern of difficult, confusing, or even abusive relationships. The reasons for this are layered but often include:
Masking as Survival – Many autistic and ADHD women learn early on that their natural ways of being—whether that’s intense emotions, sensory sensitivities, or social misunderstandings—are not always welcomed or accepted. They develop the ability to mask, to blend in, to become what others expect. This survival strategy can extend to relationships, leading women to mold themselves to fit a partner’s needs, suppress their own discomfort, and ignore red flags.
Difficulty Recognizing Red Flags – Many neurodivergent women take people at their word, may struggle with social nuance, or miss the slow, insidious nature of manipulation and control. Everyone is susceptible to an abuser, but gaslighting can be particularly effective against those who have already spent their lives questioning their own reactions and emotions.
Emotional Dysregulation and Trauma Responses – Emotional intensity, rejection sensitivity, and difficulty self-regulating can create a cycle where small conflicts escalate into deep wounds, making it harder to feel safe in relationships. Feeling unsafe can sometimes be ‘normal’, and for those with a trauma history, hypervigilance can make it difficult to distinguish between a real threat and past wounds resurfacing.
Attachment Wounds and Fear of Abandonment – Many neurodivergent women have experienced rejection or bullying in childhood. Trauma and shame often runs deep. As adults, they may tolerate unhealthy dynamics out of a deep fear of being alone, believing they must accept what they can get rather than risk isolation. Living a life believing that your experiences are ‘your fault’ creates an opening for an abuser to take advantage.
Looking Back: Was It Abuse, Neurodivergency, or both?
A diagnosis is often a relief. It provides context and clarity and can often explain so much. But a late diagnosis will often prompt a retrospective (and often painful) review of life events. We begin to examine past experiences and relationships with fresh eyes, asking:
Was I struggling in that relationship because of my neurodivergency, or was it toxic?
Was I misunderstood, or was I truly at fault?
How much of my trauma was caused by being neurodivergent in a world that didn’t understand me?
Have I been in survival mode for so long that I don’t even know who I really am?
Oftentimes there is not a simple answer. And processing them takes time. When we see ourselves clearly—beyond just the trauma, beyond just the diagnosis—we can begin to understand our patterns and break cycles that no longer serve us.
Healing and Reclaiming Identity
If you find yourself untangling these questions, know that it’s okay to not have all the answers yet. Healing is not about immediately resolving every conflict within yourself but rather about allowing space to explore, grieve, and rediscover who you are beneath the layers of trauma and masking.
Here are some ways to begin this journey:
Give Yourself Permission to Unmask – Learning to recognize your own needs, limits, and sensory preferences is a powerful first step in reclaiming your identity. It allows you to begin to trust yourself, and your instincts, and surround yourself by people you trust.
Explore Your Relationship Patterns – Understanding past dynamics can help you recognize what is healthy and what is not in current and future relationships.
Develop Self-Compassion – It’s easy to look back with regret or self-blame, but remembering that you were doing your best with the knowledge and tools you had at the time is essential for healing.
Seek Support in a Safe Space – Therapy or counseling with a neurodivergent-affirming and trauma-informed approach can provide guidance in this exploration.
What next?
If you’ve recently been diagnosed or suspect you may be neurodivergent, understanding the power of this self-discovery process is important. It is not just about who you are, but how that has impacted your experiences. The intersection of neurodivergency and relational trauma is complex, but in exploring this complexity lies the possibility for healing, growth, and a deeper sense of self-understanding.
If this is something that you would like to explore further, you can schedule a free 15 minute consultation to discuss here.
You can read more about the work I do with identity exploration here and in the space between neurodiversity and domestic violence and other relational trauma here.
I also plan to write more about the overlaps between ADHD, autism, and CPTSD and how to tease them apart, particularly relating to intimate relationships and abuse. Stay tuned!
*A Note on Language:
I use the term "neurodivergent women" in this post because this is where much of my professional experience lies. So many of the experiences I talk about are shaped by the way society treats and conditions women and girls. That said, I know that neurodivergence and gender don’t fit into neat boxes, so even if you don’t connect with the term “woman,” I hope you still find something helpful here.
I also choose to use identity-first language (like “neurodivergent person” instead of “person with neurodivergence”) since many people consider a diagnosis of any form of neurodivergence isn’t just something you have—it’s part of who you are. While some people prefer person-first language, I use the wording that feels most affirming to the community I work with.