The Problem with The Let Them Theory – And When Letting Go Is Actually Helpful
Introduction: The Power and the Problem with “Let Them”
Mel Robbins’ The Let Them Theory has resonated with millions, offering a simple but profound idea: instead of trying to control others, just let them do what they’re going to do. The concept aligns with powerful psychological principles like radical acceptance, the serenity prayer, and the idea of an internal locus of control.
But there’s a problem.
The phrase “Let them” was originally written by poet Cassie Phillips, whose work has not been credited in Robbins’ promotion of the theory. While Robbins has undoubtedly brought the idea to a larger audience, failing to acknowledge its original creator raises ethical concerns about intellectual property and fair recognition.
Beyond this issue, there’s also an important conversation to be had about when “letting them” is helpful—and when it’s potentially harmful. While letting go is a powerful practice in many situations, it’s not a universal solution, especially in cases of abuse, neglect, or when boundaries need to be enforced.
The Psychology Behind Letting Go: Why It Resonates
At its best, The Let Them Theory echoes core psychological and spiritual principles that help people find peace in an uncontrollable world.
The Serenity Prayer
The famous Serenity Prayer, written (probably) in the 1930s and popularized in popular culture by AA, states:
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."
This idea is central to The Let Them Theory. Acceptance. We often waste energy trying to control others—whether it’s partners, family members, or colleagues—only to end up frustrated when they don’t behave as we want. Letting go of what we can’t control can free us from stress, anxiety, and unnecessary conflict.
Radical Acceptance
Radical acceptance, a concept from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), similarly encourages us in fully acknowledging reality as it is—without fighting it, denying it, or wishing it were different. This doesn’t mean approving of or liking a situation. Instead, it’s about recognizing that resisting reality often causes more suffering than the reality itself.
Imagine you’re in a painful situation—someone you care about has ended a relationship with you, a family member is emotionally distant, or a friend keeps disappointing you. The natural reaction might be to think:
“This isn’t fair.”
“I wish things were different.”
“They shouldn’t act this way.”
These thoughts keep you stuck in frustration, sadness, or resentment. Radical acceptance, on the other hand, shifts your focus to what is happening rather than what “should” be happening. It’s about saying:
“This situation hurts, but I can’t control how this person behaves.”
“I don’t like this, but I accept that this is my current reality.”
“Now that I’ve accepted it, I can focus on how to take care of myself.”
By accepting the reality of a situation—without judgment or resistance—you stop wasting energy on things you can’t change and start focusing on what you can change (like your response, your next steps, or your boundaries).
Locus of Control: Focusing on What You Can Change
Therapists often talk about locus of control, the idea that people fall somewhere on a spectrum between believing:
External control (“Everything happens to me.”)
Internal control (“I create my own outcomes.”)
Shifting toward an internal locus of control means understanding that you can’t always control others—but you can control how you respond. Instead of chasing validation, forcing relationships, or stressing over someone else’s actions, you shift your focus to what you can do.
When applied correctly, The Let Them Theory aligns with these healthy psychological shifts. But there are times when “letting them” is absolutely the wrong approach.
When “Letting Them” Becomes Dangerous
While letting go is freeing, it’s not a blanket solution for every situation. Some people may misinterpret The Let Them Theory in ways that enable harm or silence their own needs.
1. Abuse, Neglect, and Safety Concerns
You cannot “let them” continue abusing you and expect to heal. If someone is causing harm—whether it’s physical, emotional, or financial—taking action is necessary. Letting go is not an alternative to protecting yourself.
Instead of letting them, consider:
Recognizing red flags and setting boundaries
Seeking support from trusted people or professionals
Understanding that abusers often thrive on passivity—speaking up is an act of self-protection
2. People-Pleasing and Boundary Issues
For people-pleasers, The Let Them Theory can sound like another excuse to stay silent rather than advocate for themselves. If someone mistreats you, saying “Let them” might feel like avoiding confrontation—but in reality, it could mean neglecting your own needs.
Instead of passively letting go, ask yourself:
✅ Have I communicated my boundaries?
✅ Am I avoiding discomfort at the expense of my self-respect?
✅ Is “letting them” a way of shrinking myself instead of standing up for what I deserve?
3. Avoiding Accountability and Communication
Relationships—whether romantic, platonic, or professional—require effort. If we dismiss every conflict with “Let them”, we risk:
Failing to hold people accountable for hurtful behavior
Not giving relationships a chance to grow through communication
Missing opportunities to deepen understanding and connection
Letting go is not the same as shutting down. There’s a difference between releasing toxic people and avoiding difficult but necessary conversations.
The Ethics of Credit: Recognizing Cassie Phillips
One of the most important discussions surrounding The Let Them Theory is its origins. The phrase "Let them." comes from a poem by Cassie Phillips, a writer and poet who originally published the piece online. Despite its viral success, her work has not been credited in Mel Robbins’ promotion of the concept.
This raises a larger issue about how women—particularly independent artists—often see their work repackaged by larger brands without acknowledgment. Giving credit isn’t just ethical—it’s necessary.
Cassie Phillips deserves recognition for her work. The poem is beautiful. Below is the original poem in its entirety.
Cassie Phillips’ Original Poem: “Let Them”
"Just let them."
"If they want to choose something or someone else, let them."
"If they want to walk out of your life, let them."
"If they don’t see your worth, let them."
"If they don’t want to treat you with love and respect, let them."
"If they aren’t ready to show up for you, let them."
"If they want to shut you out, let them."
"You cannot control them. But you can control you. Let go, and let yourself move forward."
📸 Follow Cassie on Instagram: @cassiephillipswrites
Final Thoughts: Knowing When to Let Go—And When to Act
The Let Them Theory has real value in helping us release control and focus on what we can change. But it’s not a one-size-fits-all solution. True empowerment comes from knowing when to let go—and when to take action.
If you struggle with boundaries, toxic relationships, or healing from past emotional wounds, therapy can help. I’m offering a free 15-minute consultation to explore how we can work together on:
✅ Building self-worth and confidence
✅ Learning when to set boundaries vs. let go
✅ Healing from past trauma and emotional neglect
Click here to schedule your free consultation today.
Let’s celebrate the power of words—and make sure credit is given where it’s due.
10 Years of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: Why This Book Is Still Essential Reading
It’s been (almost!) 10 years since Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson’s Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents was published, and its relevance remains as strong as ever. For those who have experienced dysfunctional family dynamics, found themselves stuck in unhealthy relationships, or struggled to co-parent with someone who lacks emotional maturity, this book continues to provide clarity, hope, and tools for healing.
But the book’s insights go far beyond parent-child relationships. Dr. Gibson also explores how emotional neglect and immature behavior ripple out into every aspect of life. Whether you’re healing from toxic family dynamics, working through the effects of emotional neglect, or breaking free from unhealthy patterns in your own relationships, the lessons in this book are as powerful today as they were a decade ago.
What Does “Emotionally Immature” Really Mean?
One of the foundational ideas in Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents is the concept of emotional immaturity. Dr. Gibson describes emotionally immature parents - “they have an oversimplified approach to life, narrowing situations down to fit their rigid coping skills. Having such a limited sense of self makes them egocentric and undermines their ability to be sensitive to other people’s needs and feelings.” These parents often lack empathy, emotional awareness, and the ability to provide consistent emotional support.
It’s important to note that emotional immaturity isn’t necessarily synonymous with narcissism or a personality disorder, though some emotionally immature parents may exhibit these traits. What matters most is the impact on the child.
For children of emotionally immature parents, the experience often involves feeling unseen, unworthy, or even burdened by the responsibility of managing their parent’s emotional state. Unfortunately, these dynamics don’t disappear once childhood ends. Instead, they tend to follow us into adulthood, influencing the way we see ourselves, relate to others, and even parent our own children.
How Emotional Neglect Shapes Future Relationships
One of the most powerful insights from Dr. Gibson’s book is the connection between childhood emotional neglect and difficulties in adult relationships. If you grew up with emotionally immature parents, you may unknowingly carry unresolved wounds into your adult life. Dr. Gibson explains this phenomenon succinctly: “People who lacked emotional engagement in childhood, men and women alike, often can’t believe that someone would want to have a relationship with them just because of who they are. They believe that if they want closeness, they must play a role that always puts the other person first.”
Many clients I have worked with have asked why childhood abuse may have left them vulnerable to toxic and abusive relationships later in life. Why does history repeat itself? Why do we tolerate abuse?
Familiarity: If chaos, manipulation, or neglect were constants in your childhood, you might unconsciously seek out similar dynamics in adulthood because they feel familiar—even if they’re harmful.
Low self-worth: Without emotional validation growing up, you may struggle to believe you deserve healthy, respectful relationships. This can leave you vulnerable to toxic or one-sided partnerships.
People-pleasing tendencies: Many children of emotionally immature parents learn to earn love through over-functioning or meeting others’ needs at the expense of their own. Unfortunately, this can make them easy targets for manipulative partners.
The good news is that recognizing these patterns can be a critical first step to breaking free from them.
Tools for Building Healthier Relationships
While Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents primarily addresses family dynamics, the tools Dr. Gibson provides are deeply applicable to all types of relationships, including romantic partnerships. Here are a few important strategies from the book:
Establishing Emotional Boundaries
Dr. Gibson emphasizes the importance of emotional boundaries, explaining that “action on your own behalf is the antidote to traumatic feelings of helplessness.” The freedom boundaries create helps you to protect your emotional energy and avoid being drawn into manipulative or toxic dynamics.Practicing Self-Validation
Instead of seeking constant approval from others, Dr. Gibson encourages readers to validate their own feelings and experiences. Learning to ‘wake up’ and truly experience your feelings, your values and your relationships can all make you less vulnerable to emotionally unhealthy partners.Reclaiming Your True Self
Emotionally immature relationships often erode a person’s sense of self, making us feel as if our true selves aren’t acceptable, which often leads to feelings of shame or self-doubt. By rediscovering who you are and embracing your true identity, you can build healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
Co-Parenting with an Abuser: Breaking the Cycle for Your Children
Co-parenting with an emotionally immature or abusive partner is undeniably challenging, but Dr. Gibson provides a framework for protecting your children from emotional harm while maintaining your own mental well-being.
Some key strategies include:
Modeling emotional maturity: Even if the other parent doesn’t provide validation, you can show your child that their feelings are valid and respected. This not only supports their emotional development but also sets a powerful example of healthy behavior.
Setting boundaries: Protect your child (and yourself) from toxic behaviors by establishing and maintaining firm boundaries and communicating effectively.
Encouraging emotional expression: Help your child name and process their emotions, equipping them with tools to navigate their own experiences.
These steps can help you break the cycle of emotional neglect, mitigate the harm of abuse, and create a healthier environment for your children.
Ready to Begin Your Healing Journey?
If any of what I’ve shared resonates with you, therapy might be the next step in your healing journey. As a mental health professional, I specialize in helping individuals navigate the long-term effects of emotionally immature parenting, abusive relationships, and help people re-find themselves and build healthier patterns in their relationships.
I offer a free 15-minute consultation to discuss your goals and explore how we can work together to achieve them.