Executive Dysfunction and Emotional Healing: Why Healing Feels Harder Sometimes
Why Does Healing Feel So Difficult?
Healing from trauma is never a straightforward journey, but for those who struggle with executive dysfunction, it can feel even more overwhelming. Whether due to ADHD, autism, Complex PTSD (C-PTSD), depression, or prolonged emotional stress, executive dysfunction can make it harder to stay organized, regulate emotions, and follow through on healing strategies.
This isn’t about willpower or motivation—it’s a neurological challenge that can add an extra layer of frustration to an already difficult process. If you’ve ever felt stuck in your healing journey, struggling to stay consistent, or frustrated by setbacks, you’re not alone.
What Is Executive Dysfunction?
Executive function refers to the brain's ability to plan, organize, regulate emotions, and follow through on tasks. When someone experiences executive dysfunction, they may struggle with:
Starting tasks, even ones they want to do
Maintaining focus on recovery work like journaling, therapy homework, or self-care
Regulating emotions, leading to overwhelm or shutdowns
Remembering important coping strategies and insights from therapy
Managing time effectively, making consistency difficult
These challenges often show up in people with ADHD, autism, trauma-related disorders, and depression. When it comes to emotional healing, executive dysfunction can make progress feel frustratingly slow.
How Trauma Impacts Executive Function
Trauma fundamentally changes brain function, especially in areas responsible for memory, emotional regulation, and decision-making. When someone has experienced prolonged stress or abuse, the brain stays in survival mode, prioritizing fight, flight, freeze, or fawn over long-term thinking.
This heightened stress state affects the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for executive functioning. As a result, trauma survivors may experience:
Impulsivity and difficulty planning
Emotional overwhelm and shutdowns
Disorganization and forgetfulness
Difficulty initiating or completing healing work
This neurological impact explains why even highly motivated survivors can feel stuck or inconsistent in their recovery.
How Executive Dysfunction Affects the Healing Process
Healing often involves tasks that require planning, emotional regulation, and follow-through—things that executive dysfunction makes challenging. Common struggles include:
Struggling to Start Healing Work
You may know what you need to do (journaling, setting boundaries, researching trauma recovery), but when it’s time to start, you feel completely stuck.
Inconsistent Progress
Some weeks, therapy and self-care feel manageable. Other times, exhaustion, avoidance, or distraction take over, leading to guilt and frustration.
Emotional Paralysis
You feel overwhelmed with emotions but struggle to process them in a structured way, leading to shutdowns instead of active healing.
Forgetting What Works
Even after learning helpful coping strategies, it’s easy to forget or abandon them during stressful moments, making it feel like you’re "starting over" repeatedly.
Making Healing More Accessible
If executive dysfunction is making healing harder, the problem isn’t you—it’s the approach. Here’s how to work with your brain rather than against it:
Lower the Barrier to Entry – Instead of setting big, overwhelming healing goals, try smaller, more achievable ones. (Example: If journaling feels impossible, try voice-memo reflections instead.)
Use External Reminders – Sticky notes, alarms, or therapy-friendly apps can help reinforce what you’re learning.
Allow for Imperfect Progress – Healing isn’t linear, and consistency looks different for everyone. Celebrate any forward movement.
Focus on One Small Change at a Time – Instead of overhauling your entire healing routine, focus on just one manageable shift.
Have a “Reset Plan” – Instead of feeling defeated when you lose momentum, create a simple plan to help yourself get back on track.
How Therapy Can Help with Trauma and Executive Dysfunction
While self-help tools can be invaluable, healing doesn’t have to be a solo effort. Therapy provides a structured, supportive space to navigate the challenges of trauma recovery and executive dysfunction.
What Therapy Can Offer:
Accountability & Gentle Guidance – When executive dysfunction makes it hard to follow through, having someone to check in with can help maintain momentum.
Breaking Down Overwhelming Steps – A therapist can break the healing process into smaller, more manageable pieces, making it feel less daunting.
Encouragement & Emotional Support – Healing is difficult, and self-criticism can be a huge barrier. A therapist helps reframe setbacks as part of the process and offers compassion along the way.
Tools for Emotional Regulation – Learning coping strategies tailored to both trauma and executive dysfunction can make emotional processing feel more accessible.
A Safe Place to Process Trauma – Therapy provides a space where survivors can work through their experiences without judgment or pressure.
Many people with executive dysfunction blame themselves for struggling with healing, but having trouble doesn’t mean you’re failing—it means you may need a different approach. Therapy can be a lifeline, offering the structure and encouragement needed to move forward, even when progress feels slow.
Final Thoughts: Healing at Your Own Pace
If you struggle with executive dysfunction while healing from trauma, it’s not a reflection of your commitment to healing—it’s a reflection of how your brain has learned to survive. But healing is possible, especially with the right support.
You are not lazy or unmotivated.
You don’t have to “fix” yourself overnight.
Healing works best when it aligns with how your brain functions.
With therapy, self-compassion, and practical strategies, you can move forward in a way that works for you. You don’t have to do this alone.
ADHD and CPTSD: Trauma, Neurodivergence, and Abusive Relationships (+ Healing Strategies)
Relationships can feel intense, overwhelming, and deeply consuming for women with ADHD. When ADHD-ers find themselves in toxic or abusive relationships, their deep emotional investment, impulsivity, and fear of rejection if often exploited by the abuser. Gaslighting, manipulation, and emotional neglect can be especially damaging when ADHD makes it difficult to recognize unhealthy patterns or set firm boundaries. The result? A painful cycle of trying to "fix" relationships while feeling stuck in blame, leading to exhaustion and shame.
Adding CPTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) to the mix creates even more challenges. Symptoms like emotional dysregulation, hypervigilance, and difficulty trusting others can overlap with ADHD traits. So for those juggling (or suspecting) both diagnoses, it can be hard to tell what stems from trauma and what is part of being neurodivergent. This confusion itself can lead to self-doubt, over-explaining, and staying in harmful relationships longer than is healthy. It’s harder to protect ourselves when we don’t understand ourselves.
If you find yourself caught in cycles of emotional highs and lows, questioning why you stay in relationships that hurt, or wondering whether your intense reactions stem from ADHD or past trauma, it can feel isolating and exhausting. Maybe you replay conversations over and over, trying to figure out if you were overreacting. Maybe you’ve been told you're "too sensitive" or "too much," making you second-guess your instincts. Perhaps you feel drawn to intense relationships but struggle to trust yourself when things start to feel wrong.
These patterns aren’t random—they’re deeply connected to the way ADHD and trauma shape emotional regulation, attachment, and self-perception. By understanding these connections, you can begin to break free from self-blame and build relationships that feel safe, healthy, and aligned with your needs.
Why ADHD Increases Vulnerability to Toxic Relationships
ADHD impacts emotional regulation, attachment styles, and social dynamics, which—when combined with past trauma—can make toxic relationships feel familiar or even "normal." Here’s why:
Shame & Self-Blame – Many ADHD women grow up hearing they are "too much" or "not enough." This internalized shame can make them more likely to tolerate mistreatment, believing they are the problem.
Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) & Emotional Intensity – ADHD brains process rejection more intensely, making even minor criticism feel deeply painful. This often leads to people-pleasing, over-apologizing, and tolerating mistreatment in order to avoid rejection.
Impulsivity & Rushing Into Relationships – ADHD can cause women to dive into intense relationships too quickly, ignoring red flags. This impulsivity can lead to bonding with toxic partners before seeing their true character.
Hyperfocus on Partners & Codependency – The ADHD brain craves dopamine, and intense relationships can become an all-consuming source of emotional validation. This hyperfocus can make it hard to recognize harmful patterns or set appropriate boundaries.
Additionally, because ADHD in women is often underdiagnosed, many women spend years masking their struggles, doubting their instincts, and feeling misunderstood—making it even harder to recognize when a relationship is unhealthy.
How ADHD & CPTSD Overlap in Emotional Regulation
When ADHD and CPTSD co-exist, the challenges of emotional regulation become even more intense. The two conditions share overlapping traits, making it difficult to separate trauma responses from neurodivergence.
Hypervigilance & Overanalyzing – CPTSD can cause the brain to be on constant alert for danger, while ADHD amplifies distractibility and emotional awareness, leading to cycles of overthinking and rumination.
Emotional Flashbacks & Rejection Sensitivity – Past trauma may trigger intense emotional reactions that don’t align with the present situation. ADHD-related RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria) can worsen these reactions, causing spirals of self-doubt and shame.
Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn Responses – CPTSD heightens survival instincts, which, when mixed with ADHD impulsivity, can lead to self-sabotaging behaviors or staying in harmful situations. Many ADHD women exhibit the fawn response—prioritizing others’ needs at the expense of their own.
Chronic Overwhelm & Executive Dysfunction – ADHD already makes decision-making and organization challenging. Trauma exacerbates this, making it harder to leave toxic relationships or see healthier alternatives.
By recognizing these patterns, individuals can learn to work with their neurodivergence rather than feeling like it’s something that needs to be "fixed."
Breaking Free: Steps Toward Healing & Self-Empowerment
If you find yourself stuck in unhealthy relationship cycles, the goal isn’t to “heal” ADHD but to understand yourself better and build a life that supports your needs. Here’s how:
Understand Your ADHD & Trauma Responses – Recognize the difference between impulsive ADHD reactions and trauma-driven behaviors. Learn to slow down these processes and take a breath. Self-awareness is empowering.
Develop Self-Compassion & Reduce Shame – Reframe internalized beliefs about being "too much" or "not enough." You are not broken. You are worth more than
Strengthen Boundaries – Practice saying no, recognize when your needs aren’t being met, and set limits in relationships—even if it feels uncomfortable at first.
Work With Your ADHD Strengths – ADHD brings creativity, hyperfocus, and resilience. Learn to channel these in ways that empower you rather than drain you.
Find Affirming Support – Seek out therapists or communities that understand neurodiversity and trauma, rather than trying to “fix” you.
With the right strategies, you can build relationships that feel safe, fulfilling, and aligned with your authentic self.
Healing & Moving Forward
Therapy can be incredibly beneficial in helping ADHD individuals with trauma untangle their experiences and regain control over their relationships. Finding the right therapist matters. If you would like to schedule a free consultation here, we can discuss how we can work together, such as by:
Recognizing how ADHD and trauma interact in your life.
Developing strategies to manage emotional intensity and impulsivity.
Learning tools to set and maintain healthy boundaries.
Rebuilding self-trust after experiencing relational trauma.
ADHD presents challenges, but it also brings creativity, passion, and resilience. You deserve relationships where you feel safe, valued, and understood.
Autism and CPTSD: Toxic Relationships, Trauma, and Neurodivergency
Being autistic in a world that often misunderstands and invalidates you is already challenging—but when you add relational trauma or domestic violence into the mix, things become even more complex. Many autistic women experience deep, confusing pain in relationships, often not realizing until much later that they were in unhealthy or abusive dynamics.
For those with Complex PTSD (CPTSD), the symptoms can look strikingly similar to autism—emotional dysregulation, sensory overwhelm, social struggles, dissociation. Some people are autistic, some have CPTSD, and some have both. Untangling what comes from where is complicated, especially for those newly diagnosed.
Looking back on past relationships, you might wonder: Did I struggle because I was autistic? Because I was traumatized? Did my trauma make my autistic traits more pronounced? These questions can feel overwhelming, but they are an important part of self-discovery. Understanding the interplay between autism and CPTSD can help you make sense of your past, recognize patterns in relationships, and begin the process of healing.
Why Are Autistic Women More Vulnerable to Intimate Partner Violence?
Many autistic women find themselves in toxic or abusive relationships without fully recognizing how or why. It’s important to recognise that everyone is vulnerable to abuse in relationships in some way, that is why it is so common. But there are traits within autism that may increase this vulnerability and make abuse harder to recognize. In my practice these are the themes that I have seen across many clients:
Intense Emotional Investment in Relationships: Autistic individuals often form deep emotional bonds, particular where there have been challenges in forming and maintaining relationships in the past. Like everyone, we are looking for connection, and when that is offered we tend to jump in wholeheartedly and earnestly. But this may then lead to struggles to recognize when a relationship has turned unhealthy or unsafe.
Challenges with Recognizing Manipulation: Difficulty interpreting social cues can make it harder to detect subtle forms of coercion, emotional abuse, or gaslighting. When the whole world feels like it’s operating on a different rulebook, how can we pick apart the ‘relationship’ rulebook?
Sensory and Emotional Overwhelm: Heightened sensitivity can make it harder to navigate conflict, leading to shutdowns or enduring mistreatment just to maintain stability. Meltdowns are weaponized - abusers pushing you to the edge of your comfort for their own gain, then turning your reactions against you because it was you who overreacted.
Difficulty Enforcing Boundaries: Fear of confrontation, misunderstanding social expectations, or a history of rejection can make setting and maintaining boundaries more difficult.
When Trauma Mimics Autism: The Overlap Between CPTSD and Neurodivergence
One of the most confusing parts of navigating autism and CPTSD is that trauma symptoms can look a lot like autistic traits. Some overlapping experiences include:
Sensory Sensitivities: CPTSD can heighten the nervous system’s response to stimuli, making sounds, lights, and touch feel overwhelming—something that many autistic individuals already struggle with.
Emotional Dysregulation: Both autism and CPTSD can cause intense emotional reactions, difficulty self-soothing, and an increased fight/flight/freeze response.
Social Withdrawal: Many trauma survivors become more isolated over time, avoiding social interactions due to hypervigilance, distrust, or overwhelm—similar to autistic shutdowns and social exhaustion.
Dissociation and Shutdowns: Autistic individuals and trauma survivors both experience dissociation as a response to stress, often retreating inward or emotionally disconnecting in moments of distress.
Because of these overlaps, many autistic women struggle to understand which parts of their experience are rooted in their neurodivergence and which are responses to trauma. If you have both autism and CPTSD, your reactions may be even more layered and difficult to decipher.
The Interaction Between Autism and CPTSD in Toxic Relationships
The combination of autism and CPTSD can create a cycle that keeps women stuck in unhealthy relationships.
Masking Trauma Responses: Just as autistic women mask their autistic traits, they may also mask their trauma, convincing themselves that things “aren’t that bad” or that they just need to try harder to be a better partner. If you default to feeling that your reactions are the problem (because that’s what society has taught you) then it may feel reflexive to just doubledown in your efforts to suppress and hide them.
Hypervigilance and Shutdowns: CPTSD can make someone hyper-aware of potential danger, but autism can cause them to shut down instead of responding actively to red flags. Functional freeze or the freeze/collapse response to trauma may be more common in autistic persons. This can leave them feeling stuck in unhealthy dynamics.
Struggles with Boundaries: Many autistic women struggle with setting or enforcing boundaries, either because they don’t recognize when they are being violated or because they fear the social consequences of saying no. CPTSD too often shows up as chronic self doubt. Am I right? Am I wrong? What should I do next?
Attachment and Dependency: Autistic individuals often form deep, intense bonds and struggle with change, making it harder to leave even when a relationship is harmful. Abusers can leverage any vulnerability you show, wanting to serve as ‘the only one who understands you’ or your ‘translator’ for the outside world.
For those who are newly diagnosed or suspect you are autistic, reflecting on past relationships can be both validating and confusing. You may realize that what you once blamed yourself for—being "too sensitive," "too intense," or "too naive"—was actually a result of your neurodivergence or a trauma response. This realization can be painful, but it can also be the first step toward healing and self-compassion.
Breaking the Cycle: Healing and Finding Yourself Again after Abuse
In the aftermath of an unhealthy relationship, we find ourselves with two tasks - first, is safety, we want to find ways to to protect ourselves from it happening again, and synthesizing lessons learnt. Secondly, is the existential task of making meaning of our experience, ‘how did it change me? what made me vulnerable? who was I then and who am I now?
Some ways to start this journey include:
Exploring Your Identity Without Judgment: It’s okay if you don’t know where autism ends and trauma begins. Therapy, self-reflection, and community support can help you explore your authentic self.
Learning to Recognize and Trust Your Instincts: Rebuilding self-trust after trauma is hard, but small steps—like honoring your feelings and practicing saying no—can make a difference.
Finding Support That Understands Neurodivergency and Trauma: Not all therapy approaches work for autistic individuals. Seeking neurodivergent-affirming, trauma-informed support can help you process your experiences without forcing you to conform to neurotypical expectations.
Seeking Support?
If you're looking for a therapist who understands the unique challenges of neurodivergent survivors of relational trauma, consider reaching out for support. You can contact me and we can discuss what it would look like to work together here, or schedule a free consultation at the link below.
Unraveling the Past: Neurodivergency and the Complexity of Abuse in Relationships
A late diagnosis of autism or ADHD can feel like a revelation—finally, an explanation for why life has felt different, why certain struggles have persisted, and why relationships have often been confusing or painful. But alongside these answers, new questions emerge. This is particular true for those who have suffered abuse. Looking back, we begin to wonder: Is that neurodivergency, or is that a trauma response? Did my past experiences shape me, or was I always this way? How did neurodivergency play a role in my relationships? How much of myself have I hidden just to survive?
As a survivor learning more about neurodivergency, and complex trauma, more questions are raised. Untangling the impact of past relationships, self-perception, and identity can be incredibly complex.
Why Neurodivergent Women* Are More Vulnerable to Relational Trauma
Many neurodivergent women experience a pattern of difficult, confusing, or even abusive relationships. The reasons for this are layered but often include:
Masking as Survival – Many autistic and ADHD women learn early on that their natural ways of being—whether that’s intense emotions, sensory sensitivities, or social misunderstandings—are not always welcomed or accepted. They develop the ability to mask, to blend in, to become what others expect. This survival strategy can extend to relationships, leading women to mold themselves to fit a partner’s needs, suppress their own discomfort, and ignore red flags.
Difficulty Recognizing Red Flags – Many neurodivergent women take people at their word, may struggle with social nuance, or miss the slow, insidious nature of manipulation and control. Everyone is susceptible to an abuser, but gaslighting can be particularly effective against those who have already spent their lives questioning their own reactions and emotions.
Emotional Dysregulation and Trauma Responses – Emotional intensity, rejection sensitivity, and difficulty self-regulating can create a cycle where small conflicts escalate into deep wounds, making it harder to feel safe in relationships. Feeling unsafe can sometimes be ‘normal’, and for those with a trauma history, hypervigilance can make it difficult to distinguish between a real threat and past wounds resurfacing.
Attachment Wounds and Fear of Abandonment – Many neurodivergent women have experienced rejection or bullying in childhood. Trauma and shame often runs deep. As adults, they may tolerate unhealthy dynamics out of a deep fear of being alone, believing they must accept what they can get rather than risk isolation. Living a life believing that your experiences are ‘your fault’ creates an opening for an abuser to take advantage.
Looking Back: Was It Abuse, Neurodivergency, or both?
A diagnosis is often a relief. It provides context and clarity and can often explain so much. But a late diagnosis will often prompt a retrospective (and often painful) review of life events. We begin to examine past experiences and relationships with fresh eyes, asking:
Was I struggling in that relationship because of my neurodivergency, or was it toxic?
Was I misunderstood, or was I truly at fault?
How much of my trauma was caused by being neurodivergent in a world that didn’t understand me?
Have I been in survival mode for so long that I don’t even know who I really am?
Oftentimes there is not a simple answer. And processing them takes time. When we see ourselves clearly—beyond just the trauma, beyond just the diagnosis—we can begin to understand our patterns and break cycles that no longer serve us.
Healing and Reclaiming Identity
If you find yourself untangling these questions, know that it’s okay to not have all the answers yet. Healing is not about immediately resolving every conflict within yourself but rather about allowing space to explore, grieve, and rediscover who you are beneath the layers of trauma and masking.
Here are some ways to begin this journey:
Give Yourself Permission to Unmask – Learning to recognize your own needs, limits, and sensory preferences is a powerful first step in reclaiming your identity. It allows you to begin to trust yourself, and your instincts, and surround yourself by people you trust.
Explore Your Relationship Patterns – Understanding past dynamics can help you recognize what is healthy and what is not in current and future relationships.
Develop Self-Compassion – It’s easy to look back with regret or self-blame, but remembering that you were doing your best with the knowledge and tools you had at the time is essential for healing.
Seek Support in a Safe Space – Therapy or counseling with a neurodivergent-affirming and trauma-informed approach can provide guidance in this exploration.
What next?
If you’ve recently been diagnosed or suspect you may be neurodivergent, understanding the power of this self-discovery process is important. It is not just about who you are, but how that has impacted your experiences. The intersection of neurodivergency and relational trauma is complex, but in exploring this complexity lies the possibility for healing, growth, and a deeper sense of self-understanding.
If this is something that you would like to explore further, you can schedule a free 15 minute consultation to discuss here.
You can read more about the work I do with identity exploration here and in the space between neurodiversity and domestic violence and other relational trauma here.
I also plan to write more about the overlaps between ADHD, autism, and CPTSD and how to tease them apart, particularly relating to intimate relationships and abuse. Stay tuned!
*A Note on Language:
I use the term "neurodivergent women" in this post because this is where much of my professional experience lies. So many of the experiences I talk about are shaped by the way society treats and conditions women and girls. That said, I know that neurodivergence and gender don’t fit into neat boxes, so even if you don’t connect with the term “woman,” I hope you still find something helpful here.
I also choose to use identity-first language (like “neurodivergent person” instead of “person with neurodivergence”) since many people consider a diagnosis of any form of neurodivergence isn’t just something you have—it’s part of who you are. While some people prefer person-first language, I use the wording that feels most affirming to the community I work with.