Sexual Assault in Relationships: Recognizing Abuse & Finding Support
Trigger Warning: This article discusses sexual assault and abuse in relationships, which may be distressing for some readers. Please take care of your well-being as you engage with this content.
April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month
April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, intended to increase awareness and provide education around sexual violence as well as support survivors. Conversations about sexual assault often focus on attacks by strangers, but this does not reflect most survivors' experiences. It is estimated that 80-90% of women know their perpetrator, with more than half of sexual assaults perpetrated by a current or former partner. Sexual abuse within relationships is an issue that often goes unrecognized or unspoken.
In my former role as a therapist in a domestic violence and sexual assault agency, I saw firsthand how common this was, and also the confusion survivors faced when asked about sexual assault within their relationships. Survivors often struggled to understand their experiences, largely because sexual abuse in relationships does not always fit the stereotypical image of sexual violence. It’s rarely a dramatic, overtly violent act. In the context of abusive relationships, sexual violence is a tool of control, coercion, and manipulation. Many survivors experience mixed emotions—grappling with their beliefs about intimacy, cultural and societal expectations, feelings of betrayal or disbelief, and deep internal conflict about being harmed by someone they love.
Forms of Sexual Abuse in Relationships
Sexual abuse within relationships can take many forms. Even if it doesn’t involve physical violence, it can still be coercive, violating, and deeply harmful. Some common ways this abuse appears include:
1. Pressure for Sex
Persistent begging, guilt-tripping, or making a partner feel guilty for saying no.
Using phrases like, "If you loved me, you would..." or "You owe me."
Acting withdrawn, sulking, or becoming angry when a partner refuses sex.
2. Forced Sexual Contact
Non-consensual touching, groping, or other physical contact.
Engaging in sexual acts while a partner is asleep, intoxicated, or otherwise unable to consent.
Ignoring a partner’s attempts to stop or pull away.
3. Emotional Manipulation & Coercion
Using guilt, shame, or fear to get a partner to comply.
Making threats like, "If you don’t, I’ll cheat on you," or "I’ll leave you."
Tying sexual compliance to affection, love, or safety in the relationship.
4. Using Sex as Punishment or Control
Withholding affection or sex as a way to manipulate or punish.
Insisting on unwanted or degrading sexual acts as a form of power and humiliation.
Using sex to assert dominance, especially after an argument or as an act of "making up" under duress.
Understanding Sexual Assault and Consent in Relationships
Sexual assault in a relationship is complicated by love, attachment, and social expectations around what sex "should" look like in a partnership. Many survivors struggle with questions like:
Was it really assault if I didn’t fight back?
I didn’t say no, but I also didn’t say yes—does that count?
Isn’t it normal for couples to have sex even when one person isn’t in the mood?
If I agreed in the past, does that mean I have to say yes every time?
Society often reinforces the idea that sex is an obligation in relationships. When violence has happened in the past or has been threatened, it becomes harder to say no. Unfortunately, many adults were never taught clear consent. While awareness is improving, many still struggle to understand what true enthusiastic consent looks like.
Consent should be:
Freely given – without pressure, manipulation, or guilt.
Enthusiastic – a clear, enthusiastic "yes" rather than the absence of "no."
Ongoing – just because you consented before doesn’t mean it’s automatic every time.
Many survivors of domestic violence have, over time, had their consent disregarded and their feelings dismissed. This can heighten feelings of powerlessness and confusion. Media often portrays sexual assault as only involving physical violence or strangers, making it harder for survivors to recognize their experiences as valid.
The Emotional Impact of Sexual Assault in Relationships
Experiencing sexual abuse within a relationship can have profound psychological and emotional consequences. It is rarely a one-time occurrence and often happens repeatedly throughout the relationship. Survivors may struggle with:
Feeling responsible for what happened or believing they should have fought harder.
Internalizing messages that minimize their pain, such as, “At least they didn’t hit me.”
Struggling to define what happened as assault because it doesn’t fit traditional narratives.
Feeling pressured to stay silent because the perpetrator is a partner or spouse.
Anxiety, depression, and PTSD-like symptoms.
Detachment or dissociation from one’s body.
Difficulty with intimacy and future relationships.
Survivors are often met with dismissive responses from loved ones, law enforcement, or even therapists who fail to recognize sexual abuse in relationships. This lack of validation can deepen feelings of isolation and self-doubt.
Seeking Support: How Therapy Can Help
Navigating the emotional toll of sexual abuse in a relationship is incredibly complex. However, recognizing, talking about, and processing your experience can help with healing. Speaking with a therapist can provide survivors with:
1. A Safe Space to Process Trauma
Therapy allows survivors to discuss their experiences without fear of judgment. A therapist specializing in abusive dynamics can help you feel validated and heard.
2. Clarity on Consent & Boundaries
Survivors often struggle to define what happened to them. Therapy helps in understanding consent and recognizing abusive patterns. Naming what happened for what it truly is can help in healing and self-protection.
3. Tools for Reclaiming Autonomy & Self-Worth
Abuse erodes a survivor’s sense of control and agency. Therapy helps rebuild confidence and trust in yourself, empowering you to set healthy boundaries in future relationships.
Know that:
Your pain is real, and your experience is valid.
You do not have to fit a specific mold to be a survivor.
Support is available, and you deserve healing.
To book a free consultation to process your experience, you can schedule at a time that suits you here.
Resources for Survivors
In addition to therapy, there are many free resources available for education and support. Consider reaching out to:
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) – RAINN.org
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 – thehotline.org
Local crisis, sexual assault, or domestic violence centers
How Complex Trauma Shapes Your Relationships: Breaking Free from Unhealthy Patterns
Why Trauma Survivors Struggle in Relationships
I have written in the past about complex trauma (C-PTSD), it’s relationship to neurodivergence, steps to healing and its causes. I thought it worth to deep dive a little more into how complex trauma can make you more vulnerable to further abusive or toxic relationships.
Those who experience C-PTSD often find that their relationships feel like a battlefield, just hard. They are filled with cycles of emotional pain, confusion, and self-doubt. People find themselves drawn to toxic relationship patterns without fully understanding why. If you've struggled with abusive relationships, difficulty setting boundaries, or repeating painful relationship dynamics, your history of trauma may hold the key to understanding these challenges.
Recognizing complex trauma is such an important step towards healing. Through deeper awareness, self-compassion, and support, you can first recognize, then break free from unhealthy patterns and build relationships that are safe, fulfilling, and aligned with your values.
What Is Complex PTSD (C-PTSD)? How It Differs from PTSD
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) typically develops after a single traumatic event, such as a car accident, natural disaster, or assault. PTSD is often associated with flashbacks, nightmares, and hypervigilance, all tied to a specific, time-limited trauma.
Complex PTSD (C-PTSD), on the other hand, results from prolonged, repeated trauma, often occurring in childhood or within relationships. This can include:
Emotional, physical, or sexual abuse
Chronic neglect or invalidation
Growing up in an unpredictable, high-conflict home
Long-term exposure to abusive relationships or domestic violence
How Domestic Violence Can Lead to C-PTSD
C-PTSD doesn’t just develop from childhood trauma—it can also result from abusive adult relationships, particularly in cases of domestic violence. Survivors of long-term emotional, physical, or psychological abuse often experience:
A constant state of fear and hypervigilance, never knowing when the next outburst or attack will happen
Gaslighting and manipulation, which erodes self-trust and distorts reality
Repeated cycles of abuse and "honeymoon phases", making it harder to leave
A loss of personal identity, as the survivor’s needs, emotions, and autonomy are systematically erased
Domestic violence can create the same deep, lasting wounds as childhood trauma, making it difficult for survivors to feel safe, trust others, or set healthy boundaries even after leaving the abusive relationship.
Experiencing domestic violence can cause C-PTSD. But having C-PTSD (whether from childhood abuse or DV) may make your more vulnerable to abusive and toxic relationships later in life. Because C-PTSD is so deeply tied to relationships, it often shapes how we engage all our relationships.
Common Relational Struggles Linked to Complex Trauma
Fear of abandonment - this may keep you trapped in unhealthy relationships. You may be more likely to overlook problems, you may blame yourself when things are difficiult, you may feel unlovable
Struggles with boundaries—either being too rigid or too porous, or both. This means that you pull people too close, enmeshing yourself with them and their lives. Alternatively, you may throw up walls, making it hard to connect to you. Many people who have C-PTSD have a disorganized attachment style, that is, switching between too close and too distant in reaction to their relationships
Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions - when you are exposed to abuse in childhood, it is incredibly common to internalize the abuse. You begin to feel responsible for the happiness of the people around you so have learnt to silence your own needs, people-please and avoid conflict at all costs
Hypervigilance - experiencing dangerous relationships can leave you on edge. You are left constantly scanning for signs of rejection or danger in relationships
Being drawn to relationships that replicate past wounds - Freud called this the ‘repetition compulsion’ - we are often drawn to relationships that mirror previous experiences, even when they cause pain. This can be because of familiarity or an attempt at ‘closing the loop’ and achieving a different outcome.
Complex trauma doesn’t just shape how you think about relationships—it affects your nervous system, self-worth, and ability to trust others.
Why Complex Trauma Can Lead to Toxic Relationships
If you've experienced emotionally abusive relationships, you may wonder: Why did I stay? Why didn’t I see the signs? The truth is, complex trauma makes it incredibly difficult to recognize and leave unhealthy relationships because of the impact it has.
1. Trauma Bonding: Why Leaving Feels Impossible
A trauma bond forms when intense emotional highs and lows keep you attached to someone, even when they hurt you. This is especially common in narcissistic or emotionally abusive relationships, where the cycle of love-bombing, devaluation, and intermittent reinforcement mirrors childhood experiences of unstable affection. The highs and lows that are so painful and harmful are also almost addictive.
Humans have an immense capacity for adaptation to our environment, whether healthy or unhealthy. Many people who move onto healthy relationships struggle at first, finding the lack of conflict, drama, and emotional yo-yoing ‘boring’. Healthy relationships are rarely dramatic.
2. Attachment Wounds: Why You Might Attract Emotionally Unavailable Partners
Complex trauma often disrupts attachment patterns, making emotionally unavailable or abusive partners feel familiar. If you had to earn love as a child, you might unconsciously repeat that cycle in adulthood. This might look like starting relationships with people who are emotionally unavaiable or challenging, believing that if you just try hard enough, you’ll be redeemed and receive the love and validation you deserve. Emotionally abusive relationships can harm your self-esteem to such an extent that you expose yourself to further emotional harm in an attempt to ‘make up’ for the past failures. Not only does this expose you to further pain, but it also places the responsibility for the relationship and any conflict to you. This allows abusers to take advantage of your vulnerabilities, since your default would be to blame yourself.
Signs of Attachment Wounds in Relationships:
Anxious Attachment – Feeling desperate for reassurance, fearing abandonment, and over-explaining yourself
Avoidant Attachment – Shutting down emotionally, struggling with intimacy, and pushing people away when they get too close
Disorganized Attachment – Swinging between craving closeness and fearing it, often feeling conflicted in relationships
3. People-Pleasing and Fawning in Abusive Relationships
When conflict feels unsafe (as it often does for trauma survivors), you may develop fawning behaviors—prioritizing keeping the peace over your own needs. This is particularly common with people who were exposed to abuse in childhood. Rather than facing the horrifying truth that the caregiver that you rely on is unsafe, you take responsibility for their mood and actions. It is often safer emotionally for a child to blame themselves than recognize abuse from a caregiver. This shows up later in life as a sense of responsibility for the mood of the people around you, so you silence your own needs, people-please, and avoid conflict at all costs
This can look like:
Ignoring red flags because you don’t want to be “too sensitive”
Apologizing for things that weren’t your fault to prevent conflict
Over-functioning in relationships, taking responsibility for the abuser’s emotions
These behaviors may have helped you survive childhood, but in adulthood, they keep you trapped in one-sided, unhealthy relationships.
Breaking Free: Healing From Complex Trauma in Relationships
The good news? You can unlearn these patterns. By no means is this an easy process. It is very often painful and difficult to explore the impact of painful and abusive relationships, take stock of how people may have let you down, and then recognize the ways in which this has changed the way that you show up in your relationships. Healing means reclaiming your sense of self, recognizing harmful dynamics, and building relationships based on mutual respect.
1. Build Awareness: Understanding the Patterns
The first step is to identify the ways trauma has shaped your relationships. Ask yourself:
Do I feel safe expressing my needs in relationships?
Do I over-function and take responsibility for others’ feelings?
Do I ignore red flags in the hope things will get better?
Do I struggle to set (and enforce) boundaries?
Recognizing these patterns allows you to step out of autopilot and make different choices.
2. Rewire Your Nervous System: Safety Comes First
Trauma lives in the body, not just the mind. Healing involves teaching your nervous system that safety and stability are possible. Some ways to do this:
EMDR - challenging the negative beliefs about yourself that live in your body
Somatic work - getting in touch with your body, through breathwork, grounding techniques, movement
Developing self-compassion—talk to yourself the way you’d talk to a loved one
Mindfulness and nervous system regulation to break patterns of hypervigilance
3. Practice Healthy Boundaries: Saying No Without Guilt
Boundaries are a form of self-care. They protect your energy, emotional well-being, and sense of self. They are also nuanced and delicate. Many of those dealing with the aftermath of abuse will respond by throwing up rigid boundaries, becoming almost unapproachable and shutting themselves off from others. This can be helpful as you heal within yourself, but in the long-run rarely reflects that values and connection that most people have. We learn to connect with healthy people and developing healthy boundaries can start with :
Identifying your non-negotiables in relationships
Learning to tolerate discomfort when enforcing boundaries
Recognizing that saying no doesn’t make you “mean” or “selfish”
4. Seek Support: Therapy Can Help Rewire Relationship Patterns
Healing from relationship trauma is rarely a solo journey. Relational trauma is healed through healthy relationships. Therapy can provide:
Validation—helping you see your experiences clearly, without self-blame
A roadmap for breaking patterns and creating healthier relational dynamics
Practical tools for healing attachment wounds and emotional triggers
If complex trauma has shaped your relationships, working with a trauma-informed therapist can help you untangle false beliefs about love, self-worth, and attachment—allowing you to build connections rooted in safety and mutual respect. Having just one healthy relationship can allow you the safety and practise ground for healing.
Final Thoughts: You Are Not Broken, and Healing Is Possible
Complex trauma may have shaped your past relationships, but it does not define your future. By understanding its impact, building self-awareness, and practicing new relational skills, you can break free from unhealthy patterns and create relationships that align with your worth.
You deserve safety, respect, and love that does not come at the cost of your well-being.
If you're ready to start your healing journey, therapy can provide the guidance and support you need.
Learn more about my work with those grappling with C-PTSD here
Who Do Narcissists Target? Why Me? Understanding Patterns, Attachment Styles, and Abuse Dynamics
Can Anyone Be a Victim of Narcissistic Abuse?
Narcissistic abuse can happen to anyone. Narcissists are charming, charismatic and master manipulators. We can all fall prey to their allure. Narcissists do, however, often target individuals who are more vulnerable to these dynamics. This is not about blaming the victim, but rather understanding the dynamics that can make someone more susceptible.
What Makes Someone a Target for a Narcissist?
Narcissists seek out individuals who serve a purpose in their world—people they can control, admire, or exploit. For a narcissist, their victim must hold perceived value, which can come in many forms: beauty, wealth, social status, connections, or unwavering loyalty. Some are drawn to highly empathetic individuals, as their kindness and willingness to give benefit of the doubt make them easier to manipulate. Others prey on those with insecurities or unresolved childhood wounds, instinctively knowing how to push their buttons.
Understanding these patterns can help survivors break free, set stronger boundaries, and protect themselves from future abuse.
The Charisma and Magnetism of Narcissists
Narcissists wear masks.They exude confidence, charm, and magnetism - the things we all find attractive. They may be incredibly successful, interesting, or powerful. Or they may have a story or a personality that draws you in. The initial stage of a relationship with a narcissist is exciting and dramatic, the stuff of fairytales. They pull you in quick, leading with a version of themselves to draw you in, and this tactic is all part of the manipulation.
Narcissists are skilled at mirroring, they will become what you want —adopting your interests, values, and desires to create a sense of deep connection. This makes it so easy to believe you've found a soulmate, someone who truly understands you. This act is unsustainable, and over time the mask will slip.
Narcissists move fast. They don’t want to give you time to stop and think or to calmly assess them, your dynamics or the relationship. They will love-bomb and bombard, and overwhelm you so that you can barely think straight. Signs of love-bombing include:
Over-the-top flattery – “I’ve never met anyone like you! You’re perfect!”
Constant communication – They text or call nonstop, expecting immediate responses.
Moving too fast – Pushing for deep emotional intimacy, declarations of love, or commitment early on.
Making you feel like you’re the center of their world – But later, this can turn into control.
Common Traits in Those Drawn into Narcissistic Relationships
Certain personality traits and attachment styles can make someone more vulnerable to narcissistic abuse. This isn’t because they are weak—quite the opposite. Many survivors are deeply empathetic, self-aware, and willing to work hard in relationships. These are all qualities that a narcissist values.
Empaths - By sharing the story of how the world has done them wrong, they pull you in emotionally and get buy-in for their version of events.
People-pleasers - If you prioritize other people’s needs above your own and avoid conflict, the narcissist sees the potential for a symbiotic relationship. You give, they take.
Anxious attachment styles - Seeking validation and fearing abandonment, makes it more likely that you will tolerate or not even recognise inconsistent treatment.
Childhood trauma or emotional neglect – Growing up in a household where love and affection was conditional or not consistent can make unhealthy dynamics feel familiar.
Strong sense of responsibility – Taking on the role of “fixer” or believing that love can change someone’s harmful behaviors.
These traits do not make someone responsible for the abuse they experience, but they can make it more difficult to recognize manipulation or walk away from toxic dynamics.
How to Identify a Narcissist - When to Trust Your Gut
If you feel like something is “off” in a relationship but can’t quite put your finger on it, trust that feeling. Very often people who have experienced childhood or relational trauma begin to believe that they are the problem, that they cannot trust their own instincts, or even successfully identify health or unhealthy dynamics. Narcissistic abuse isn’t always obvious, but it thrives on self-doubt.
Here are some questions you can ask of yourself to clarify :
Do they shift blame and refuse to take responsibility for their actions?
Do I feel like I have to work hard with them, earn their love or approval constantly?
Do they show empathy and accountability, or do they become defensive and manipulative when confronted?
Do I feel emotionally drained or anxious around them more often than I feel safe and secure?
What do others say about them? Do they have healthy relationships with family and friends?
What do they say about their ex-partners? Do they take any accountability for prior relationships ending?
Do they make me feel special, only to later make me feel inadequate or unworthy?
Do they dismiss my feelings or make me feel like I’m “too sensitive” when I express concerns?
What to Do If You Suspect You’re in a Narcissistic Relationship
Recognizing the red flags is the first step. If any of this sounds familiar, here are a few things you can do:
Be more mindful of behaviors – Keep a mental note of red flags and recurring patterns. This can help you see manipulation tactics more clearly.
Talk to someone you trust – Hold onto the healthy relationships in your life—a friend, family member, or therapist can offer valuable perspective and support.
Learn about narcissistic abuse – Understanding common tactics like gaslighting and blame-shifting can help you separate reality from manipulation.
Set boundaries – Start small, like limiting contact, refusing to engage in arguments, or asserting your needs without guilt.
Watch for safety issues – If the narcissist becomes aggressive, controlling, or threatens you, take precautions to protect yourself. Create a safety plan and seek help if needed.
Consider professional support – A therapist familiar with narcissistic abuse can be a crucial ally in your healing process, helping you rebuild confidence and set healthy relationship patterns.
If you’re in a situation that feels unhealthy, know that you don’t have to stay trapped in it. Recognizing the red flags early can help you take back your power and move toward healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
You deserve respect, safety, and love that lifts you up—not love that keeps you walking on eggshells.
Need Support? Take the Next Step Toward Healing
Gaining clarity about who narcissists target is just one piece of the puzzle—understanding the narcissistic abuse cycle can help you recognize manipulative patterns and break free.
Read my previous post on Identifying Narcissistic Abuse: Signs, Cycles, and How to Break Free
For more personalized support:
Explore my work with survivors here
Why EMDR Intensives Make Sense for Survivors of Domestic Violence and Emotional Abuse
EMDR Intensives: A Fast-Track to Healing from Relational Trauma
Relational trauma—whether from domestic violence, emotional abuse, or other toxic relationship dynamics—can become deeply embedded within us. For many, this leads to symptoms of Complex PTSD (CPTSD) or persistent patterns of distress that impact self-worth, relationships, and daily life. These experiences shape our beliefs about ourselves and the world, often in ways that keep us stuck in cycles of fear, self-doubt, or hypervigilance.
While weekly therapy can be incredibly beneficial, survivors often find themselves 'holding back the tide' of pain, managing daily stressors without ever truly breaking free. EMDR intensives offer an alternative—a way to address deep-rooted trauma in a focused, transformative way, allowing for lasting change rather than just week-to-week coping.
There are also what I call ‘sweet-spots’ in your healing journey - those moments when you have the capacity and the desire to reflect on your experiences. In the aftermath of a relationship, after divorce, break-up, death, or any other natural transition in life, there is a small moment of peace where we can reflect. When we fail to maximize on this time, it gets lost as life sweeps us away. Our negative intrinsic beliefs about ourselves and the patterns we carry kick back into action.
Understanding EMDR and Why a Bottom-Up Approach is Important
Traditional talk therapy often works in a 'top-down' way, engaging logic and reasoning to process emotional wounds. Let’s talk about what happened to understand it. However, relational trauma is deeply stored in the nervous system. Survivors of emotional abuse or domestic violence often know their past experiences were damaging, but that awareness alone doesn’t always stop the trauma from affecting their emotions, relationships, and daily life. Sometimes we can avoid truly healing and feeling our pain by the intellectual exercise of talk therapy.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a 'bottom-up' therapy, meaning it engages the brain and body in reprocessing traumatic memories at their root. Instead of merely talking about what happened, EMDR helps shift how those experiences feel—reducing distress, altering negative beliefs, and freeing you from patterns that no longer serve you.
EMDR intensives take this a step further by condensing months of healing into just a few days, allowing you to process trauma in a more cohesive and structured way, making the most of that ‘sweet spot’ when you have the time, capacity, and desire to heal.
The Pain of Feeling Stuck—and How EMDR Intensives Help
Many survivors of relational trauma experience therapy as an ongoing battle—feeling like they’re just managing symptoms rather than truly healing. Many find themselves entering into other toxic relationships, as patterns repeat. Common struggles include:
Feeling stuck in survival mode: Anxiety, hypervigilance, and emotional overwhelm can make it hard to move forward.
Struggling with negative self-beliefs: Messages learned through trauma ('I’m not good enough,' 'I’m unlovable,' 'I can’t trust anyone') linger long after the relationship ends.
Coping instead of thriving: Weekly therapy helps, but progress feels slow, and you’re still battling the same pain week after week.
Wanting change but fearing the process: The idea of confronting trauma can be daunting, leading to hesitancy about investing in deeper work.
An EMDR intensive is designed to break through these roadblocks. Instead of spreading out therapy in small weekly increments, an intensive offers:
A focused approach to resolving trauma-related beliefs and triggers.
Deeper reprocessing, addressing not just isolated events but the entire chain of impacts your trauma has had.
The ability to move beyond 'coping' into actual transformation—increasing self-trust, reducing distress, and gaining clarity on your healing journey.
Why an Intensive? The Investment in Your Healing
One of the biggest concerns people have about EMDR intensives is the cost. There’s no way around it—an intensive is a financial investment. However, when compared to the cost of ongoing weekly therapy, it can actually be a more cost-effective path to healing.
A single EMDR intensive can replicate what might take a year or more of traditional therapy. The focused, uninterrupted nature of intensives allows for more substantial progress, often making it a faster and more efficient way to heal. Many clients find that instead of paying for weekly sessions that keep them managing symptoms or the crisis of the week, an intensive allows them to move past trauma and require less therapy overall.
Who is Not a Good Fit for EMDR Intensives?
EMDR intensives are a powerful healing tool, but they aren’t right for everyone. You may not be a good fit if:
You are currently in an ongoing crisis or actively experiencing domestic violence.
You are struggling with severe dissociation, psychosis, addictions, or active suicidal thoughts.
You are not ready to invest in deep work—EMDR intensives require commitment and emotional resilience.
Intensives work best when you are at a place in your healing journey where you are ready to confront and shift old patterns. If you’re unsure, we can discuss whether an intensive or a different therapeutic approach is best for you.
What to Expect in an EMDR Intensive
An intensive condenses therapy into a shorter period, allowing for structured and effective work. By tackling processing in larger chunks of time, we minimize distractions, and transition time. In normal therapy, those ten minutes you spend getting settled and warming up into a session and the five minutes at the end talking about scheduling add up over time. With an intensive format, we lay the ground work to get in the zone quickly, stay there, and make the most out of the time.
My EMDR intensive programs include:
Pre-Intensive Prep: A 60-minute consultation to assess your needs, introduce grounding techniques, develop a sense of safety, and set clear goals.
Intensive Sessions (3 or 5 Days): 10 or 15 hours of one-on-one therapy, using EMDR, somatic practices, and parts work to reprocess trauma.
Post-Intensive Follow-Up: A 60-minute check-in one week or so later to assess progress and provide additional support.
Making the Choice to Heal
Healing from relational trauma isn’t about just getting through another week—it’s about reclaiming your sense of self, breaking free from painful cycles, and moving forward with confidence.
You can learn more about my EMDR intensive program here. If you’re ready to take the next step, schedule a free consultation to learn more about whether an intensive is right for you.
Unraveling the Past: Neurodivergency and the Complexity of Abuse in Relationships
A late diagnosis of autism or ADHD can feel like a revelation—finally, an explanation for why life has felt different, why certain struggles have persisted, and why relationships have often been confusing or painful. But alongside these answers, new questions emerge. This is particular true for those who have suffered abuse. Looking back, we begin to wonder: Is that neurodivergency, or is that a trauma response? Did my past experiences shape me, or was I always this way? How did neurodivergency play a role in my relationships? How much of myself have I hidden just to survive?
As a survivor learning more about neurodivergency, and complex trauma, more questions are raised. Untangling the impact of past relationships, self-perception, and identity can be incredibly complex.
Why Neurodivergent Women* Are More Vulnerable to Relational Trauma
Many neurodivergent women experience a pattern of difficult, confusing, or even abusive relationships. The reasons for this are layered but often include:
Masking as Survival – Many autistic and ADHD women learn early on that their natural ways of being—whether that’s intense emotions, sensory sensitivities, or social misunderstandings—are not always welcomed or accepted. They develop the ability to mask, to blend in, to become what others expect. This survival strategy can extend to relationships, leading women to mold themselves to fit a partner’s needs, suppress their own discomfort, and ignore red flags.
Difficulty Recognizing Red Flags – Many neurodivergent women take people at their word, may struggle with social nuance, or miss the slow, insidious nature of manipulation and control. Everyone is susceptible to an abuser, but gaslighting can be particularly effective against those who have already spent their lives questioning their own reactions and emotions.
Emotional Dysregulation and Trauma Responses – Emotional intensity, rejection sensitivity, and difficulty self-regulating can create a cycle where small conflicts escalate into deep wounds, making it harder to feel safe in relationships. Feeling unsafe can sometimes be ‘normal’, and for those with a trauma history, hypervigilance can make it difficult to distinguish between a real threat and past wounds resurfacing.
Attachment Wounds and Fear of Abandonment – Many neurodivergent women have experienced rejection or bullying in childhood. Trauma and shame often runs deep. As adults, they may tolerate unhealthy dynamics out of a deep fear of being alone, believing they must accept what they can get rather than risk isolation. Living a life believing that your experiences are ‘your fault’ creates an opening for an abuser to take advantage.
Looking Back: Was It Abuse, Neurodivergency, or both?
A diagnosis is often a relief. It provides context and clarity and can often explain so much. But a late diagnosis will often prompt a retrospective (and often painful) review of life events. We begin to examine past experiences and relationships with fresh eyes, asking:
Was I struggling in that relationship because of my neurodivergency, or was it toxic?
Was I misunderstood, or was I truly at fault?
How much of my trauma was caused by being neurodivergent in a world that didn’t understand me?
Have I been in survival mode for so long that I don’t even know who I really am?
Oftentimes there is not a simple answer. And processing them takes time. When we see ourselves clearly—beyond just the trauma, beyond just the diagnosis—we can begin to understand our patterns and break cycles that no longer serve us.
Healing and Reclaiming Identity
If you find yourself untangling these questions, know that it’s okay to not have all the answers yet. Healing is not about immediately resolving every conflict within yourself but rather about allowing space to explore, grieve, and rediscover who you are beneath the layers of trauma and masking.
Here are some ways to begin this journey:
Give Yourself Permission to Unmask – Learning to recognize your own needs, limits, and sensory preferences is a powerful first step in reclaiming your identity. It allows you to begin to trust yourself, and your instincts, and surround yourself by people you trust.
Explore Your Relationship Patterns – Understanding past dynamics can help you recognize what is healthy and what is not in current and future relationships.
Develop Self-Compassion – It’s easy to look back with regret or self-blame, but remembering that you were doing your best with the knowledge and tools you had at the time is essential for healing.
Seek Support in a Safe Space – Therapy or counseling with a neurodivergent-affirming and trauma-informed approach can provide guidance in this exploration.
What next?
If you’ve recently been diagnosed or suspect you may be neurodivergent, understanding the power of this self-discovery process is important. It is not just about who you are, but how that has impacted your experiences. The intersection of neurodivergency and relational trauma is complex, but in exploring this complexity lies the possibility for healing, growth, and a deeper sense of self-understanding.
If this is something that you would like to explore further, you can schedule a free 15 minute consultation to discuss here.
You can read more about the work I do with identity exploration here and in the space between neurodiversity and domestic violence and other relational trauma here.
I also plan to write more about the overlaps between ADHD, autism, and CPTSD and how to tease them apart, particularly relating to intimate relationships and abuse. Stay tuned!
*A Note on Language:
I use the term "neurodivergent women" in this post because this is where much of my professional experience lies. So many of the experiences I talk about are shaped by the way society treats and conditions women and girls. That said, I know that neurodivergence and gender don’t fit into neat boxes, so even if you don’t connect with the term “woman,” I hope you still find something helpful here.
I also choose to use identity-first language (like “neurodivergent person” instead of “person with neurodivergence”) since many people consider a diagnosis of any form of neurodivergence isn’t just something you have—it’s part of who you are. While some people prefer person-first language, I use the wording that feels most affirming to the community I work with.
Therapy for Abuse Survivors: Breaking Barriers and Finding Healing
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please prioritize safety. Call 911 or your local emergency number. You can also reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit their website at www.thehotline.org. They provide confidential support 24/7 and can help you create a safety plan or find local resources.
Deciding to start therapy or begin a healing journey after surviving abuse or domestic violence is a big step and there are many hurdles along the way. You might wrestle with feelings of shame, guilt, or fear—or wonder even if your experiences “count” as something therapy can help with. It’s easy to feel stuck, especially when these complex emotions cloud your ability to seek help.
Here’s the truth: you’re not alone, and your pain matters. So many survivors feel the same hesitation and doubt about starting therapy, but healing is possible—and therapy can be a powerful tool to help you get there. In this post, we’ll dive into common reasons survivors hesitate to seek therapy and show how therapy can help break down those barriers.
Fear of Not Being Understood in Therapy
Opening up about abuse is deeply personal, and the thought of being judged, doubted, or misunderstood can feel unbearable. You might wonder: Will she really get it? Will she believe me? Perhaps you've shared parts of your story before and been met with skepticism, blame, or outright dismissal (even from loved ones and people who care about us) —responses that subtly communicate that your pain is less valid, less important. Society, culture, and the media, spreading harmful myths and stereotypes, often minimizes or ignores the experiences of survivors, making it harder to trust that your pain is real and worthy of attention.
This fear makes complete sense. Survivors often internalize the dismissiveness they've encountered from people in their lives and from a culture that tends to downplay or make light of the impact of abuse. Over time, that internalized doubt can make it even harder to speak out again.
How Therapy Helps:
A therapist who works specifically with survivors has faced these fears alongside clients before. Unlike everyday conversations where people may not know how to respond or may unintentionally invalidate your experience, therapists are trained to listen with deep empathy and provide a space that’s free of judgment. Opening up about abuse isn’t just about saying what happened—it’s about acknowledging and processing the emotional, psychological, and physical toll it has taken on you.
Facing that fear and slowly beginning to express emotions that may feel too overwhelming or complex to share with others is one of the key tools of healing. Therapy provides you with a space to explore and reframe the internalized beliefs that abuse often leaves behind. A good therapist helps you separate the effects of the abuse from your own sense of self-worth, guiding you through tools and strategies that rebuild your confidence and resilience.
Minimizing Your Abuse: Therapy Can Help You Validate Your Pain
“It wasn’t that bad.”
“Other people have been through worse.”
“Maybe I’m overreacting.”
Sound familiar? Survivors often downplay their experiences as a way to cope or because they’ve been told it’s “not a big deal.” But here’s the thing: abuse is not just about bruises or violence. Emotional manipulation, control, and neglect are all forms of abuse, and they leave lasting scars. The messages from society, family, friends, and even the abuser, often echo in our minds: “It wasn’t that serious.” “You should be stronger.” “Other people have it worse.” These messages can perpetuate the cycle of self-doubt, causing survivors to question the legitimacy of their own pain. But what you experienced—whether it involved physical violence or subtle emotional manipulation—is real, valid, and deserving of care.
Minimization doesn’t just come from the outside world, either. It can come from within, as well. We may convince ourselves that the abuse wasn’t that bad, or that it didn’t really happen, as a way of protecting ourselves from the overwhelming pain. In these moments, we try to create a reality that feels safer, even if it’s distorted. This coping mechanism, though protective in the short term, can ultimately undermine our ability to trust ourselves and our instincts. Over time, minimizing the abuse can make it harder to recognize what we’ve truly endured—and even harder to ask for help.
How Therapy Helps:
Therapy helps you validate your feelings and recognize that your pain is real, no matter the circumstances or the messages you’ve internalized. Acknowledging the hurt and pain other people have caused you is in itself a big step.
In therapy we may gently try to reframe your perspective: “If a friend told you this happened to them, how would you respond?” This simple exercise can be incredibly powerful, allowing you to see your experience from the perspective of compassion and empathy, rather than self-blame. It helps you understand that, if this happened to someone you loved, you would never downplay or invalidate their pain—and the same compassion should be extended to yourself.
Through therapy, you begin to recognize that the story you’ve been telling yourself—about being too sensitive, overreacting, or not deserving of help—was never the truth. By giving yourself permission to feel and acknowledge the full weight of what happened, you can start to heal the emotional scars that have been buried under layers of minimization.
Recognizing your story as valid is the first step toward healing—and therapy provides the tools to get there.
Letting Go of Shame as an Abuse Survivor
Shame is one of the heaviest emotions survivors carry. It can settle deeply in your body and mind, casting a long shadow over your ability to see yourself clearly. Society often perpetuates the harmful idea that victims of abuse are somehow responsible for what happens to them—that they should have known better, acted differently, or “done something” to prevent it. This misconception is rooted in harmful stereotypes and victim-blaming narratives that leave survivors feeling isolated, ashamed, and unworthy of support.
Shame can be paralyzing. It convinces you that seeking help will expose your “flaws” or “failures,” further deepening the belief that you’re unworthy of love, care, or understanding. It keeps you stuck in a cycle of silence and self-judgment, preventing you from asking for the support you need to heal.
How Therapy Helps:
Therapy flips the script on shame. Through compassionate conversations, a therapist can help you untangle the deeply rooted beliefs that keep you locked in a cycle of shame. They will validate your pain and help you recognize that the abuse was the result of the abuser’s choices—not yours.
You are not your abuse. Your worth is not tied to what you have lived through. You are more than your experiences. Therapy also helps you challenge the internalized shame that keeps you feeling “broken” or “weak.” Over time, you’ll begin to see yourself as resilient, not as someone who failed, but as someone who survived—someone who has the strength to heal and rebuild their life on their own terms.
Therapy can help you reclaim your story.
Denial and Repression: How Therapy Helps Uncover Hidden Emotions
When we experience trauma, the brain often steps in to protect us from the overwhelming emotional pain. Sometimes, this protection takes the form of repression, where memories or feelings are pushed deep down, and you may not even realize the extent of what happened because the emotions are buried beneath the surface. Other times, denial plays a more conscious role, convincing yourself that “it wasn’t that bad” or that you're “overreacting” as a way to avoid the emotional weight of the situation.
The tools we use to protect ourselves in the short-term can do lasting damage in the long-term. Over time, these mechanisms can block the healing process, preventing you from fully processing what happened. The more you repress or deny, the more difficult it becomes to acknowledge your pain and start the healing journey.
How Therapy Helps:
Therapy can help you name your experiences. By talking with someone who has experience in the different ways that abuse can show up in a relationship, you can learn to better identify abuse and then work on the ways in which it has impacted you.
Through this process, many survivors discover that facing the truth—though incredibly hard—brings a profound sense of relief and freedom. One of the great psychiatrists and educators of our time, Dan Siegel, uses the phrase “name it to tame it.” Clarity is crucial for healing: recognizing the abuse for what it was helps you to rebuild trust in your instincts and self-worth, rather than questioning or invalidating your experience.
This clarity can be transformative. It allows you to rebuild trust in your instincts and take steps to protect yourself in the future. Therapy isn’t just about looking back—it’s about moving forward with confidence and clarity.
Take Steps Toward Healing
If any of this feels familiar, you’re not alone. Healing from abuse is a journey, and therapy can be a powerful tool to help you navigate it. Whether you’re struggling with shame, guilt, or just figuring out where to start, therapy offers a safe space to explore your feelings.
To support you, schedule a free 15-minute consultation to help you decide if therapy feels right for you. Let’s chat about what you’re looking for and how I can help.
If you’re looking for more resources, you can read more here or these books are a great place to start:
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
Should I Stay or Should I Go? by Ramani Durvasula
Healing starts with one small step. Whether it’s reaching out for help, reading a book, or scheduling that first therapy session, you’re already moving forward.
You’re stronger than you realize—and you don’t have to do this alone.