Why Would I Need a Trauma Therapist? (I don’t have PTSD!)
When people hear the word “trauma,” they usually imagine something big—an accident, abuse, a natural disaster, or some kind of dramatic, life-altering event. I understand that the word ‘trauma’ is too big for some people to relate to, it feels like it should be reserved for people who have suffered ‘real pain’. But what is real pain?
The pain of being bullied? The pain of feeling like you could never live up to your parents’ expectations? The pain of being hurt by those you love? The pain of not knowing how to exist as yourself in the world? From never feeling like your emotions were safe or welcome? From being overlooked, manipulated, or made to feel small in your closest relationships? From always putting other peoples’ needs first?
Many people have bottled up their troubles, pushed past their discomfort, and tried to build themselves a life worth living. And maybe they succeed. For a while. But that doesn’t mean the experience hasn’t deeply affected them - how they think of themselves, how they communicate, how they show up as a partner, as a parent, as a friend or colleague.
And here’s the thing: trauma doesn’t always look like a crisis. It can be the very tools you’ve used to push past your experiences.
What is Relational Trauma (Even If You Don’t Call It That)
Trauma isn’t just about what happened to you—it’s also about how your body and nervous system responded to what happened. You don’t need a diagnosis of PTSD to be carrying trauma. It doesn’t have to be flashbacks and nightmares. Trauma is anything that has overwhelmed your nervous system and very often comes from relationships. Those relationships we have that determine how safe, supported, heard or loved we felt. It can come from :
Being parented by someone emotionally unavaiable, critical, or unpredictable
Having to earn love and affection, having it being conditional on your behavior, performance, achievements, or looks
Being bullied, excluded or belittled in adolescence
Feeling trapped or invisible in intimate relationships
Relational trauma is these wounds that occur in childhood, in your family system, in friendships, or in intimate partnerships. They might not feel traumatic in the moment, but their impact runs deep. And they don’t go away just because you’ve “moved on.”
Hidden Signs of Trauma
Trauma doesn’t just live in our memory, it lives in our patterns. Relational trauma in particular can show up in ways that aren’t dramatic. But it can quietly shape the way you move through the world, how you see yourself, others, assess danger or comfort in relationships, and communicate. Common signs are
Chronic self-doubt or low self-worth, feeling like you are never good enough
Difficulty trusting others or feeling close
Feeling emotionally numb or disconnected, shutting down when faced with conflict or disagreement
A relentless inner critic, perfectionism and setting unacheivably high standards for yourself
People-pleasing or difficulty saying no, ignoring your needs to meet the needs of those around you
Anxiety that seems to come out of nowhere
Repeating patterns in relationships, even when you know better, somehow always dating the same type of person, or always finding yourself in the same situation
But these trauma patterns run deeper, and trauma therapy might help you get to the root of them—not just cope with the symptoms.
Why Talk Therapy Isn’t Always Enough
Many clients come to me after doing years of talk therapy. They’ve had great therapists. Perhaps they have struggled with depression or anxiety. They’ve learned all the right tools. Perhaps they are on medication. But they still feel stuck.
That’s because trauma doesn’t just live in your thoughts. It lives in your body. When the nervous system is still on high alert or frozen in self-protection mode, no amount of talking can fully shift how you feel. Trauma therapy goes beyond this. Some types of therapy, like EMDR and somatic work, help you reprocess old memories and regulate your nervous system, so you’re not just thinking differently—you’re feeling differently.
If talking hasn’t been enough, perhaps it’s time to try something new.
Let’s Explore the Patterns
You don’t have to meet some definition of ‘traumatized’ to benefit from trauma therapy. You just have to be ready to explore, to question, and to heal on a deeper level. If you’re wondering whether trauma might be part of your story—even if you’ve never called it that—I invite you to reach out.