Post-Traumatic Growth: Healing, Identity, and Self-Compassion After Trauma
The Work That Comes After Trauma
Healing from trauma is not just about moving past pain—it’s about transformation. It isn’t just about moving forward—it’s about making sense of who you are after everything you’ve been through.While trauma can leave deep wounds, the process of working through it can also reveal profound strength, resilience, and self-awareness. This process is called post-traumatic growth —the idea that through healing, we can emerge stronger, more self-aware, and more deeply connected to ourselves and others.
But growth doesn’t happen simply by pushing past pain. It requires us to slow down, look inward, and build a compassionate relationship with all parts of ourselves—including the aspects that cause us trouble or we wish would just disappear.
Many survivors struggle with self-compassion, dismissing it as something nice in theory but impossible in practice. Clients often say:
“I know I should be kinder to myself, but I don’t know how.”
“I know my inner critic is harsh, but it’s the only thing keeping me accountable.”
“I don’t want to just ‘accept’ myself—I want to change.”
The gap between knowing something intellectually and feeling it emotionally can be the hardest part of healing. Self-compassion is not just about accepting who you are—it’s about understanding why you are the way you are.
Instead of seeing yourself as permanently stuck in patterns shaped by trauma, what if you could approach yourself with curiosity? What if the things you struggle with—your inner critic, your anxious tendencies, your difficulty trusting—weren’t signs of personal failure but instead adaptive responses to past pain?
Self-compassion is not about ignoring flaws or accepting harmful behaviors. It’s about understanding why we think, feel, and react the way we do—and recognizing that even our harshest self-judgments come from parts of us that are trying to protect us in some way.
Post-Traumatic Growth: Strength Through Healing
Trauma changes us, but it does not have to define us. Post-traumatic growth is the idea that through working with trauma—rather than avoiding or suppressing it—we can develop:
A deeper sense of personal strength (“If I survived that, I can survive anything.”)
A greater appreciation for life (“I don’t take the small joys for granted anymore.”)
Stronger, more meaningful relationships (“I now know what real safety and connection feel like.”)
A clearer sense of purpose (“My experiences have shaped me, and I want to use them to help others.”)
New possibilities for the future (“I am not limited to what happened to me.”)
But to reach this stage of growth, we must first tend to the parts of ourselves that are still holding onto survival patterns.
Understanding Your Inner Landscape
Our past experiences don’t just shape our behaviors; they also shape the different parts of ourselves that try to protect us. These protective instincts often stem from survival mechanisms developed in response to childhood trauma, emotional neglect, or relational abuse. We all have different inner voices and patterns that influence how we respond to the world. These might include:
The Inner Critic – The voice that constantly points out flaws, often as a way to prevent failure or rejection.
The Protector – The part that keeps us guarded, avoiding intimacy or vulnerability to prevent further pain.
The Overachiever – The part that believes working harder will prove our worth or prevent abandonment.
The Wounded Inner Child – The part that carries the raw pain of past neglect, betrayal, or unmet needs.
These parts exist for a reason. They developed in response to past experiences, trying to keep us safe—even if their methods now cause more harm than good. Instead of rejecting these parts, healing means getting curious about them.
For example:
Your inner critic may be trying to protect you from external criticism by keeping you “in line.”
Your anxiety may be a survival response, keeping you hyper-aware of potential danger.
Your avoidance of conflict may be rooted in a past where speaking up led to harm.
When we shift from self-judgment to curiosity, we start to see ourselves differently. We recognize that even our most frustrating patterns are adaptations—strategies our mind created to protect us at some point in our lives. Rather than trying to silence or fight these reactions, what if you listened to them instead? By approaching these parts of yourself with understanding instead of judgment, you can begin to heal each part of yourself.
Rebuilding Identity After Trauma through Compassion
Trauma often distorts our sense of self, leaving us feeling disconnected or lost. Many survivors experience a crisis of identity, asking:
Do I even know who I am outside of this trauma?
Am I just the person who “gets through” hard things?
How do I figure out what I actually want from life?
We can rebuild our sense of self, and enjoy the benefits of post-traumatic growth through dedicated and continual self-compassion. This does not come easy to many trauma survivors. Self-compassion isn’t just about thinking kinder thoughts—it’s about actively working with ourselves in a way that fosters change.
1. Notice and Name Your Inner Patterns
When you feel overwhelmed, pause and ask: What part of me is speaking right now?
Label it gently: “This is my critic,” or “This is my protector stepping in.”
Naming your patterns creates a bit of space between you and your reactions.
2. Get Curious Instead of Critical
Instead of saying, “I hate that I’m so anxious,” try: “What is this anxiety trying to protect me from?”
Instead of saying, “I need to stop being so sensitive,” try: “What does this sensitive part of me need right now?”
Curiosity shifts us from judgment to understanding.
3. Offer Your Parts What They Need
If your inner critic is trying to keep you safe, reassure it that you are capable of handling challenges without self-punishment.
If your protector part is keeping you from vulnerability, show it that safety is possible in relationships built on trust.
If your wounded inner child needs comfort, give yourself the kindness you never received.
Healing and Growth Are Not Opposites
Many survivors worry that accepting themselves as they are means they’ll stop growing. In reality, self-compassion is what allows for deeper transformation.
Post-traumatic growth isn’t about “getting over” trauma—it’s about integrating what you’ve been through into a stronger, wiser, more self-aware version of yourself. It’s about recognizing that all of your responses—your anxiety, your fear, your inner criticism—are rooted in survival. And that survival was necessary.
But you are not in survival mode anymore.
With curiosity and self-compassion, you can move from just getting by to truly thriving.
In therapy, we work to reconnect with your authentic self—the version of you that exists beyond survival mode. Together, we explore:
How your past has shaped your identity—without letting it define you.
The values that truly matter to you, not just the ones you were conditioned to hold
Incorporating daily accountability, in identifying and breaking harmful patterns
Building internal and external sources of encouragement, on those days when it just feels hard and as you learn to trust yourself
How to make meaning from your experiences and build a life aligned with who you want to be.
Click here to read more about the work we can do with identity exploration in the aftermath.
Click here to book a free consultation to discuss your options.
How Complex Trauma Shapes Your Relationships: Breaking Free from Unhealthy Patterns
Why Trauma Survivors Struggle in Relationships
I have written in the past about complex trauma (C-PTSD), it’s relationship to neurodivergence, steps to healing and its causes. I thought it worth to deep dive a little more into how complex trauma can make you more vulnerable to further abusive or toxic relationships.
Those who experience C-PTSD often find that their relationships feel like a battlefield, just hard. They are filled with cycles of emotional pain, confusion, and self-doubt. People find themselves drawn to toxic relationship patterns without fully understanding why. If you've struggled with abusive relationships, difficulty setting boundaries, or repeating painful relationship dynamics, your history of trauma may hold the key to understanding these challenges.
Recognizing complex trauma is such an important step towards healing. Through deeper awareness, self-compassion, and support, you can first recognize, then break free from unhealthy patterns and build relationships that are safe, fulfilling, and aligned with your values.
What Is Complex PTSD (C-PTSD)? How It Differs from PTSD
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) typically develops after a single traumatic event, such as a car accident, natural disaster, or assault. PTSD is often associated with flashbacks, nightmares, and hypervigilance, all tied to a specific, time-limited trauma.
Complex PTSD (C-PTSD), on the other hand, results from prolonged, repeated trauma, often occurring in childhood or within relationships. This can include:
Emotional, physical, or sexual abuse
Chronic neglect or invalidation
Growing up in an unpredictable, high-conflict home
Long-term exposure to abusive relationships or domestic violence
How Domestic Violence Can Lead to C-PTSD
C-PTSD doesn’t just develop from childhood trauma—it can also result from abusive adult relationships, particularly in cases of domestic violence. Survivors of long-term emotional, physical, or psychological abuse often experience:
A constant state of fear and hypervigilance, never knowing when the next outburst or attack will happen
Gaslighting and manipulation, which erodes self-trust and distorts reality
Repeated cycles of abuse and "honeymoon phases", making it harder to leave
A loss of personal identity, as the survivor’s needs, emotions, and autonomy are systematically erased
Domestic violence can create the same deep, lasting wounds as childhood trauma, making it difficult for survivors to feel safe, trust others, or set healthy boundaries even after leaving the abusive relationship.
Experiencing domestic violence can cause C-PTSD. But having C-PTSD (whether from childhood abuse or DV) may make your more vulnerable to abusive and toxic relationships later in life. Because C-PTSD is so deeply tied to relationships, it often shapes how we engage all our relationships.
Common Relational Struggles Linked to Complex Trauma
Fear of abandonment - this may keep you trapped in unhealthy relationships. You may be more likely to overlook problems, you may blame yourself when things are difficiult, you may feel unlovable
Struggles with boundaries—either being too rigid or too porous, or both. This means that you pull people too close, enmeshing yourself with them and their lives. Alternatively, you may throw up walls, making it hard to connect to you. Many people who have C-PTSD have a disorganized attachment style, that is, switching between too close and too distant in reaction to their relationships
Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions - when you are exposed to abuse in childhood, it is incredibly common to internalize the abuse. You begin to feel responsible for the happiness of the people around you so have learnt to silence your own needs, people-please and avoid conflict at all costs
Hypervigilance - experiencing dangerous relationships can leave you on edge. You are left constantly scanning for signs of rejection or danger in relationships
Being drawn to relationships that replicate past wounds - Freud called this the ‘repetition compulsion’ - we are often drawn to relationships that mirror previous experiences, even when they cause pain. This can be because of familiarity or an attempt at ‘closing the loop’ and achieving a different outcome.
Complex trauma doesn’t just shape how you think about relationships—it affects your nervous system, self-worth, and ability to trust others.
Why Complex Trauma Can Lead to Toxic Relationships
If you've experienced emotionally abusive relationships, you may wonder: Why did I stay? Why didn’t I see the signs? The truth is, complex trauma makes it incredibly difficult to recognize and leave unhealthy relationships because of the impact it has.
1. Trauma Bonding: Why Leaving Feels Impossible
A trauma bond forms when intense emotional highs and lows keep you attached to someone, even when they hurt you. This is especially common in narcissistic or emotionally abusive relationships, where the cycle of love-bombing, devaluation, and intermittent reinforcement mirrors childhood experiences of unstable affection. The highs and lows that are so painful and harmful are also almost addictive.
Humans have an immense capacity for adaptation to our environment, whether healthy or unhealthy. Many people who move onto healthy relationships struggle at first, finding the lack of conflict, drama, and emotional yo-yoing ‘boring’. Healthy relationships are rarely dramatic.
2. Attachment Wounds: Why You Might Attract Emotionally Unavailable Partners
Complex trauma often disrupts attachment patterns, making emotionally unavailable or abusive partners feel familiar. If you had to earn love as a child, you might unconsciously repeat that cycle in adulthood. This might look like starting relationships with people who are emotionally unavaiable or challenging, believing that if you just try hard enough, you’ll be redeemed and receive the love and validation you deserve. Emotionally abusive relationships can harm your self-esteem to such an extent that you expose yourself to further emotional harm in an attempt to ‘make up’ for the past failures. Not only does this expose you to further pain, but it also places the responsibility for the relationship and any conflict to you. This allows abusers to take advantage of your vulnerabilities, since your default would be to blame yourself.
Signs of Attachment Wounds in Relationships:
Anxious Attachment – Feeling desperate for reassurance, fearing abandonment, and over-explaining yourself
Avoidant Attachment – Shutting down emotionally, struggling with intimacy, and pushing people away when they get too close
Disorganized Attachment – Swinging between craving closeness and fearing it, often feeling conflicted in relationships
3. People-Pleasing and Fawning in Abusive Relationships
When conflict feels unsafe (as it often does for trauma survivors), you may develop fawning behaviors—prioritizing keeping the peace over your own needs. This is particularly common with people who were exposed to abuse in childhood. Rather than facing the horrifying truth that the caregiver that you rely on is unsafe, you take responsibility for their mood and actions. It is often safer emotionally for a child to blame themselves than recognize abuse from a caregiver. This shows up later in life as a sense of responsibility for the mood of the people around you, so you silence your own needs, people-please, and avoid conflict at all costs
This can look like:
Ignoring red flags because you don’t want to be “too sensitive”
Apologizing for things that weren’t your fault to prevent conflict
Over-functioning in relationships, taking responsibility for the abuser’s emotions
These behaviors may have helped you survive childhood, but in adulthood, they keep you trapped in one-sided, unhealthy relationships.
Breaking Free: Healing From Complex Trauma in Relationships
The good news? You can unlearn these patterns. By no means is this an easy process. It is very often painful and difficult to explore the impact of painful and abusive relationships, take stock of how people may have let you down, and then recognize the ways in which this has changed the way that you show up in your relationships. Healing means reclaiming your sense of self, recognizing harmful dynamics, and building relationships based on mutual respect.
1. Build Awareness: Understanding the Patterns
The first step is to identify the ways trauma has shaped your relationships. Ask yourself:
Do I feel safe expressing my needs in relationships?
Do I over-function and take responsibility for others’ feelings?
Do I ignore red flags in the hope things will get better?
Do I struggle to set (and enforce) boundaries?
Recognizing these patterns allows you to step out of autopilot and make different choices.
2. Rewire Your Nervous System: Safety Comes First
Trauma lives in the body, not just the mind. Healing involves teaching your nervous system that safety and stability are possible. Some ways to do this:
EMDR - challenging the negative beliefs about yourself that live in your body
Somatic work - getting in touch with your body, through breathwork, grounding techniques, movement
Developing self-compassion—talk to yourself the way you’d talk to a loved one
Mindfulness and nervous system regulation to break patterns of hypervigilance
3. Practice Healthy Boundaries: Saying No Without Guilt
Boundaries are a form of self-care. They protect your energy, emotional well-being, and sense of self. They are also nuanced and delicate. Many of those dealing with the aftermath of abuse will respond by throwing up rigid boundaries, becoming almost unapproachable and shutting themselves off from others. This can be helpful as you heal within yourself, but in the long-run rarely reflects that values and connection that most people have. We learn to connect with healthy people and developing healthy boundaries can start with :
Identifying your non-negotiables in relationships
Learning to tolerate discomfort when enforcing boundaries
Recognizing that saying no doesn’t make you “mean” or “selfish”
4. Seek Support: Therapy Can Help Rewire Relationship Patterns
Healing from relationship trauma is rarely a solo journey. Relational trauma is healed through healthy relationships. Therapy can provide:
Validation—helping you see your experiences clearly, without self-blame
A roadmap for breaking patterns and creating healthier relational dynamics
Practical tools for healing attachment wounds and emotional triggers
If complex trauma has shaped your relationships, working with a trauma-informed therapist can help you untangle false beliefs about love, self-worth, and attachment—allowing you to build connections rooted in safety and mutual respect. Having just one healthy relationship can allow you the safety and practise ground for healing.
Final Thoughts: You Are Not Broken, and Healing Is Possible
Complex trauma may have shaped your past relationships, but it does not define your future. By understanding its impact, building self-awareness, and practicing new relational skills, you can break free from unhealthy patterns and create relationships that align with your worth.
You deserve safety, respect, and love that does not come at the cost of your well-being.
If you're ready to start your healing journey, therapy can provide the guidance and support you need.
Learn more about my work with those grappling with C-PTSD here
Executive Dysfunction and Emotional Healing: Why Healing Feels Harder Sometimes
Why Does Healing Feel So Difficult?
Healing from trauma is never a straightforward journey, but for those who struggle with executive dysfunction, it can feel even more overwhelming. Whether due to ADHD, autism, Complex PTSD (C-PTSD), depression, or prolonged emotional stress, executive dysfunction can make it harder to stay organized, regulate emotions, and follow through on healing strategies.
This isn’t about willpower or motivation—it’s a neurological challenge that can add an extra layer of frustration to an already difficult process. If you’ve ever felt stuck in your healing journey, struggling to stay consistent, or frustrated by setbacks, you’re not alone.
What Is Executive Dysfunction?
Executive function refers to the brain's ability to plan, organize, regulate emotions, and follow through on tasks. When someone experiences executive dysfunction, they may struggle with:
Starting tasks, even ones they want to do
Maintaining focus on recovery work like journaling, therapy homework, or self-care
Regulating emotions, leading to overwhelm or shutdowns
Remembering important coping strategies and insights from therapy
Managing time effectively, making consistency difficult
These challenges often show up in people with ADHD, autism, trauma-related disorders, and depression. When it comes to emotional healing, executive dysfunction can make progress feel frustratingly slow.
How Trauma Impacts Executive Function
Trauma fundamentally changes brain function, especially in areas responsible for memory, emotional regulation, and decision-making. When someone has experienced prolonged stress or abuse, the brain stays in survival mode, prioritizing fight, flight, freeze, or fawn over long-term thinking.
This heightened stress state affects the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for executive functioning. As a result, trauma survivors may experience:
Impulsivity and difficulty planning
Emotional overwhelm and shutdowns
Disorganization and forgetfulness
Difficulty initiating or completing healing work
This neurological impact explains why even highly motivated survivors can feel stuck or inconsistent in their recovery.
How Executive Dysfunction Affects the Healing Process
Healing often involves tasks that require planning, emotional regulation, and follow-through—things that executive dysfunction makes challenging. Common struggles include:
Struggling to Start Healing Work
You may know what you need to do (journaling, setting boundaries, researching trauma recovery), but when it’s time to start, you feel completely stuck.
Inconsistent Progress
Some weeks, therapy and self-care feel manageable. Other times, exhaustion, avoidance, or distraction take over, leading to guilt and frustration.
Emotional Paralysis
You feel overwhelmed with emotions but struggle to process them in a structured way, leading to shutdowns instead of active healing.
Forgetting What Works
Even after learning helpful coping strategies, it’s easy to forget or abandon them during stressful moments, making it feel like you’re "starting over" repeatedly.
Making Healing More Accessible
If executive dysfunction is making healing harder, the problem isn’t you—it’s the approach. Here’s how to work with your brain rather than against it:
Lower the Barrier to Entry – Instead of setting big, overwhelming healing goals, try smaller, more achievable ones. (Example: If journaling feels impossible, try voice-memo reflections instead.)
Use External Reminders – Sticky notes, alarms, or therapy-friendly apps can help reinforce what you’re learning.
Allow for Imperfect Progress – Healing isn’t linear, and consistency looks different for everyone. Celebrate any forward movement.
Focus on One Small Change at a Time – Instead of overhauling your entire healing routine, focus on just one manageable shift.
Have a “Reset Plan” – Instead of feeling defeated when you lose momentum, create a simple plan to help yourself get back on track.
How Therapy Can Help with Trauma and Executive Dysfunction
While self-help tools can be invaluable, healing doesn’t have to be a solo effort. Therapy provides a structured, supportive space to navigate the challenges of trauma recovery and executive dysfunction.
What Therapy Can Offer:
Accountability & Gentle Guidance – When executive dysfunction makes it hard to follow through, having someone to check in with can help maintain momentum.
Breaking Down Overwhelming Steps – A therapist can break the healing process into smaller, more manageable pieces, making it feel less daunting.
Encouragement & Emotional Support – Healing is difficult, and self-criticism can be a huge barrier. A therapist helps reframe setbacks as part of the process and offers compassion along the way.
Tools for Emotional Regulation – Learning coping strategies tailored to both trauma and executive dysfunction can make emotional processing feel more accessible.
A Safe Place to Process Trauma – Therapy provides a space where survivors can work through their experiences without judgment or pressure.
Many people with executive dysfunction blame themselves for struggling with healing, but having trouble doesn’t mean you’re failing—it means you may need a different approach. Therapy can be a lifeline, offering the structure and encouragement needed to move forward, even when progress feels slow.
Final Thoughts: Healing at Your Own Pace
If you struggle with executive dysfunction while healing from trauma, it’s not a reflection of your commitment to healing—it’s a reflection of how your brain has learned to survive. But healing is possible, especially with the right support.
You are not lazy or unmotivated.
You don’t have to “fix” yourself overnight.
Healing works best when it aligns with how your brain functions.
With therapy, self-compassion, and practical strategies, you can move forward in a way that works for you. You don’t have to do this alone.
Understanding C-PTSD: Symptoms, Triggers, and Healing for Survivors
What Is Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder? Could I have C-PTSD?
Trauma isn’t always about a single, life-altering event like a car crash, natural disaster, or combat. For many, trauma happens repeatedly over time—this is known as chronic trauma. It can take many forms, such as childhood abuse, long-term emotional neglect, or domestic violence. While PTSD is typically linked to a single shocking event, complex PTSD (C-PTSD) develops from prolonged exposure to trauma, particularly in relationships. Over time, it can affect self-worth, emotional regulation, and the way you connect with others.
A lot of people don’t even realize their experiences count as trauma or that they’re still dealing with the effects. You survived—so everything should be fine now, right? But when trauma shapes who you are, it can be tricky to recognize its impact. Unlike PTSD, which can have more obvious signs like flashbacks or nightmares, C-PTSD tends to show up in more subtle but powerful ways:
People-pleasing behaviors – Constantly prioritizing others' needs over your own.
Struggles with boundaries – Finding it difficult to say no or recognizing toxic relationships.
Negative self-talk – Chronic feelings of unworthiness or self-doubt.
Repeated patterns in relationships – Seeking out or tolerating unhealthy dynamics.
A lot of people with childhood trauma don’t seek help because they don’t want to dig up painful memories. But the truth is, trauma doesn’t always stay in the past—it can pop up at major life moments, like breakups, marriage, or having kids. Major life transitions can be the catalyst that pushes you into recognizing or facing the impact that the past is having on your present. This is the first step towards healing.
PTSD shapes how you react to the world around you; C-PTSD shapes how you see yourself.
The concept of C-PTSD emerged thanks to the groundbreaking work of Dr. Judith Herman, a psychiatrist and trauma researcher. In her 1992 book Trauma and Recovery, she argued that the existing definition of PTSD didn’t fully capture the experiences of individuals who had endured long-term, inescapable trauma—especially trauma that occurred in relationships, such as childhood abuse or domestic violence. Unlike PTSD, which is often rooted in a fear of reliving a single event, C-PTSD profoundly affects a person’s sense of identity, emotional regulation, and relationships.
PTSD vs. C-PTSD: What’s the Difference?
While both PTSD and C-PTSD stem from trauma, C-PTSD is more deeply tied to prolonged, repeated exposure rather than a single traumatic event. Here’s how they differ:
PTSD
Caused by a single traumatic event (e.g., an accident, natural disaster, or assault).
Main symptom clusters are :
Intrusive memories - include flashbacks, nightmares, unwanted reminders.
Avoidance - avoiding people, places or things that may cause an intrusive memory.
Hypervigilance - being watchful, on guard, jumpy or easily startled.
Negative changes in Mood and Thinking - blaming yourself, sadness, can often look like depression
C-PTSD
Caused by long-term trauma (e.g., childhood neglect, domestic abuse, repeated emotional abuse).
Symptoms include all PTSD symptoms plus emotional dysregulation, interpersonal difficulties, and negative self-concept. This can vary between individuals, but may look like :
Dysregulation – intense mood swings, overwhelming emotions, or feeling numb.
Distorted Self-Perception – chronic shame, guilt, or a feeling of being "broken."
Interpersonal Struggles – difficulty trusting others, fear of abandonment, or unhealthy relationship patterns.
Dissociation & Memory Gaps – feeling detached from yourself or struggling to recall traumatic events.
Negative Beliefs About the Self – feeling unworthy of love, safety, or success.
It's important to remember that PTSD and C-PTSD, although classified as mental health disorders, were ultimately your body’s way of trying to protect you. Your brain adapted to help you survive, whether by heightening your awareness, numbing emotions, or avoiding painful memories. These responses at one time may have been necessary for survival, can become disruptive over time. Recognizing that these patterns were once protective mechanisms, not personal failings, is key to shifting toward healing.
How C-PTSD Changes the Brain
Long-term trauma rewires the brain. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk expanded on these ideas in his book The Body Keeps the Score. He emphasized that trauma isn't just stored as a memory—it physically changes the brain and nervous system. This is why survivors of complex trauma often experience hypervigilance, emotional numbness, or difficulties regulating emotions long after escaping the abusive situation.
Studies show that C-PTSD can cause changes in three key areas:
Amygdala (Fight-or-Flight Center): Becomes hyperactive, making people more prone to fear responses and emotional reactivity.
Hippocampus (Memory & Learning): Shrinks in size, making it harder to differentiate past from present trauma.
Prefrontal Cortex (Logical Thinking & Emotional Regulation): Struggles to keep emotions in check, leading to impulsivity and difficulty managing distress.
This is why healing is more than just "thinking positive"—it involves retraining the brain and nervous system to feel safe again.
Healing from C-PTSD: Steps Toward Recovery
C-PTSD can make it feel like your trauma defines you, but that’s not the case. The effects of long-term abuse and neglect are real—but so is your capacity for resilience and growth. By understanding how prolonged trauma affects the brain you can take steps toward reclaiming your sense of safety, self-worth, and autonomy.
Here’s what can help:
1. Recognizing Your Reactions and That They Make Sense
The first, and for many hardest, step towards recovery is recognizing what the problem is. That means getting deeply familiar with your trauma responses and how your experiences have shaped the way you see yourself and others. By recognizing these responses and how they made sense for you, we can build self-compassion. Self-blame only reinforces the shame that abusers instill.
2. Processing Trauma Safely
Trauma-Informed Therapy – Survivors need spaces where they feel secure enough to explore painful memories and develop healthier coping strategies. Finding that ‘right fit’ therapist and having a strong foundation of trust allows for deeper emotional processing and the ability to rebuild a sense of safety in the world.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) – EMDR helps survivors process traumatic memories by using guided eye movements to reduce the intensity of distressing memories. This therapy helps rewire the brain’s response to trauma, allowing individuals to recall past experiences without being overwhelmed by them.
3. Relearning Trust and Boundaries
Many survivors struggle to identify healthy relationships, often feeling drawn to familiar but toxic dynamics. Building self-awareness helps in distinguishing between safe and unsafe relationships, developing self-trust, and making choices that support emotional well-being. Over time, survivors can learn to trust their instincts, set clear boundaries, and cultivate connections that uplift and support them rather than perpetuate cycles of harm.
4. Self-Compassion as a Daily Practice
Healing from trauma isn’t just about processing the past—it’s about learning to extend kindness to yourself in the present. Many survivors carry deep-seated self-criticism and internalized blame, feeling that they should “just get over it” or that they’re somehow flawed for struggling. Practicing self-compassion means recognizing that you are not stuck in the past—you are continuously growing and developing. Just as trauma shaped your responses, healing can reshape them. When you treat yourself with patience and understanding, you create space for new patterns to emerge.
Healing from C-PTSD is possible. By recognizing trauma responses, seeking support, and practicing self-compassion, you can take back control of your life.
If any of this resonates with you and you would like to explore further, you can book a free consultation here.
You can read more about the work I do with people healing from C-PTSD and trauma from relationships here.
ADHD and CPTSD: Trauma, Neurodivergence, and Abusive Relationships (+ Healing Strategies)
Relationships can feel intense, overwhelming, and deeply consuming for women with ADHD. When ADHD-ers find themselves in toxic or abusive relationships, their deep emotional investment, impulsivity, and fear of rejection if often exploited by the abuser. Gaslighting, manipulation, and emotional neglect can be especially damaging when ADHD makes it difficult to recognize unhealthy patterns or set firm boundaries. The result? A painful cycle of trying to "fix" relationships while feeling stuck in blame, leading to exhaustion and shame.
Adding CPTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) to the mix creates even more challenges. Symptoms like emotional dysregulation, hypervigilance, and difficulty trusting others can overlap with ADHD traits. So for those juggling (or suspecting) both diagnoses, it can be hard to tell what stems from trauma and what is part of being neurodivergent. This confusion itself can lead to self-doubt, over-explaining, and staying in harmful relationships longer than is healthy. It’s harder to protect ourselves when we don’t understand ourselves.
If you find yourself caught in cycles of emotional highs and lows, questioning why you stay in relationships that hurt, or wondering whether your intense reactions stem from ADHD or past trauma, it can feel isolating and exhausting. Maybe you replay conversations over and over, trying to figure out if you were overreacting. Maybe you’ve been told you're "too sensitive" or "too much," making you second-guess your instincts. Perhaps you feel drawn to intense relationships but struggle to trust yourself when things start to feel wrong.
These patterns aren’t random—they’re deeply connected to the way ADHD and trauma shape emotional regulation, attachment, and self-perception. By understanding these connections, you can begin to break free from self-blame and build relationships that feel safe, healthy, and aligned with your needs.
Why ADHD Increases Vulnerability to Toxic Relationships
ADHD impacts emotional regulation, attachment styles, and social dynamics, which—when combined with past trauma—can make toxic relationships feel familiar or even "normal." Here’s why:
Shame & Self-Blame – Many ADHD women grow up hearing they are "too much" or "not enough." This internalized shame can make them more likely to tolerate mistreatment, believing they are the problem.
Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) & Emotional Intensity – ADHD brains process rejection more intensely, making even minor criticism feel deeply painful. This often leads to people-pleasing, over-apologizing, and tolerating mistreatment in order to avoid rejection.
Impulsivity & Rushing Into Relationships – ADHD can cause women to dive into intense relationships too quickly, ignoring red flags. This impulsivity can lead to bonding with toxic partners before seeing their true character.
Hyperfocus on Partners & Codependency – The ADHD brain craves dopamine, and intense relationships can become an all-consuming source of emotional validation. This hyperfocus can make it hard to recognize harmful patterns or set appropriate boundaries.
Additionally, because ADHD in women is often underdiagnosed, many women spend years masking their struggles, doubting their instincts, and feeling misunderstood—making it even harder to recognize when a relationship is unhealthy.
How ADHD & CPTSD Overlap in Emotional Regulation
When ADHD and CPTSD co-exist, the challenges of emotional regulation become even more intense. The two conditions share overlapping traits, making it difficult to separate trauma responses from neurodivergence.
Hypervigilance & Overanalyzing – CPTSD can cause the brain to be on constant alert for danger, while ADHD amplifies distractibility and emotional awareness, leading to cycles of overthinking and rumination.
Emotional Flashbacks & Rejection Sensitivity – Past trauma may trigger intense emotional reactions that don’t align with the present situation. ADHD-related RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria) can worsen these reactions, causing spirals of self-doubt and shame.
Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn Responses – CPTSD heightens survival instincts, which, when mixed with ADHD impulsivity, can lead to self-sabotaging behaviors or staying in harmful situations. Many ADHD women exhibit the fawn response—prioritizing others’ needs at the expense of their own.
Chronic Overwhelm & Executive Dysfunction – ADHD already makes decision-making and organization challenging. Trauma exacerbates this, making it harder to leave toxic relationships or see healthier alternatives.
By recognizing these patterns, individuals can learn to work with their neurodivergence rather than feeling like it’s something that needs to be "fixed."
Breaking Free: Steps Toward Healing & Self-Empowerment
If you find yourself stuck in unhealthy relationship cycles, the goal isn’t to “heal” ADHD but to understand yourself better and build a life that supports your needs. Here’s how:
Understand Your ADHD & Trauma Responses – Recognize the difference between impulsive ADHD reactions and trauma-driven behaviors. Learn to slow down these processes and take a breath. Self-awareness is empowering.
Develop Self-Compassion & Reduce Shame – Reframe internalized beliefs about being "too much" or "not enough." You are not broken. You are worth more than
Strengthen Boundaries – Practice saying no, recognize when your needs aren’t being met, and set limits in relationships—even if it feels uncomfortable at first.
Work With Your ADHD Strengths – ADHD brings creativity, hyperfocus, and resilience. Learn to channel these in ways that empower you rather than drain you.
Find Affirming Support – Seek out therapists or communities that understand neurodiversity and trauma, rather than trying to “fix” you.
With the right strategies, you can build relationships that feel safe, fulfilling, and aligned with your authentic self.
Healing & Moving Forward
Therapy can be incredibly beneficial in helping ADHD individuals with trauma untangle their experiences and regain control over their relationships. Finding the right therapist matters. If you would like to schedule a free consultation here, we can discuss how we can work together, such as by:
Recognizing how ADHD and trauma interact in your life.
Developing strategies to manage emotional intensity and impulsivity.
Learning tools to set and maintain healthy boundaries.
Rebuilding self-trust after experiencing relational trauma.
ADHD presents challenges, but it also brings creativity, passion, and resilience. You deserve relationships where you feel safe, valued, and understood.
Bottom-Up vs. Top-Down Therapy for Trauma: A Brain-Based Approach to Healing
Trauma therapy has evolved significantly over time, shaped by both psychological theory and advancements in neuroscience. Traditional talk therapy and psychoanalysis, which are top-down approaches, have long been used to help individuals make sense of their trauma through verbal processing. We talk about what happened, we analyze its effects, and make progress through understanding the experience more. However, research has shown that trauma is not just a cognitive experience—it is a full-body event that affects the nervous system, often beyond the reach of rational thought.
Bottom-up therapies work from this understanding, focusing on the body’s response first, rather than relying solely on cognitive processing. Many therapists, myself included, find that blending both top-down and bottom-up techniques creates the most effective healing process.
The Brain Under Trauma: When the Thinking Brain Shuts Down
One big reason cognitive-based therapies sometimes fall short is that trauma literally rewires the brain, making it hard to think clearly when you're in distress. Normally, information enters the brain through the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex (DLPFC), the part of the brain responsible for perspective-taking, problem-solving, decision-making, and impulse control—all the things that help us reflect rationally. But when trauma is triggered, those higher-level functions go offline.
Instead, the brain shifts into more primal survival mode, and thinking becomes way harder. When a traumatic memory or trigger pops up—whether it's from the past or in the present—your body reacts first, and your mind thinks later. As trauma expert Peter Levine puts it, you can't properly process thoughts when your body is telling you that you're standing in front of a tiger.
When trauma activates the body, the amygdala (the brain’s fear center) goes into overdrive, and the autonomic nervous system shifts into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode. This means:
The prefrontal cortex (our thinking brain) gets suppressed.
The amygdala (our brain’s alarm system) takes control, making fear and panic stronger.
The limbic system (emotional brain) dominates, leading to intense emotional and physical reactions.
In the aftermath of trauma, this experience is stored both in our memory and in our body, particularly in sensorimotor patterns—stuff like chronic tension, dissociation, or hypervigilance. This is why sometimes trauma survivors find it hard to control their emotions, feel safe, or think clearly, even when they know they aren’t in danger anymore.
Top-Down Therapy: The Role of Talk Therapy in Trauma Healing
Many of the people I work with want to talk about their trauma. They want to analyze it and understand its impact on them. To be able to move from the sometimes paralyzing impact of trauma to being able to talk about it freely, from a position of strength, is what feels like true trauma recovery for many.
Traditional top-down therapies, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Trauma-Focused CBT (TF-CBT), Psychoanalysis or Narrative Therapy & Written Exposure Therapy can be extremely useful for trauma survivors. These therapies help individuals gain insight, reframe distorted thoughts, and find meaning in their experiences.
These are some of the ways in which these type of therapies work -
Understanding the Trauma: Top-down approaches typically start by helping the person understand what happened, how it impacts their thinking, and how their perception of the traumatic event may be shaping their current experiences.
Understanding and Managing Intense Emotions: Trauma often leads to overwhelming emotions, including fear, anger, sadness, or shame. Top-down approaches aim to help individuals identify and process these emotions in a healthy way. This may involve techniques like emotion labeling, mindfulness, and self-compassion.
Cognitive Restructuring and Cognitive Behavioural Skillbuilding: One of the core components is challenging distorted or unhelpful thoughts that may have developed after trauma (e.g., feelings of guilt, shame, or worthlessness). We can teach specific skills to deal with triggers, stress, and trauma-related thoughts. Techniques like relaxation training, problem-solving, and thought-stopping help people manage their reactions when they are confronted with memories or stressors related to the trauma.
Exploring Beliefs and Identity: For many trauma survivors, their identity and worldview are altered by their experiences. Top-down treatments help clients process how their sense of self, relationships, and beliefs about the world may have been affected. This can involve exploring themes like trust, safety, power, and self-worth.
Reframing and Making Meaning of the Trauma: The ultimate goal is often to help create a new narrative around trauma. This means not just acknowledging the pain but also recognizing the strength, resilience, and the ways in which they have learned or grown from the experience. We move the trauma from being the whole story to becoming just part of a person’s life story.
The risk with top-down therapy is that it can sometimes end up as an avoidance strategy instead of a true healing process. Talking about trauma without connecting to the body can create a sense of distance, allowing people to analyze their experiences without fully feeling them. This can lead to emotional detachment, where people focus on understanding the trauma intellectually but avoid facing the deeper pain, fear, or anger that’s still stored in their bodies. By separating the mind from the emotions, the person might discuss the trauma without truly experiencing it. While this can offer clarity, it also prevents the emotional processing needed for real healing, leaving the individual feeling numb or disconnected. Without fully engaging with the emotions involved, the trauma can stay unresolved, hindering true recovery.
Bottom-Up Therapy: Engaging the Body to Heal Trauma
Bottom-up therapies focus on the body's sensations, movement, and nervous system regulation before diving into cognitive processing. These approaches understand that trauma is often stored in the body, particularly in non-verbal, implicit memories that don’t always surface through traditional talking therapies.
Some of the most effective bottom-up therapies include Somatic Experiencing (SE), which helps individuals release trauma by tuning into the body’s awareness and movement; Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), which uses bilateral stimulation to help the brain reprocess traumatic memories while staying connected to the body; Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, which incorporates body movement and posture into the healing process; and Polyvagal Therapy, which focuses on the autonomic nervous system to restore a sense of safety and connection.
By working from the bottom up, these therapies help regulate the nervous system first, creating a safe foundation that allows the brain to process trauma in a more grounded, logical way.
The Power of Combining EMDR with Talk Therapy
While bottom-up therapies are essential for deep trauma healing, they do not replace the need for cognitive integration. This is why I often combine EMDR with talk therapy:
Talk therapy helps process trauma verbally, gain perspective, and understand patterns.
EMDR and somatic work help release trauma stored in the nervous system.
However, what’s most important when starting therapy, is to go with what feels most natural. Every person’s trauma response is unique—and this means we may start in different places. Some people may feel ready to dive straight into EMDR, and we might very well end up with deep analysis along the way. Conversely, others may start with traditional talking therapy, only to discover as they progress that talking is only getting them so far, and they want to explore EMDR or other somatic therapies to release it. There’s no "right" order, and therapy doesn’t have to be rigid.
Finding the Right Approach for You
Here are some questions to consider before embarking on therapy for trauma -
When I imagine a successful therapy session, what is happening?
Do I want or feel the need to talk about happening? Would that feel like a relief?
Have I, in the past, analyzed or intellectualized my experiences to avoid feeling?
Do I notice any physical symptoms of trauma, such as tension, disassociation or panic? Are there any hidden symptoms?
Have I felt stuck in talk therapy before, like its just not working?
The key is to work with a therapist who listens deeply to your needs, assesses your comfort level, and supports you through the process. A skilled therapist will know when to gently push you outside your comfort zone, but they will always maintain a sense of safety. I believe therapy should sometimes be a little hard, because that’s where the healing happens. But that challenge needs to occur within a trusting, sensitive relationship that has a strong foundation of safety and mutual respect. Therapy should feel like a partnership, not something that feels fixed or trapped. The goal is to find a path that works best for you and to honor where you’re at in your healing journey.
We can discuss this further and you can see if we are a good fit for therapy by scheduling a free consultation here.
If you would like to learn more about how I like to integrate EMDR and talk therapy you can read more here.
Healing is not just about understanding trauma—it’s about experiencing safety again, in both the brain and body.
Autism and CPTSD: Toxic Relationships, Trauma, and Neurodivergency
Being autistic in a world that often misunderstands and invalidates you is already challenging—but when you add relational trauma or domestic violence into the mix, things become even more complex. Many autistic women experience deep, confusing pain in relationships, often not realizing until much later that they were in unhealthy or abusive dynamics.
For those with Complex PTSD (CPTSD), the symptoms can look strikingly similar to autism—emotional dysregulation, sensory overwhelm, social struggles, dissociation. Some people are autistic, some have CPTSD, and some have both. Untangling what comes from where is complicated, especially for those newly diagnosed.
Looking back on past relationships, you might wonder: Did I struggle because I was autistic? Because I was traumatized? Did my trauma make my autistic traits more pronounced? These questions can feel overwhelming, but they are an important part of self-discovery. Understanding the interplay between autism and CPTSD can help you make sense of your past, recognize patterns in relationships, and begin the process of healing.
Why Are Autistic Women More Vulnerable to Intimate Partner Violence?
Many autistic women find themselves in toxic or abusive relationships without fully recognizing how or why. It’s important to recognise that everyone is vulnerable to abuse in relationships in some way, that is why it is so common. But there are traits within autism that may increase this vulnerability and make abuse harder to recognize. In my practice these are the themes that I have seen across many clients:
Intense Emotional Investment in Relationships: Autistic individuals often form deep emotional bonds, particular where there have been challenges in forming and maintaining relationships in the past. Like everyone, we are looking for connection, and when that is offered we tend to jump in wholeheartedly and earnestly. But this may then lead to struggles to recognize when a relationship has turned unhealthy or unsafe.
Challenges with Recognizing Manipulation: Difficulty interpreting social cues can make it harder to detect subtle forms of coercion, emotional abuse, or gaslighting. When the whole world feels like it’s operating on a different rulebook, how can we pick apart the ‘relationship’ rulebook?
Sensory and Emotional Overwhelm: Heightened sensitivity can make it harder to navigate conflict, leading to shutdowns or enduring mistreatment just to maintain stability. Meltdowns are weaponized - abusers pushing you to the edge of your comfort for their own gain, then turning your reactions against you because it was you who overreacted.
Difficulty Enforcing Boundaries: Fear of confrontation, misunderstanding social expectations, or a history of rejection can make setting and maintaining boundaries more difficult.
When Trauma Mimics Autism: The Overlap Between CPTSD and Neurodivergence
One of the most confusing parts of navigating autism and CPTSD is that trauma symptoms can look a lot like autistic traits. Some overlapping experiences include:
Sensory Sensitivities: CPTSD can heighten the nervous system’s response to stimuli, making sounds, lights, and touch feel overwhelming—something that many autistic individuals already struggle with.
Emotional Dysregulation: Both autism and CPTSD can cause intense emotional reactions, difficulty self-soothing, and an increased fight/flight/freeze response.
Social Withdrawal: Many trauma survivors become more isolated over time, avoiding social interactions due to hypervigilance, distrust, or overwhelm—similar to autistic shutdowns and social exhaustion.
Dissociation and Shutdowns: Autistic individuals and trauma survivors both experience dissociation as a response to stress, often retreating inward or emotionally disconnecting in moments of distress.
Because of these overlaps, many autistic women struggle to understand which parts of their experience are rooted in their neurodivergence and which are responses to trauma. If you have both autism and CPTSD, your reactions may be even more layered and difficult to decipher.
The Interaction Between Autism and CPTSD in Toxic Relationships
The combination of autism and CPTSD can create a cycle that keeps women stuck in unhealthy relationships.
Masking Trauma Responses: Just as autistic women mask their autistic traits, they may also mask their trauma, convincing themselves that things “aren’t that bad” or that they just need to try harder to be a better partner. If you default to feeling that your reactions are the problem (because that’s what society has taught you) then it may feel reflexive to just doubledown in your efforts to suppress and hide them.
Hypervigilance and Shutdowns: CPTSD can make someone hyper-aware of potential danger, but autism can cause them to shut down instead of responding actively to red flags. Functional freeze or the freeze/collapse response to trauma may be more common in autistic persons. This can leave them feeling stuck in unhealthy dynamics.
Struggles with Boundaries: Many autistic women struggle with setting or enforcing boundaries, either because they don’t recognize when they are being violated or because they fear the social consequences of saying no. CPTSD too often shows up as chronic self doubt. Am I right? Am I wrong? What should I do next?
Attachment and Dependency: Autistic individuals often form deep, intense bonds and struggle with change, making it harder to leave even when a relationship is harmful. Abusers can leverage any vulnerability you show, wanting to serve as ‘the only one who understands you’ or your ‘translator’ for the outside world.
For those who are newly diagnosed or suspect you are autistic, reflecting on past relationships can be both validating and confusing. You may realize that what you once blamed yourself for—being "too sensitive," "too intense," or "too naive"—was actually a result of your neurodivergence or a trauma response. This realization can be painful, but it can also be the first step toward healing and self-compassion.
Breaking the Cycle: Healing and Finding Yourself Again after Abuse
In the aftermath of an unhealthy relationship, we find ourselves with two tasks - first, is safety, we want to find ways to to protect ourselves from it happening again, and synthesizing lessons learnt. Secondly, is the existential task of making meaning of our experience, ‘how did it change me? what made me vulnerable? who was I then and who am I now?
Some ways to start this journey include:
Exploring Your Identity Without Judgment: It’s okay if you don’t know where autism ends and trauma begins. Therapy, self-reflection, and community support can help you explore your authentic self.
Learning to Recognize and Trust Your Instincts: Rebuilding self-trust after trauma is hard, but small steps—like honoring your feelings and practicing saying no—can make a difference.
Finding Support That Understands Neurodivergency and Trauma: Not all therapy approaches work for autistic individuals. Seeking neurodivergent-affirming, trauma-informed support can help you process your experiences without forcing you to conform to neurotypical expectations.
Seeking Support?
If you're looking for a therapist who understands the unique challenges of neurodivergent survivors of relational trauma, consider reaching out for support. You can contact me and we can discuss what it would look like to work together here, or schedule a free consultation at the link below.
Unraveling the Past: Neurodivergency and the Complexity of Abuse in Relationships
A late diagnosis of autism or ADHD can feel like a revelation—finally, an explanation for why life has felt different, why certain struggles have persisted, and why relationships have often been confusing or painful. But alongside these answers, new questions emerge. This is particular true for those who have suffered abuse. Looking back, we begin to wonder: Is that neurodivergency, or is that a trauma response? Did my past experiences shape me, or was I always this way? How did neurodivergency play a role in my relationships? How much of myself have I hidden just to survive?
As a survivor learning more about neurodivergency, and complex trauma, more questions are raised. Untangling the impact of past relationships, self-perception, and identity can be incredibly complex.
Why Neurodivergent Women* Are More Vulnerable to Relational Trauma
Many neurodivergent women experience a pattern of difficult, confusing, or even abusive relationships. The reasons for this are layered but often include:
Masking as Survival – Many autistic and ADHD women learn early on that their natural ways of being—whether that’s intense emotions, sensory sensitivities, or social misunderstandings—are not always welcomed or accepted. They develop the ability to mask, to blend in, to become what others expect. This survival strategy can extend to relationships, leading women to mold themselves to fit a partner’s needs, suppress their own discomfort, and ignore red flags.
Difficulty Recognizing Red Flags – Many neurodivergent women take people at their word, may struggle with social nuance, or miss the slow, insidious nature of manipulation and control. Everyone is susceptible to an abuser, but gaslighting can be particularly effective against those who have already spent their lives questioning their own reactions and emotions.
Emotional Dysregulation and Trauma Responses – Emotional intensity, rejection sensitivity, and difficulty self-regulating can create a cycle where small conflicts escalate into deep wounds, making it harder to feel safe in relationships. Feeling unsafe can sometimes be ‘normal’, and for those with a trauma history, hypervigilance can make it difficult to distinguish between a real threat and past wounds resurfacing.
Attachment Wounds and Fear of Abandonment – Many neurodivergent women have experienced rejection or bullying in childhood. Trauma and shame often runs deep. As adults, they may tolerate unhealthy dynamics out of a deep fear of being alone, believing they must accept what they can get rather than risk isolation. Living a life believing that your experiences are ‘your fault’ creates an opening for an abuser to take advantage.
Looking Back: Was It Abuse, Neurodivergency, or both?
A diagnosis is often a relief. It provides context and clarity and can often explain so much. But a late diagnosis will often prompt a retrospective (and often painful) review of life events. We begin to examine past experiences and relationships with fresh eyes, asking:
Was I struggling in that relationship because of my neurodivergency, or was it toxic?
Was I misunderstood, or was I truly at fault?
How much of my trauma was caused by being neurodivergent in a world that didn’t understand me?
Have I been in survival mode for so long that I don’t even know who I really am?
Oftentimes there is not a simple answer. And processing them takes time. When we see ourselves clearly—beyond just the trauma, beyond just the diagnosis—we can begin to understand our patterns and break cycles that no longer serve us.
Healing and Reclaiming Identity
If you find yourself untangling these questions, know that it’s okay to not have all the answers yet. Healing is not about immediately resolving every conflict within yourself but rather about allowing space to explore, grieve, and rediscover who you are beneath the layers of trauma and masking.
Here are some ways to begin this journey:
Give Yourself Permission to Unmask – Learning to recognize your own needs, limits, and sensory preferences is a powerful first step in reclaiming your identity. It allows you to begin to trust yourself, and your instincts, and surround yourself by people you trust.
Explore Your Relationship Patterns – Understanding past dynamics can help you recognize what is healthy and what is not in current and future relationships.
Develop Self-Compassion – It’s easy to look back with regret or self-blame, but remembering that you were doing your best with the knowledge and tools you had at the time is essential for healing.
Seek Support in a Safe Space – Therapy or counseling with a neurodivergent-affirming and trauma-informed approach can provide guidance in this exploration.
What next?
If you’ve recently been diagnosed or suspect you may be neurodivergent, understanding the power of this self-discovery process is important. It is not just about who you are, but how that has impacted your experiences. The intersection of neurodivergency and relational trauma is complex, but in exploring this complexity lies the possibility for healing, growth, and a deeper sense of self-understanding.
If this is something that you would like to explore further, you can schedule a free 15 minute consultation to discuss here.
You can read more about the work I do with identity exploration here and in the space between neurodiversity and domestic violence and other relational trauma here.
I also plan to write more about the overlaps between ADHD, autism, and CPTSD and how to tease them apart, particularly relating to intimate relationships and abuse. Stay tuned!
*A Note on Language:
I use the term "neurodivergent women" in this post because this is where much of my professional experience lies. So many of the experiences I talk about are shaped by the way society treats and conditions women and girls. That said, I know that neurodivergence and gender don’t fit into neat boxes, so even if you don’t connect with the term “woman,” I hope you still find something helpful here.
I also choose to use identity-first language (like “neurodivergent person” instead of “person with neurodivergence”) since many people consider a diagnosis of any form of neurodivergence isn’t just something you have—it’s part of who you are. While some people prefer person-first language, I use the wording that feels most affirming to the community I work with.