Post-Traumatic Growth: Healing, Identity, and Self-Compassion After Trauma
The Work That Comes After Trauma
Healing from trauma is not just about moving past pain—it’s about transformation. It isn’t just about moving forward—it’s about making sense of who you are after everything you’ve been through.While trauma can leave deep wounds, the process of working through it can also reveal profound strength, resilience, and self-awareness. This process is called post-traumatic growth —the idea that through healing, we can emerge stronger, more self-aware, and more deeply connected to ourselves and others.
But growth doesn’t happen simply by pushing past pain. It requires us to slow down, look inward, and build a compassionate relationship with all parts of ourselves—including the aspects that cause us trouble or we wish would just disappear.
Many survivors struggle with self-compassion, dismissing it as something nice in theory but impossible in practice. Clients often say:
“I know I should be kinder to myself, but I don’t know how.”
“I know my inner critic is harsh, but it’s the only thing keeping me accountable.”
“I don’t want to just ‘accept’ myself—I want to change.”
The gap between knowing something intellectually and feeling it emotionally can be the hardest part of healing. Self-compassion is not just about accepting who you are—it’s about understanding why you are the way you are.
Instead of seeing yourself as permanently stuck in patterns shaped by trauma, what if you could approach yourself with curiosity? What if the things you struggle with—your inner critic, your anxious tendencies, your difficulty trusting—weren’t signs of personal failure but instead adaptive responses to past pain?
Self-compassion is not about ignoring flaws or accepting harmful behaviors. It’s about understanding why we think, feel, and react the way we do—and recognizing that even our harshest self-judgments come from parts of us that are trying to protect us in some way.
Post-Traumatic Growth: Strength Through Healing
Trauma changes us, but it does not have to define us. Post-traumatic growth is the idea that through working with trauma—rather than avoiding or suppressing it—we can develop:
A deeper sense of personal strength (“If I survived that, I can survive anything.”)
A greater appreciation for life (“I don’t take the small joys for granted anymore.”)
Stronger, more meaningful relationships (“I now know what real safety and connection feel like.”)
A clearer sense of purpose (“My experiences have shaped me, and I want to use them to help others.”)
New possibilities for the future (“I am not limited to what happened to me.”)
But to reach this stage of growth, we must first tend to the parts of ourselves that are still holding onto survival patterns.
Understanding Your Inner Landscape
Our past experiences don’t just shape our behaviors; they also shape the different parts of ourselves that try to protect us. These protective instincts often stem from survival mechanisms developed in response to childhood trauma, emotional neglect, or relational abuse. We all have different inner voices and patterns that influence how we respond to the world. These might include:
The Inner Critic – The voice that constantly points out flaws, often as a way to prevent failure or rejection.
The Protector – The part that keeps us guarded, avoiding intimacy or vulnerability to prevent further pain.
The Overachiever – The part that believes working harder will prove our worth or prevent abandonment.
The Wounded Inner Child – The part that carries the raw pain of past neglect, betrayal, or unmet needs.
These parts exist for a reason. They developed in response to past experiences, trying to keep us safe—even if their methods now cause more harm than good. Instead of rejecting these parts, healing means getting curious about them.
For example:
Your inner critic may be trying to protect you from external criticism by keeping you “in line.”
Your anxiety may be a survival response, keeping you hyper-aware of potential danger.
Your avoidance of conflict may be rooted in a past where speaking up led to harm.
When we shift from self-judgment to curiosity, we start to see ourselves differently. We recognize that even our most frustrating patterns are adaptations—strategies our mind created to protect us at some point in our lives. Rather than trying to silence or fight these reactions, what if you listened to them instead? By approaching these parts of yourself with understanding instead of judgment, you can begin to heal each part of yourself.
Rebuilding Identity After Trauma through Compassion
Trauma often distorts our sense of self, leaving us feeling disconnected or lost. Many survivors experience a crisis of identity, asking:
Do I even know who I am outside of this trauma?
Am I just the person who “gets through” hard things?
How do I figure out what I actually want from life?
We can rebuild our sense of self, and enjoy the benefits of post-traumatic growth through dedicated and continual self-compassion. This does not come easy to many trauma survivors. Self-compassion isn’t just about thinking kinder thoughts—it’s about actively working with ourselves in a way that fosters change.
1. Notice and Name Your Inner Patterns
When you feel overwhelmed, pause and ask: What part of me is speaking right now?
Label it gently: “This is my critic,” or “This is my protector stepping in.”
Naming your patterns creates a bit of space between you and your reactions.
2. Get Curious Instead of Critical
Instead of saying, “I hate that I’m so anxious,” try: “What is this anxiety trying to protect me from?”
Instead of saying, “I need to stop being so sensitive,” try: “What does this sensitive part of me need right now?”
Curiosity shifts us from judgment to understanding.
3. Offer Your Parts What They Need
If your inner critic is trying to keep you safe, reassure it that you are capable of handling challenges without self-punishment.
If your protector part is keeping you from vulnerability, show it that safety is possible in relationships built on trust.
If your wounded inner child needs comfort, give yourself the kindness you never received.
Healing and Growth Are Not Opposites
Many survivors worry that accepting themselves as they are means they’ll stop growing. In reality, self-compassion is what allows for deeper transformation.
Post-traumatic growth isn’t about “getting over” trauma—it’s about integrating what you’ve been through into a stronger, wiser, more self-aware version of yourself. It’s about recognizing that all of your responses—your anxiety, your fear, your inner criticism—are rooted in survival. And that survival was necessary.
But you are not in survival mode anymore.
With curiosity and self-compassion, you can move from just getting by to truly thriving.
In therapy, we work to reconnect with your authentic self—the version of you that exists beyond survival mode. Together, we explore:
How your past has shaped your identity—without letting it define you.
The values that truly matter to you, not just the ones you were conditioned to hold
Incorporating daily accountability, in identifying and breaking harmful patterns
Building internal and external sources of encouragement, on those days when it just feels hard and as you learn to trust yourself
How to make meaning from your experiences and build a life aligned with who you want to be.
Click here to read more about the work we can do with identity exploration in the aftermath.
Click here to book a free consultation to discuss your options.
Breaking Free from Self-Blame After Emotional or Narcissistic Abuse
Self-blame is one of the deepest and most complicated wounds left by an abusive relationship. It represent one of the biggest ways in which abusive relationships change you, and one of the hardest wounds to heal. Even after the abuse ends, it can shape how you see yourself, making healing feel like an uphill battle. But self-blame isn’t failure—it’s a survival response. Understanding where it comes from and why can help you break free and reclaim your self-worth.
Why Do Abuse Survivors Blame Themselves? Understanding the Psychology of Self-Blame
The Legacy of Childhood Abuse: Why We Internalize Blame
For those who grew up with narcissistic, emotionally unavailable, or abusive caregivers, self-blame often begins in childhood. As children, we cannot emotionally or physically separate from our parents—we need them for survival. Because of this, we develop an idealized image of them, convincing ourselves that they are good, loving, and capable of meeting our needs.
It is more dangerous for us to recognize abuse for what it is than it is to mould our version of them to maintain the relationship. When caregivers are neglectful or abusive, it creates a painful conflict:
If they are the problem, our sense of safety is at risk.
To maintain the bond, we shift blame inward.
When caregivers behave in ways that are neglectful, cruel, or abusive, it creates a devastating conflict: if they are the problem, then our sense of safety and attachment are at risk. The only way to maintain the bond is to shift the blame inward. “If I were better, they would love me more.” “If I didn’t make mistakes, they wouldn’t get so angry.” This pattern of self-blame as self-preservation can follow us into adulthood, priming us to accept mistreatment in relationships and is one of the defining features of those who feel like they are perpetually trapped in abusive relationships.
Why Self-Blame Feels Safer in Abusive Relationships
In toxic relationships, accepting blame can feel like a survival strategy. Abusers are often rigid in their worldview, believing they are always right. They rewrite reality through gaslighting, manipulation, and emotional coercion. Over time, you may find it easier to accept their version of events rather than fight an exhausting, unwinnable battle.
Self-blame becomes a way to minimize conflict, but it comes at a cost:
Losing trust in your own perception
Silencing your needs
Feeling constantly at fault
The Illusion of Control: How Self-Blame Keeps you Stuck
Living through emotional abuse is unpredictable and deeply destabilizing. It’s hard to know what to believe - about your abuser, yourself, or the relationship. Those caught in these dynamics often search for something solid—something they can control to make things better. Self-blame becomes that anchor.
If you believe that you are the problem, then you also believe that you hold the power to fix it. In a world of chaos, this illusion can feel like a lifeline. But the illusion of control keeps you striving, overworking, and constantly adjusting to prevent the next explosion. You tell yourself:
“If I just communicate better, they won’t get so upset.”
“If I don’t bring up my feelings, things will stay peaceful.”
“If I try harder to meet their needs, they will finally see my worth.”
But no matter how much effort you put in, the goalposts keep moving. The real issue is not you—it’s the abuser’s unwillingness to take responsibility.
When Self-Blame Becomes Shame: Gaslighting Yourself
Self-blame doesn’t just stay internal. Over time, it manifests outwardly as shame—the belief that you are inherently broken, unworthy, or unlovable. This shame keeps survivors stuck in silence, afraid to reach out, feeling like they somehow “allowed” the abuse to happen.
This is one of the biggest tasks in the therapy journey: untangling what was never yours to carry. It’s difficult enough to be gaslighted by someone else, but when self-blame and shame take over, you begin gaslighting yourself. Your mind replays past events with regret, guilt, and self-criticism, asking:
“Why didn’t I leave sooner?”
“Why didn’t I see the red flags?”
“Why did I keep trying to make it work?”
Healing means shifting from self-punishment to self-compassion. Instead of being stuck in what you "should have done," you can choose to move forward by living a life aligned with your values—not controlled by past abuse. The goal isn’t just to escape blame but to place responsibility where it actually belongs. Instead of punishing yourself for the past, focus on reclaiming your future.
Moving Forward and Reclaim Yourself
5 Powerful Ways to Stop Self-Blame and Heal from Abuse
1. Recognize the Pattern
Self-blame isn’t a reflection of truth—it’s a learned response. Start noticing when these thoughts arise and remind yourself that blame belongs to the abuser, not you. This takes practice and dedication, journaling, catching yourself, workign through the cascade of feelings can all help you recognize (and ultimately stop) the pattern.
2. Practice Self-Compassion
Instead of criticizing yourself for what you should have done, acknowledge the strength it took to survive. Speak to yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend.
3. Challenge the Illusion of Control
Remind yourself that no amount of effort or perfection could have changed someone unwilling to change themselves. This can mirror the work done with friends, caregivers, and loved ones of addicts - no amount of effort, reasoning, or love can force an addict to get sober—that decision must come from them. Similarly, in abusive relationships, survivors often believe that if they just say the right thing, act a certain way, or avoid conflict, they can "fix" the situation. In both abusive relationships and codependent dynamics with addicts, the first step toward healing is realizing that you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it.
4. Seek Support
Shame and self blame flourish in the darkness. Finding a supportive space where you can share your experiences, bring light to the darkness, or just get a ‘reality check’ from a trusted person when needed can be critical in the healing journey. Healing doesn’t happen in isolation. Therapy can be a powerful space to unpack internalized self-blame and rebuild self-trust.
5. Reclaim Your Narrative
You are more than your past. There is a grief that comes with letting go and grieving is a process. t’s painful to acknowledge that no amount of effort could have changed the past, that the love or fairness you longed for may never come from the person who harmed you. But while grief is necessary, staying stuck in regret isn’t.
At some point, we must choose to move forward—not because the past doesn’t matter, but because our future does. Healing means shifting focus from what was lost to what is still possible. You still have time to reclaim your voice, build self-trust, and create a life that aligns with your values. The story isn’t over—you get to write the next chapter.
Healing from Abuse: Releasing Self-Blame and Rebuilding Confidence
Healing means moving beyond the regret of the past and choosing to live in a way that honors your truth, your boundaries, and your worth. It’s about letting go of blame and stepping into self-trust.
Therapy can provide the support and guidance you deserve. If you're ready to start this journey, reach out. You don’t have to navigate this alone.If you are struggling with self-blame after abuse, you are not alone—and you are not at fault.
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Therapy-Based Approach to Recovery
Breaking Free and Rebuilding Your Life
Healing from narcissistic abuse is complicated and a deeply personal journey. Living with a narcissist is like living in a house of mirrors, and the healing journey can feel just as disturbing. The aftereffects of this type of abuse show up often when you least expect it, in big ways and small, and very often feel like a burden that you can’t shake off. Survivors live with self-doubt, shame, and confusion after living through the manipulation and invalidation of narcissism.
To heal often means picking apart your experiences to piece yourself back together. What was it that happened to me? How did it affect me? How can I move forward? And how do I make sure it doesn’t happen again?
While the process takes time, with the right tools and support, survivors can rebuild, reconnect with their values, and come out even stronger. Healing isn’t just about moving on—it’s about stepping into who you truly are and creating a life that finally feels like your own.
Step 1: Accepting the Reality of the Abuse
The hardest part is often just fully accepting that it happened. Relationships (even when healthy!) are messy, and the cognitive dissonance of reconciling someone you felt love and connection with to the harm, cruelty, and manipulation you endured is hard to come to terms with.
This difficulty is amplified by many of the tactics of narcissistic abuse, in particular:
Gaslighting Effects – The abuser distorts reality so often that it becomes hard to trust your true experiences.
Blame – Narcissistic abusers love to shift blame, and many victims are made to feel too sensitive or as if they provoked abuse. As abuse wears you down, it becomes easier to believe that you are the problem.
Emotional Rollercoaster – Due to the cycle of abuse, its push and pull, survivors often recall the best moments of the relationship, feel a close connection to their abuser, and maintain a hope for change.
Recognizing that narcissistic abuse is a deliberate pattern of control—not a misunderstanding or personal failing—is the first step toward healing.
Step 2: Educating Yourself on Narcissistic Abuse
Knowledge is power. Understanding what you experienced is a critical step in helping you to reframe your experiences, dismantle self-blame, and recognize where the fault for abuse lies. It can also be incredibly validating.
Many people try to skip this step, especially if the relationship with the narcissist has ended, because they don’t want to relive the pain. Dissecting narcissistic abuse is difficult—it’s messy, uncomfortable, and emotionally draining. It’s completely understandable to want to move on without revisiting it.
But understanding what happened isn’t about dwelling on the past—it’s about learning from it, building resilience, and protecting yourself moving forward.
By recognizing these patterns, survivors gain clarity and validation, allowing them to move forward with a stronger sense of self and a healthier outlook on future relationships.
Step 3: Developing Protective Strategies
Once you can recognize the patterns of narcissistic abuse, you can begin to develop protective strategies to limit further emotional harm. This is particularly important if you choose to continue the relationship. Sometimes we can’t avoid co-parenting with a narcissist or do not feel able to cut ties completely.
Protective Strategies Include:
Setting Boundaries – Firm, non-negotiable boundaries are essential when dealing with a narcissist. This may include limiting conversations, refusing to engage in arguments, or establishing clear emotional and physical space.
Gray Rock Method – If no contact isn’t possible, the gray rock technique—remaining emotionally unresponsive and uninteresting to the abuser—can help minimize their control.
Going No Contact (If Possible) – Cutting off all communication is often the most effective way to break free from a narcissist’s influence. This can be challenging but is sometimes necessary for true healing.
Recognizing Hoovering Attempts – Abusers often try to regain control through false apologies, guilt trips, or love-bombing. Understanding these tactics helps you stay firm in your boundaries.
Step 4: Processing the Impact of Abuse
Narcissistic abuse doesn’t just affect relationships—it deeply impacts a survivor’s sense of self-worth, emotional regulation, and ability to trust others. Therapy can help survivors unpack the trauma and rebuild their confidence.
Areas of Focus in Therapy May Include:
Rebuilding Self-Trust – Learning to trust one’s perceptions and emotions again after prolonged gaslighting.
Addressing C-PTSD Symptoms – Managing emotional flashbacks, hypervigilance, and self-doubt.
Challenging Negative Self-Beliefs – Shifting from internalized shame to self-compassion.
Breaking Toxic Relational Patterns – Understanding and healing attachment wounds that may have made the survivor susceptible to narcissistic abuse.
Step 5: Reclaiming Identity and Personal Power
The final stage of healing is about more than just moving on—it’s about reclaiming who you are beyond the abuse.
When we are immersed in a relationship with a narcissist, we often feel we have lost so much time managing the abuser’s emotions and expectations that we have lost touch with our own needs, desires, and dreams.
Ways to Rebuild Identity Include:
Rediscovering Personal Interests and Passions
Building a Supportive Community – Surrounding oneself with safe, validating relationships.
Practicing Self-Compassion and Self-Care – Developing routines that reinforce self-worth.
Empowering Oneself Through Boundaries and Self-Advocacy
Healing from narcissistic abuse isn’t about returning to who you were before—it’s about emerging stronger, wiser, and more aligned with your authentic self.
Taking the Next Step in Your Healing Journey
Recovery from narcissistic abuse is not linear, and healing takes time. If you're ready to gain clarity, rebuild your confidence, and break free from toxic patterns, I offer guidance and support tailored to survivors.
Read the second article: Who Do Narcissists Target? Understanding Patterns, Attachment Styles, and Emotional Abuse Dynamics
Understanding C-PTSD: Symptoms, Triggers, and Healing for Survivors
What Is Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder? Could I have C-PTSD?
Trauma isn’t always about a single, life-altering event like a car crash, natural disaster, or combat. For many, trauma happens repeatedly over time—this is known as chronic trauma. It can take many forms, such as childhood abuse, long-term emotional neglect, or domestic violence. While PTSD is typically linked to a single shocking event, complex PTSD (C-PTSD) develops from prolonged exposure to trauma, particularly in relationships. Over time, it can affect self-worth, emotional regulation, and the way you connect with others.
A lot of people don’t even realize their experiences count as trauma or that they’re still dealing with the effects. You survived—so everything should be fine now, right? But when trauma shapes who you are, it can be tricky to recognize its impact. Unlike PTSD, which can have more obvious signs like flashbacks or nightmares, C-PTSD tends to show up in more subtle but powerful ways:
People-pleasing behaviors – Constantly prioritizing others' needs over your own.
Struggles with boundaries – Finding it difficult to say no or recognizing toxic relationships.
Negative self-talk – Chronic feelings of unworthiness or self-doubt.
Repeated patterns in relationships – Seeking out or tolerating unhealthy dynamics.
A lot of people with childhood trauma don’t seek help because they don’t want to dig up painful memories. But the truth is, trauma doesn’t always stay in the past—it can pop up at major life moments, like breakups, marriage, or having kids. Major life transitions can be the catalyst that pushes you into recognizing or facing the impact that the past is having on your present. This is the first step towards healing.
PTSD shapes how you react to the world around you; C-PTSD shapes how you see yourself.
The concept of C-PTSD emerged thanks to the groundbreaking work of Dr. Judith Herman, a psychiatrist and trauma researcher. In her 1992 book Trauma and Recovery, she argued that the existing definition of PTSD didn’t fully capture the experiences of individuals who had endured long-term, inescapable trauma—especially trauma that occurred in relationships, such as childhood abuse or domestic violence. Unlike PTSD, which is often rooted in a fear of reliving a single event, C-PTSD profoundly affects a person’s sense of identity, emotional regulation, and relationships.
PTSD vs. C-PTSD: What’s the Difference?
While both PTSD and C-PTSD stem from trauma, C-PTSD is more deeply tied to prolonged, repeated exposure rather than a single traumatic event. Here’s how they differ:
PTSD
Caused by a single traumatic event (e.g., an accident, natural disaster, or assault).
Main symptom clusters are :
Intrusive memories - include flashbacks, nightmares, unwanted reminders.
Avoidance - avoiding people, places or things that may cause an intrusive memory.
Hypervigilance - being watchful, on guard, jumpy or easily startled.
Negative changes in Mood and Thinking - blaming yourself, sadness, can often look like depression
C-PTSD
Caused by long-term trauma (e.g., childhood neglect, domestic abuse, repeated emotional abuse).
Symptoms include all PTSD symptoms plus emotional dysregulation, interpersonal difficulties, and negative self-concept. This can vary between individuals, but may look like :
Dysregulation – intense mood swings, overwhelming emotions, or feeling numb.
Distorted Self-Perception – chronic shame, guilt, or a feeling of being "broken."
Interpersonal Struggles – difficulty trusting others, fear of abandonment, or unhealthy relationship patterns.
Dissociation & Memory Gaps – feeling detached from yourself or struggling to recall traumatic events.
Negative Beliefs About the Self – feeling unworthy of love, safety, or success.
It's important to remember that PTSD and C-PTSD, although classified as mental health disorders, were ultimately your body’s way of trying to protect you. Your brain adapted to help you survive, whether by heightening your awareness, numbing emotions, or avoiding painful memories. These responses at one time may have been necessary for survival, can become disruptive over time. Recognizing that these patterns were once protective mechanisms, not personal failings, is key to shifting toward healing.
How C-PTSD Changes the Brain
Long-term trauma rewires the brain. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk expanded on these ideas in his book The Body Keeps the Score. He emphasized that trauma isn't just stored as a memory—it physically changes the brain and nervous system. This is why survivors of complex trauma often experience hypervigilance, emotional numbness, or difficulties regulating emotions long after escaping the abusive situation.
Studies show that C-PTSD can cause changes in three key areas:
Amygdala (Fight-or-Flight Center): Becomes hyperactive, making people more prone to fear responses and emotional reactivity.
Hippocampus (Memory & Learning): Shrinks in size, making it harder to differentiate past from present trauma.
Prefrontal Cortex (Logical Thinking & Emotional Regulation): Struggles to keep emotions in check, leading to impulsivity and difficulty managing distress.
This is why healing is more than just "thinking positive"—it involves retraining the brain and nervous system to feel safe again.
Healing from C-PTSD: Steps Toward Recovery
C-PTSD can make it feel like your trauma defines you, but that’s not the case. The effects of long-term abuse and neglect are real—but so is your capacity for resilience and growth. By understanding how prolonged trauma affects the brain you can take steps toward reclaiming your sense of safety, self-worth, and autonomy.
Here’s what can help:
1. Recognizing Your Reactions and That They Make Sense
The first, and for many hardest, step towards recovery is recognizing what the problem is. That means getting deeply familiar with your trauma responses and how your experiences have shaped the way you see yourself and others. By recognizing these responses and how they made sense for you, we can build self-compassion. Self-blame only reinforces the shame that abusers instill.
2. Processing Trauma Safely
Trauma-Informed Therapy – Survivors need spaces where they feel secure enough to explore painful memories and develop healthier coping strategies. Finding that ‘right fit’ therapist and having a strong foundation of trust allows for deeper emotional processing and the ability to rebuild a sense of safety in the world.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) – EMDR helps survivors process traumatic memories by using guided eye movements to reduce the intensity of distressing memories. This therapy helps rewire the brain’s response to trauma, allowing individuals to recall past experiences without being overwhelmed by them.
3. Relearning Trust and Boundaries
Many survivors struggle to identify healthy relationships, often feeling drawn to familiar but toxic dynamics. Building self-awareness helps in distinguishing between safe and unsafe relationships, developing self-trust, and making choices that support emotional well-being. Over time, survivors can learn to trust their instincts, set clear boundaries, and cultivate connections that uplift and support them rather than perpetuate cycles of harm.
4. Self-Compassion as a Daily Practice
Healing from trauma isn’t just about processing the past—it’s about learning to extend kindness to yourself in the present. Many survivors carry deep-seated self-criticism and internalized blame, feeling that they should “just get over it” or that they’re somehow flawed for struggling. Practicing self-compassion means recognizing that you are not stuck in the past—you are continuously growing and developing. Just as trauma shaped your responses, healing can reshape them. When you treat yourself with patience and understanding, you create space for new patterns to emerge.
Healing from C-PTSD is possible. By recognizing trauma responses, seeking support, and practicing self-compassion, you can take back control of your life.
If any of this resonates with you and you would like to explore further, you can book a free consultation here.
You can read more about the work I do with people healing from C-PTSD and trauma from relationships here.
Bottom-Up vs. Top-Down Therapy for Trauma: A Brain-Based Approach to Healing
Trauma therapy has evolved significantly over time, shaped by both psychological theory and advancements in neuroscience. Traditional talk therapy and psychoanalysis, which are top-down approaches, have long been used to help individuals make sense of their trauma through verbal processing. We talk about what happened, we analyze its effects, and make progress through understanding the experience more. However, research has shown that trauma is not just a cognitive experience—it is a full-body event that affects the nervous system, often beyond the reach of rational thought.
Bottom-up therapies work from this understanding, focusing on the body’s response first, rather than relying solely on cognitive processing. Many therapists, myself included, find that blending both top-down and bottom-up techniques creates the most effective healing process.
The Brain Under Trauma: When the Thinking Brain Shuts Down
One big reason cognitive-based therapies sometimes fall short is that trauma literally rewires the brain, making it hard to think clearly when you're in distress. Normally, information enters the brain through the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex (DLPFC), the part of the brain responsible for perspective-taking, problem-solving, decision-making, and impulse control—all the things that help us reflect rationally. But when trauma is triggered, those higher-level functions go offline.
Instead, the brain shifts into more primal survival mode, and thinking becomes way harder. When a traumatic memory or trigger pops up—whether it's from the past or in the present—your body reacts first, and your mind thinks later. As trauma expert Peter Levine puts it, you can't properly process thoughts when your body is telling you that you're standing in front of a tiger.
When trauma activates the body, the amygdala (the brain’s fear center) goes into overdrive, and the autonomic nervous system shifts into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode. This means:
The prefrontal cortex (our thinking brain) gets suppressed.
The amygdala (our brain’s alarm system) takes control, making fear and panic stronger.
The limbic system (emotional brain) dominates, leading to intense emotional and physical reactions.
In the aftermath of trauma, this experience is stored both in our memory and in our body, particularly in sensorimotor patterns—stuff like chronic tension, dissociation, or hypervigilance. This is why sometimes trauma survivors find it hard to control their emotions, feel safe, or think clearly, even when they know they aren’t in danger anymore.
Top-Down Therapy: The Role of Talk Therapy in Trauma Healing
Many of the people I work with want to talk about their trauma. They want to analyze it and understand its impact on them. To be able to move from the sometimes paralyzing impact of trauma to being able to talk about it freely, from a position of strength, is what feels like true trauma recovery for many.
Traditional top-down therapies, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Trauma-Focused CBT (TF-CBT), Psychoanalysis or Narrative Therapy & Written Exposure Therapy can be extremely useful for trauma survivors. These therapies help individuals gain insight, reframe distorted thoughts, and find meaning in their experiences.
These are some of the ways in which these type of therapies work -
Understanding the Trauma: Top-down approaches typically start by helping the person understand what happened, how it impacts their thinking, and how their perception of the traumatic event may be shaping their current experiences.
Understanding and Managing Intense Emotions: Trauma often leads to overwhelming emotions, including fear, anger, sadness, or shame. Top-down approaches aim to help individuals identify and process these emotions in a healthy way. This may involve techniques like emotion labeling, mindfulness, and self-compassion.
Cognitive Restructuring and Cognitive Behavioural Skillbuilding: One of the core components is challenging distorted or unhelpful thoughts that may have developed after trauma (e.g., feelings of guilt, shame, or worthlessness). We can teach specific skills to deal with triggers, stress, and trauma-related thoughts. Techniques like relaxation training, problem-solving, and thought-stopping help people manage their reactions when they are confronted with memories or stressors related to the trauma.
Exploring Beliefs and Identity: For many trauma survivors, their identity and worldview are altered by their experiences. Top-down treatments help clients process how their sense of self, relationships, and beliefs about the world may have been affected. This can involve exploring themes like trust, safety, power, and self-worth.
Reframing and Making Meaning of the Trauma: The ultimate goal is often to help create a new narrative around trauma. This means not just acknowledging the pain but also recognizing the strength, resilience, and the ways in which they have learned or grown from the experience. We move the trauma from being the whole story to becoming just part of a person’s life story.
The risk with top-down therapy is that it can sometimes end up as an avoidance strategy instead of a true healing process. Talking about trauma without connecting to the body can create a sense of distance, allowing people to analyze their experiences without fully feeling them. This can lead to emotional detachment, where people focus on understanding the trauma intellectually but avoid facing the deeper pain, fear, or anger that’s still stored in their bodies. By separating the mind from the emotions, the person might discuss the trauma without truly experiencing it. While this can offer clarity, it also prevents the emotional processing needed for real healing, leaving the individual feeling numb or disconnected. Without fully engaging with the emotions involved, the trauma can stay unresolved, hindering true recovery.
Bottom-Up Therapy: Engaging the Body to Heal Trauma
Bottom-up therapies focus on the body's sensations, movement, and nervous system regulation before diving into cognitive processing. These approaches understand that trauma is often stored in the body, particularly in non-verbal, implicit memories that don’t always surface through traditional talking therapies.
Some of the most effective bottom-up therapies include Somatic Experiencing (SE), which helps individuals release trauma by tuning into the body’s awareness and movement; Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), which uses bilateral stimulation to help the brain reprocess traumatic memories while staying connected to the body; Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, which incorporates body movement and posture into the healing process; and Polyvagal Therapy, which focuses on the autonomic nervous system to restore a sense of safety and connection.
By working from the bottom up, these therapies help regulate the nervous system first, creating a safe foundation that allows the brain to process trauma in a more grounded, logical way.
The Power of Combining EMDR with Talk Therapy
While bottom-up therapies are essential for deep trauma healing, they do not replace the need for cognitive integration. This is why I often combine EMDR with talk therapy:
Talk therapy helps process trauma verbally, gain perspective, and understand patterns.
EMDR and somatic work help release trauma stored in the nervous system.
However, what’s most important when starting therapy, is to go with what feels most natural. Every person’s trauma response is unique—and this means we may start in different places. Some people may feel ready to dive straight into EMDR, and we might very well end up with deep analysis along the way. Conversely, others may start with traditional talking therapy, only to discover as they progress that talking is only getting them so far, and they want to explore EMDR or other somatic therapies to release it. There’s no "right" order, and therapy doesn’t have to be rigid.
Finding the Right Approach for You
Here are some questions to consider before embarking on therapy for trauma -
When I imagine a successful therapy session, what is happening?
Do I want or feel the need to talk about happening? Would that feel like a relief?
Have I, in the past, analyzed or intellectualized my experiences to avoid feeling?
Do I notice any physical symptoms of trauma, such as tension, disassociation or panic? Are there any hidden symptoms?
Have I felt stuck in talk therapy before, like its just not working?
The key is to work with a therapist who listens deeply to your needs, assesses your comfort level, and supports you through the process. A skilled therapist will know when to gently push you outside your comfort zone, but they will always maintain a sense of safety. I believe therapy should sometimes be a little hard, because that’s where the healing happens. But that challenge needs to occur within a trusting, sensitive relationship that has a strong foundation of safety and mutual respect. Therapy should feel like a partnership, not something that feels fixed or trapped. The goal is to find a path that works best for you and to honor where you’re at in your healing journey.
We can discuss this further and you can see if we are a good fit for therapy by scheduling a free consultation here.
If you would like to learn more about how I like to integrate EMDR and talk therapy you can read more here.
Healing is not just about understanding trauma—it’s about experiencing safety again, in both the brain and body.
Why EMDR Intensives Make Sense for Survivors of Domestic Violence and Emotional Abuse
EMDR Intensives: A Fast-Track to Healing from Relational Trauma
Relational trauma—whether from domestic violence, emotional abuse, or other toxic relationship dynamics—can become deeply embedded within us. For many, this leads to symptoms of Complex PTSD (CPTSD) or persistent patterns of distress that impact self-worth, relationships, and daily life. These experiences shape our beliefs about ourselves and the world, often in ways that keep us stuck in cycles of fear, self-doubt, or hypervigilance.
While weekly therapy can be incredibly beneficial, survivors often find themselves 'holding back the tide' of pain, managing daily stressors without ever truly breaking free. EMDR intensives offer an alternative—a way to address deep-rooted trauma in a focused, transformative way, allowing for lasting change rather than just week-to-week coping.
There are also what I call ‘sweet-spots’ in your healing journey - those moments when you have the capacity and the desire to reflect on your experiences. In the aftermath of a relationship, after divorce, break-up, death, or any other natural transition in life, there is a small moment of peace where we can reflect. When we fail to maximize on this time, it gets lost as life sweeps us away. Our negative intrinsic beliefs about ourselves and the patterns we carry kick back into action.
Understanding EMDR and Why a Bottom-Up Approach is Important
Traditional talk therapy often works in a 'top-down' way, engaging logic and reasoning to process emotional wounds. Let’s talk about what happened to understand it. However, relational trauma is deeply stored in the nervous system. Survivors of emotional abuse or domestic violence often know their past experiences were damaging, but that awareness alone doesn’t always stop the trauma from affecting their emotions, relationships, and daily life. Sometimes we can avoid truly healing and feeling our pain by the intellectual exercise of talk therapy.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a 'bottom-up' therapy, meaning it engages the brain and body in reprocessing traumatic memories at their root. Instead of merely talking about what happened, EMDR helps shift how those experiences feel—reducing distress, altering negative beliefs, and freeing you from patterns that no longer serve you.
EMDR intensives take this a step further by condensing months of healing into just a few days, allowing you to process trauma in a more cohesive and structured way, making the most of that ‘sweet spot’ when you have the time, capacity, and desire to heal.
The Pain of Feeling Stuck—and How EMDR Intensives Help
Many survivors of relational trauma experience therapy as an ongoing battle—feeling like they’re just managing symptoms rather than truly healing. Many find themselves entering into other toxic relationships, as patterns repeat. Common struggles include:
Feeling stuck in survival mode: Anxiety, hypervigilance, and emotional overwhelm can make it hard to move forward.
Struggling with negative self-beliefs: Messages learned through trauma ('I’m not good enough,' 'I’m unlovable,' 'I can’t trust anyone') linger long after the relationship ends.
Coping instead of thriving: Weekly therapy helps, but progress feels slow, and you’re still battling the same pain week after week.
Wanting change but fearing the process: The idea of confronting trauma can be daunting, leading to hesitancy about investing in deeper work.
An EMDR intensive is designed to break through these roadblocks. Instead of spreading out therapy in small weekly increments, an intensive offers:
A focused approach to resolving trauma-related beliefs and triggers.
Deeper reprocessing, addressing not just isolated events but the entire chain of impacts your trauma has had.
The ability to move beyond 'coping' into actual transformation—increasing self-trust, reducing distress, and gaining clarity on your healing journey.
Why an Intensive? The Investment in Your Healing
One of the biggest concerns people have about EMDR intensives is the cost. There’s no way around it—an intensive is a financial investment. However, when compared to the cost of ongoing weekly therapy, it can actually be a more cost-effective path to healing.
A single EMDR intensive can replicate what might take a year or more of traditional therapy. The focused, uninterrupted nature of intensives allows for more substantial progress, often making it a faster and more efficient way to heal. Many clients find that instead of paying for weekly sessions that keep them managing symptoms or the crisis of the week, an intensive allows them to move past trauma and require less therapy overall.
Who is Not a Good Fit for EMDR Intensives?
EMDR intensives are a powerful healing tool, but they aren’t right for everyone. You may not be a good fit if:
You are currently in an ongoing crisis or actively experiencing domestic violence.
You are struggling with severe dissociation, psychosis, addictions, or active suicidal thoughts.
You are not ready to invest in deep work—EMDR intensives require commitment and emotional resilience.
Intensives work best when you are at a place in your healing journey where you are ready to confront and shift old patterns. If you’re unsure, we can discuss whether an intensive or a different therapeutic approach is best for you.
What to Expect in an EMDR Intensive
An intensive condenses therapy into a shorter period, allowing for structured and effective work. By tackling processing in larger chunks of time, we minimize distractions, and transition time. In normal therapy, those ten minutes you spend getting settled and warming up into a session and the five minutes at the end talking about scheduling add up over time. With an intensive format, we lay the ground work to get in the zone quickly, stay there, and make the most out of the time.
My EMDR intensive programs include:
Pre-Intensive Prep: A 60-minute consultation to assess your needs, introduce grounding techniques, develop a sense of safety, and set clear goals.
Intensive Sessions (3 or 5 Days): 10 or 15 hours of one-on-one therapy, using EMDR, somatic practices, and parts work to reprocess trauma.
Post-Intensive Follow-Up: A 60-minute check-in one week or so later to assess progress and provide additional support.
Making the Choice to Heal
Healing from relational trauma isn’t about just getting through another week—it’s about reclaiming your sense of self, breaking free from painful cycles, and moving forward with confidence.
You can learn more about my EMDR intensive program here. If you’re ready to take the next step, schedule a free consultation to learn more about whether an intensive is right for you.
Unraveling the Past: Neurodivergency and the Complexity of Abuse in Relationships
A late diagnosis of autism or ADHD can feel like a revelation—finally, an explanation for why life has felt different, why certain struggles have persisted, and why relationships have often been confusing or painful. But alongside these answers, new questions emerge. This is particular true for those who have suffered abuse. Looking back, we begin to wonder: Is that neurodivergency, or is that a trauma response? Did my past experiences shape me, or was I always this way? How did neurodivergency play a role in my relationships? How much of myself have I hidden just to survive?
As a survivor learning more about neurodivergency, and complex trauma, more questions are raised. Untangling the impact of past relationships, self-perception, and identity can be incredibly complex.
Why Neurodivergent Women* Are More Vulnerable to Relational Trauma
Many neurodivergent women experience a pattern of difficult, confusing, or even abusive relationships. The reasons for this are layered but often include:
Masking as Survival – Many autistic and ADHD women learn early on that their natural ways of being—whether that’s intense emotions, sensory sensitivities, or social misunderstandings—are not always welcomed or accepted. They develop the ability to mask, to blend in, to become what others expect. This survival strategy can extend to relationships, leading women to mold themselves to fit a partner’s needs, suppress their own discomfort, and ignore red flags.
Difficulty Recognizing Red Flags – Many neurodivergent women take people at their word, may struggle with social nuance, or miss the slow, insidious nature of manipulation and control. Everyone is susceptible to an abuser, but gaslighting can be particularly effective against those who have already spent their lives questioning their own reactions and emotions.
Emotional Dysregulation and Trauma Responses – Emotional intensity, rejection sensitivity, and difficulty self-regulating can create a cycle where small conflicts escalate into deep wounds, making it harder to feel safe in relationships. Feeling unsafe can sometimes be ‘normal’, and for those with a trauma history, hypervigilance can make it difficult to distinguish between a real threat and past wounds resurfacing.
Attachment Wounds and Fear of Abandonment – Many neurodivergent women have experienced rejection or bullying in childhood. Trauma and shame often runs deep. As adults, they may tolerate unhealthy dynamics out of a deep fear of being alone, believing they must accept what they can get rather than risk isolation. Living a life believing that your experiences are ‘your fault’ creates an opening for an abuser to take advantage.
Looking Back: Was It Abuse, Neurodivergency, or both?
A diagnosis is often a relief. It provides context and clarity and can often explain so much. But a late diagnosis will often prompt a retrospective (and often painful) review of life events. We begin to examine past experiences and relationships with fresh eyes, asking:
Was I struggling in that relationship because of my neurodivergency, or was it toxic?
Was I misunderstood, or was I truly at fault?
How much of my trauma was caused by being neurodivergent in a world that didn’t understand me?
Have I been in survival mode for so long that I don’t even know who I really am?
Oftentimes there is not a simple answer. And processing them takes time. When we see ourselves clearly—beyond just the trauma, beyond just the diagnosis—we can begin to understand our patterns and break cycles that no longer serve us.
Healing and Reclaiming Identity
If you find yourself untangling these questions, know that it’s okay to not have all the answers yet. Healing is not about immediately resolving every conflict within yourself but rather about allowing space to explore, grieve, and rediscover who you are beneath the layers of trauma and masking.
Here are some ways to begin this journey:
Give Yourself Permission to Unmask – Learning to recognize your own needs, limits, and sensory preferences is a powerful first step in reclaiming your identity. It allows you to begin to trust yourself, and your instincts, and surround yourself by people you trust.
Explore Your Relationship Patterns – Understanding past dynamics can help you recognize what is healthy and what is not in current and future relationships.
Develop Self-Compassion – It’s easy to look back with regret or self-blame, but remembering that you were doing your best with the knowledge and tools you had at the time is essential for healing.
Seek Support in a Safe Space – Therapy or counseling with a neurodivergent-affirming and trauma-informed approach can provide guidance in this exploration.
What next?
If you’ve recently been diagnosed or suspect you may be neurodivergent, understanding the power of this self-discovery process is important. It is not just about who you are, but how that has impacted your experiences. The intersection of neurodivergency and relational trauma is complex, but in exploring this complexity lies the possibility for healing, growth, and a deeper sense of self-understanding.
If this is something that you would like to explore further, you can schedule a free 15 minute consultation to discuss here.
You can read more about the work I do with identity exploration here and in the space between neurodiversity and domestic violence and other relational trauma here.
I also plan to write more about the overlaps between ADHD, autism, and CPTSD and how to tease them apart, particularly relating to intimate relationships and abuse. Stay tuned!
*A Note on Language:
I use the term "neurodivergent women" in this post because this is where much of my professional experience lies. So many of the experiences I talk about are shaped by the way society treats and conditions women and girls. That said, I know that neurodivergence and gender don’t fit into neat boxes, so even if you don’t connect with the term “woman,” I hope you still find something helpful here.
I also choose to use identity-first language (like “neurodivergent person” instead of “person with neurodivergence”) since many people consider a diagnosis of any form of neurodivergence isn’t just something you have—it’s part of who you are. While some people prefer person-first language, I use the wording that feels most affirming to the community I work with.
Therapy for Abuse Survivors: Breaking Barriers and Finding Healing
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please prioritize safety. Call 911 or your local emergency number. You can also reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit their website at www.thehotline.org. They provide confidential support 24/7 and can help you create a safety plan or find local resources.
Deciding to start therapy or begin a healing journey after surviving abuse or domestic violence is a big step and there are many hurdles along the way. You might wrestle with feelings of shame, guilt, or fear—or wonder even if your experiences “count” as something therapy can help with. It’s easy to feel stuck, especially when these complex emotions cloud your ability to seek help.
Here’s the truth: you’re not alone, and your pain matters. So many survivors feel the same hesitation and doubt about starting therapy, but healing is possible—and therapy can be a powerful tool to help you get there. In this post, we’ll dive into common reasons survivors hesitate to seek therapy and show how therapy can help break down those barriers.
Fear of Not Being Understood in Therapy
Opening up about abuse is deeply personal, and the thought of being judged, doubted, or misunderstood can feel unbearable. You might wonder: Will she really get it? Will she believe me? Perhaps you've shared parts of your story before and been met with skepticism, blame, or outright dismissal (even from loved ones and people who care about us) —responses that subtly communicate that your pain is less valid, less important. Society, culture, and the media, spreading harmful myths and stereotypes, often minimizes or ignores the experiences of survivors, making it harder to trust that your pain is real and worthy of attention.
This fear makes complete sense. Survivors often internalize the dismissiveness they've encountered from people in their lives and from a culture that tends to downplay or make light of the impact of abuse. Over time, that internalized doubt can make it even harder to speak out again.
How Therapy Helps:
A therapist who works specifically with survivors has faced these fears alongside clients before. Unlike everyday conversations where people may not know how to respond or may unintentionally invalidate your experience, therapists are trained to listen with deep empathy and provide a space that’s free of judgment. Opening up about abuse isn’t just about saying what happened—it’s about acknowledging and processing the emotional, psychological, and physical toll it has taken on you.
Facing that fear and slowly beginning to express emotions that may feel too overwhelming or complex to share with others is one of the key tools of healing. Therapy provides you with a space to explore and reframe the internalized beliefs that abuse often leaves behind. A good therapist helps you separate the effects of the abuse from your own sense of self-worth, guiding you through tools and strategies that rebuild your confidence and resilience.
Minimizing Your Abuse: Therapy Can Help You Validate Your Pain
“It wasn’t that bad.”
“Other people have been through worse.”
“Maybe I’m overreacting.”
Sound familiar? Survivors often downplay their experiences as a way to cope or because they’ve been told it’s “not a big deal.” But here’s the thing: abuse is not just about bruises or violence. Emotional manipulation, control, and neglect are all forms of abuse, and they leave lasting scars. The messages from society, family, friends, and even the abuser, often echo in our minds: “It wasn’t that serious.” “You should be stronger.” “Other people have it worse.” These messages can perpetuate the cycle of self-doubt, causing survivors to question the legitimacy of their own pain. But what you experienced—whether it involved physical violence or subtle emotional manipulation—is real, valid, and deserving of care.
Minimization doesn’t just come from the outside world, either. It can come from within, as well. We may convince ourselves that the abuse wasn’t that bad, or that it didn’t really happen, as a way of protecting ourselves from the overwhelming pain. In these moments, we try to create a reality that feels safer, even if it’s distorted. This coping mechanism, though protective in the short term, can ultimately undermine our ability to trust ourselves and our instincts. Over time, minimizing the abuse can make it harder to recognize what we’ve truly endured—and even harder to ask for help.
How Therapy Helps:
Therapy helps you validate your feelings and recognize that your pain is real, no matter the circumstances or the messages you’ve internalized. Acknowledging the hurt and pain other people have caused you is in itself a big step.
In therapy we may gently try to reframe your perspective: “If a friend told you this happened to them, how would you respond?” This simple exercise can be incredibly powerful, allowing you to see your experience from the perspective of compassion and empathy, rather than self-blame. It helps you understand that, if this happened to someone you loved, you would never downplay or invalidate their pain—and the same compassion should be extended to yourself.
Through therapy, you begin to recognize that the story you’ve been telling yourself—about being too sensitive, overreacting, or not deserving of help—was never the truth. By giving yourself permission to feel and acknowledge the full weight of what happened, you can start to heal the emotional scars that have been buried under layers of minimization.
Recognizing your story as valid is the first step toward healing—and therapy provides the tools to get there.
Letting Go of Shame as an Abuse Survivor
Shame is one of the heaviest emotions survivors carry. It can settle deeply in your body and mind, casting a long shadow over your ability to see yourself clearly. Society often perpetuates the harmful idea that victims of abuse are somehow responsible for what happens to them—that they should have known better, acted differently, or “done something” to prevent it. This misconception is rooted in harmful stereotypes and victim-blaming narratives that leave survivors feeling isolated, ashamed, and unworthy of support.
Shame can be paralyzing. It convinces you that seeking help will expose your “flaws” or “failures,” further deepening the belief that you’re unworthy of love, care, or understanding. It keeps you stuck in a cycle of silence and self-judgment, preventing you from asking for the support you need to heal.
How Therapy Helps:
Therapy flips the script on shame. Through compassionate conversations, a therapist can help you untangle the deeply rooted beliefs that keep you locked in a cycle of shame. They will validate your pain and help you recognize that the abuse was the result of the abuser’s choices—not yours.
You are not your abuse. Your worth is not tied to what you have lived through. You are more than your experiences. Therapy also helps you challenge the internalized shame that keeps you feeling “broken” or “weak.” Over time, you’ll begin to see yourself as resilient, not as someone who failed, but as someone who survived—someone who has the strength to heal and rebuild their life on their own terms.
Therapy can help you reclaim your story.
Denial and Repression: How Therapy Helps Uncover Hidden Emotions
When we experience trauma, the brain often steps in to protect us from the overwhelming emotional pain. Sometimes, this protection takes the form of repression, where memories or feelings are pushed deep down, and you may not even realize the extent of what happened because the emotions are buried beneath the surface. Other times, denial plays a more conscious role, convincing yourself that “it wasn’t that bad” or that you're “overreacting” as a way to avoid the emotional weight of the situation.
The tools we use to protect ourselves in the short-term can do lasting damage in the long-term. Over time, these mechanisms can block the healing process, preventing you from fully processing what happened. The more you repress or deny, the more difficult it becomes to acknowledge your pain and start the healing journey.
How Therapy Helps:
Therapy can help you name your experiences. By talking with someone who has experience in the different ways that abuse can show up in a relationship, you can learn to better identify abuse and then work on the ways in which it has impacted you.
Through this process, many survivors discover that facing the truth—though incredibly hard—brings a profound sense of relief and freedom. One of the great psychiatrists and educators of our time, Dan Siegel, uses the phrase “name it to tame it.” Clarity is crucial for healing: recognizing the abuse for what it was helps you to rebuild trust in your instincts and self-worth, rather than questioning or invalidating your experience.
This clarity can be transformative. It allows you to rebuild trust in your instincts and take steps to protect yourself in the future. Therapy isn’t just about looking back—it’s about moving forward with confidence and clarity.
Take Steps Toward Healing
If any of this feels familiar, you’re not alone. Healing from abuse is a journey, and therapy can be a powerful tool to help you navigate it. Whether you’re struggling with shame, guilt, or just figuring out where to start, therapy offers a safe space to explore your feelings.
To support you, schedule a free 15-minute consultation to help you decide if therapy feels right for you. Let’s chat about what you’re looking for and how I can help.
If you’re looking for more resources, you can read more here or these books are a great place to start:
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
Should I Stay or Should I Go? by Ramani Durvasula
Healing starts with one small step. Whether it’s reaching out for help, reading a book, or scheduling that first therapy session, you’re already moving forward.
You’re stronger than you realize—and you don’t have to do this alone.
10 Years of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: Why This Book Is Still Essential Reading
It’s been (almost!) 10 years since Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson’s Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents was published, and its relevance remains as strong as ever. For those who have experienced dysfunctional family dynamics, found themselves stuck in unhealthy relationships, or struggled to co-parent with someone who lacks emotional maturity, this book continues to provide clarity, hope, and tools for healing.
But the book’s insights go far beyond parent-child relationships. Dr. Gibson also explores how emotional neglect and immature behavior ripple out into every aspect of life. Whether you’re healing from toxic family dynamics, working through the effects of emotional neglect, or breaking free from unhealthy patterns in your own relationships, the lessons in this book are as powerful today as they were a decade ago.
What Does “Emotionally Immature” Really Mean?
One of the foundational ideas in Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents is the concept of emotional immaturity. Dr. Gibson describes emotionally immature parents - “they have an oversimplified approach to life, narrowing situations down to fit their rigid coping skills. Having such a limited sense of self makes them egocentric and undermines their ability to be sensitive to other people’s needs and feelings.” These parents often lack empathy, emotional awareness, and the ability to provide consistent emotional support.
It’s important to note that emotional immaturity isn’t necessarily synonymous with narcissism or a personality disorder, though some emotionally immature parents may exhibit these traits. What matters most is the impact on the child.
For children of emotionally immature parents, the experience often involves feeling unseen, unworthy, or even burdened by the responsibility of managing their parent’s emotional state. Unfortunately, these dynamics don’t disappear once childhood ends. Instead, they tend to follow us into adulthood, influencing the way we see ourselves, relate to others, and even parent our own children.
How Emotional Neglect Shapes Future Relationships
One of the most powerful insights from Dr. Gibson’s book is the connection between childhood emotional neglect and difficulties in adult relationships. If you grew up with emotionally immature parents, you may unknowingly carry unresolved wounds into your adult life. Dr. Gibson explains this phenomenon succinctly: “People who lacked emotional engagement in childhood, men and women alike, often can’t believe that someone would want to have a relationship with them just because of who they are. They believe that if they want closeness, they must play a role that always puts the other person first.”
Many clients I have worked with have asked why childhood abuse may have left them vulnerable to toxic and abusive relationships later in life. Why does history repeat itself? Why do we tolerate abuse?
Familiarity: If chaos, manipulation, or neglect were constants in your childhood, you might unconsciously seek out similar dynamics in adulthood because they feel familiar—even if they’re harmful.
Low self-worth: Without emotional validation growing up, you may struggle to believe you deserve healthy, respectful relationships. This can leave you vulnerable to toxic or one-sided partnerships.
People-pleasing tendencies: Many children of emotionally immature parents learn to earn love through over-functioning or meeting others’ needs at the expense of their own. Unfortunately, this can make them easy targets for manipulative partners.
The good news is that recognizing these patterns can be a critical first step to breaking free from them.
Tools for Building Healthier Relationships
While Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents primarily addresses family dynamics, the tools Dr. Gibson provides are deeply applicable to all types of relationships, including romantic partnerships. Here are a few important strategies from the book:
Establishing Emotional Boundaries
Dr. Gibson emphasizes the importance of emotional boundaries, explaining that “action on your own behalf is the antidote to traumatic feelings of helplessness.” The freedom boundaries create helps you to protect your emotional energy and avoid being drawn into manipulative or toxic dynamics.Practicing Self-Validation
Instead of seeking constant approval from others, Dr. Gibson encourages readers to validate their own feelings and experiences. Learning to ‘wake up’ and truly experience your feelings, your values and your relationships can all make you less vulnerable to emotionally unhealthy partners.Reclaiming Your True Self
Emotionally immature relationships often erode a person’s sense of self, making us feel as if our true selves aren’t acceptable, which often leads to feelings of shame or self-doubt. By rediscovering who you are and embracing your true identity, you can build healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
Co-Parenting with an Abuser: Breaking the Cycle for Your Children
Co-parenting with an emotionally immature or abusive partner is undeniably challenging, but Dr. Gibson provides a framework for protecting your children from emotional harm while maintaining your own mental well-being.
Some key strategies include:
Modeling emotional maturity: Even if the other parent doesn’t provide validation, you can show your child that their feelings are valid and respected. This not only supports their emotional development but also sets a powerful example of healthy behavior.
Setting boundaries: Protect your child (and yourself) from toxic behaviors by establishing and maintaining firm boundaries and communicating effectively.
Encouraging emotional expression: Help your child name and process their emotions, equipping them with tools to navigate their own experiences.
These steps can help you break the cycle of emotional neglect, mitigate the harm of abuse, and create a healthier environment for your children.
Ready to Begin Your Healing Journey?
If any of what I’ve shared resonates with you, therapy might be the next step in your healing journey. As a mental health professional, I specialize in helping individuals navigate the long-term effects of emotionally immature parenting, abusive relationships, and help people re-find themselves and build healthier patterns in their relationships.
I offer a free 15-minute consultation to discuss your goals and explore how we can work together to achieve them.